Communism is an egalitarian system of social organization, in which all economic and social activity is controlled by a totalitarian state, dominated by a single and self-perpetuating political party.
34 bowl games. That means 34 “winners.”
How nice, 34 teams can call themselves winners. How egalitarian. I remember the last time I was involved with so many “winning teams.” It was in tee-ball. We didn’t even keep score.
The BCS selects (read controls) the 68 teams who participate in this social activity called bowl season, and thus get the economic reward. A ton of money is spread around 68 schools (nearly half of the D-I football schools, pretty egalitarian). And yes, even the losers get paid (very egalitarian). It is likely that more money is spread around these schools in a single season than was distributed in the entire history of Soviet Russia.
In every other sport on the planet, there can be only one winner. Hell, even soccer, which has more ties than all the world’s fathers, has a tournament every four years with JUST ONE WINNER. Maybe you heard of it: the World Cup. Sure they start with some ridiculous round robin, where teams can lose and still advance. But at some point, they switch to single elimination until there is just one silly “football” team left.
On paper, the BCS sounds good. Let’s have a lot of meaningful games. Lot’s of little championships are better than one, right? WRONG. Homer Simpson was smart enough to see, “…Communism worked in theory, in theory.”
At the end of the BCS schedule, we are left with many teams who claim to be No. 1. How many players hold up a single digit while mugging the camera and mouthing “We’re number one”? They can’t all be No. 1, can they? I was not that good in math. Let’s count it out: “one, one, one, one, one, two.” Hold on, that sounds wrong. Can we get someone from MIT to check that math please?
Not to worry. The BCS will tell us which team is No. 1 after the last BCS bowl game. This is Communism, pure and simple. It is truth if they tell you it is truth. They have some formula with computers and voters and…
Hold everything! I could be wrong. What is more democratic than a vote? The BCS does have a nifty little vote that will tell us who is No. 1. The BCS is a Democracy, not Communism after all!
But, this little vote is held by a select few, the coaches. One might even call these coaches the party leaders. This vote is starting to reek of Communism again (see: dominated by a single and self-perpetuating political party.)
What about the masses—all of the players? Why shouldn’t their vote count? How do they vote? I like to think that their vