15 Unintimidating Mascots Least Likely to Steal Your Girlfriend

Steve McDevittContributor IIIJanuary 14, 2012

15 Unintimidating Mascots Least Likely to Steal Your Girlfriend

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    The college season has come to a close with Alabama mopping up LSU to win the BCS National Championship. The game was more lopsided than a see-saw with Justin Bieber on one end and Clay Matthews on the other.

    LSU was not the formidable foe as predicted on the field, but what about off the field?

    Represented by a ferocious tiger, it seems pretty safe to say that this beast would come out victorious over the gentle and gregarious pachyderm that represents Alabama. would it not?

    According to Answers.com, it has been noted that elephants often pick up tigers with their trunks then throw them down on the ground, sometimes killing them. It is rare a tiger will attack an elephant.

    I stand corrected. Case closed right? Not quite. Alabama’s mascot couldn’t even pick up a tiger hairball with its floppy, dilapidated trunk.

    So why do schools opt for a goofy, non-menacing representation of their school? Is it lack of savage creativity, or just simply a mascot seamstress that is too nice for her own good?

    A mascot should scream school pride, pump up the crowd and strike electrifying fear in the opponent. How is an elephant supposed to get the crowd rocking with a trunk that looks like a flaccid male body part? 

    We've also all been there before—you go up to get the sweetie a popcorn, only to come back to some muscle-bound, brazen Aztec, Lion, Bulldog or Warrior mascot getting acquainted with her.

    Consider your relationship safe with the mascots found on this list.

    Some of them you may have seen before. Some you may have regrettably seen when you accidentally opened a door that should have been locked at your Uncle’s house when you were eight.  

    Consider the disclaimer applied.

Oski : University of California Golden Bears

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    If Mister Rogers and Yogi Bear were able to conceive a baby, Oski is the offspring that would result.

    I’m fairly certain Oski’s life started out just like any other mascot, rummaging through various picnic baskets while hanging out on sets of children’s shows before ultimately taking the gig on Berkeley’s sideline.

    Intimidation Rating: 6 if you’re scared of grandfathers, or bears or grandfathers that look like bears wearing cardigans; 3 if not.

Fighting Okra: Delta State Fighting Okra

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    Unless your Mom is also on the sidelines nagging you to finish your vegetables there is nothing fear-inducing about an okra, especially one that looks like he is about 10 seconds away from urinating in his okra suit.

    Somebody give that okra a bathroom break. 

    There is nothing wrong with a college promoting good eating habits, but doing that when trying to amp up the defense on a key 3rd-and-1, I have a problem with it.

    Intimidation Rating: 4

Brutus: Ohio State University Buckeyes

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    In Roman times, Brutus was a politician believed to have taken a primary role in the brutal assassination of Julius Caesar.

    In modern times, Brutus is a nut.

    There is nothing intimidating about a nut.  

    Intimidation Rating: 9 if you are a point guard allergic to nuts, 2 if not.

Wushock: Wichita State University Shockers

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    I’ve never done peyote, but I’d imagine this is about what I’d see if I did.

    Wushock, a hell-raising, bulked-up bundle of wheat, scores high on this list, but only because of the post-traumatic-stress nightmares induced after the whistle blows.     

    Intimidation Rating: 6

Ephelia the Purple Cow: Williams College Ephs

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    This friendly bovine won’t put the kibosh on a fast break or scare a streaking receiver, but you have to admire her aspirations. 

    Pictured here reading her favorite book, The Cow, The Witch and The Wardrobe, Ephelia had always longed for the spotlight. In 2007 she appeared in a College GameDay commercial for ESPN, and the Purple Cow was introduced to the world.

    Unfortunately word on the farm is the spotlight was too much for the small-town heifer. Ephelia was last seen at a run-down trough addicted to cow hormones.

    Intimidation Rating: 4  

Sammy Slug: University of California-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs

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    Nothing screams intimidation like a slimy, shell-less, lethargic mollusk.

    Indigenous to Northern California, the banana slug is a hit with students, but has yet to intimidate any opponents other than the occasional individual with a strong disdain for slime.

    Amazingly, Sammy beat out the Sea Lion in a 15-1 vote to become the new face of athletics in the friendly beach town.

    Intimidation Rating: 2 

Gaylord: Campbell Fighting Camels

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    Other than the embarrassment this kid will feel when one of his classmates discovers this picture and posts it on Facebook 12 years from now, I don’t see any intimidation here

    In the meantime, someone find that kid’s Mom—quickly.  

    Did I mention this mascot's name is Gaylord?

    Intimidation Rating: 3  

Boll Weevil: University of Arkansas-Monticello Boll Weevils

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    Throughout history, iconic figures with long noses have been known to be habitual liars, made of wood and have acquaintances named Geppetto.

    None of these flaws seems to be affecting this cotton-feeding beetle’s game with the co-eds, but it won’t help win any intimidation showdowns.

    Intimidation Rating: 9 if you are a cotton farmer, 2 otherwise.

    * warning - you may still want to keep your lady at a safe distance.

Artie: Scottsdale Community College Artichokes

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    Other than the fact that Artie looks like he is about to vomit, he appears to be a friendly, kind and happy-go-lucky mascot.

    This might get you a few more invites to parties serving artichoke dip, or Facebook ads, but it won't score you high on this list.

    How Artie is able to walk in that thing, let alone pump up a crowd, I can't begin to hypothesize.

    I can only assume that if Scottsdale Community College played the Delta State Fighting Okras, every vegan and vegetarian from coast to coast would be in attendance.

    Intimidation Rating: Can I give negatives? If not, 1.

STANFORD TREE: Stanford University Cardinal

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    You would expect slightly more brilliance from this top University in Palo Alto, yet the tree is a fan favorite.

    Anyone searching for answers behind the rationale of this sloppy-looking evergreen creation doesn’t have to look far. The school nickname is named after a color. 

    Intimidation Rating: 7 if you have a chronic fear of sap, 2 if not.

The Blue Blob: Xavier University Musketeers

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    If you think that characters that look related to those Yip Yip martians from Sesame Street are menacing, then the Blue Blob is the mascot for you. The rest of us are left with jaws agape, wondering what went wrong here.

    Whatever the case, the Blue Blob is the closest we have to a mascot snuggie on the list, unless of course you think an artichoke is comforting to snuggle with.

    Xavier does have a second mascot, so they get a pass here, but there is nothing daunting about a Blue Blob unless it is fungus on your window sill.

    Intimidation Rating: 2

Zippy: University of Akron Zips

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    One can only assume that per Zippy’s inception in 1953, he was chosen by a prudish academic board.

    Had they opted for a mascot more representative of the team's original name, the Zippers, the pregame football tailgates would have been a lot more promiscuous. 

    Nothing is threatening about a kangaroo unless they kick you in the privates.

    Intimidation Rating: 3 

Speedy: Evergreen State University Geoducks

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    There is absolutely nothing fast about Speedy, the second mollusk to grace this list.

    Evergreen State has adopted this giant clam with an elongated siphon as their fun-loving mascot. With the phallic selection also came a fight song with more hidden references to the male genitalia than a Tommy Lee porn video.

    “Let it all hang out,” and other sexual overtones I will omit in case women and children reading this make up the lyrics.

    If any of you are dieting and trying to limit your caloric intake,  just Google “Geoducks” right before every meal. Guaranteed you’ll lose your appetite and 20 pounds.

    Take that Jenny Craig.

    I can only imagine the inappropriate pick-up lines from Speedy, so make sure your lady is well prepped and wearing her chastity belt just in case.

    Intimidation Rating: 3

Big Red: Western Kentucky University Hilltoppers

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    Big Red has been a fixture at Western Kentucky since his creation in 1979, and is a hit with the Hilltopper fans.

    However, should he fall out of favor, a modeling career certainly seems like a viable backup plan. This David Hasselhoff-like sultry pose is not likely to scare opposing teams, but it is clear he is a natural behind the camera. 

    On second thought, I suppose seeing a red blob spread eagle would likely cause me to drop a wide-open touchdown pass.

    Intimidation Rating: 5

    Wait a second—is that the Blue Blob in a red outfit?

Scrotie: Rhode Island School of Design

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    If you’re first reaction to this slide, is to think about where it falls on the intimidation scale, you may have some other issues going on. Consult a therapist immediately.

    RISD took things one step further than Evergreen State and instead of adopting a mascot that looks like the male genitalia, they actually adopted a mascot that IS the male genitalia.

    Scrotie represents RISD’s hockey team, “The Nads,” and the basketball team formally known as “The Balls.” Since you’re probably clicking through this in hopes of seeing a hot college cheerleader and not a grown man dressed as a penis, we’ll move on.

    On a side note, if your lady is not immediately repulsed by Scrotie's advances, then you may have the sexual deviant you've always dreamed of on your hands. Just keep Scrotie at safe distance.

    Intimidation Rating: Depends on if Scrotie was in the pool or not.


    Just Missed the Cut...

    Oregon Ducks

    Rhode Island College Anchormen

    Concordia Coollege Cobbers

    Miami Hurricanes

    North Carolina School of Art Fighting Pickles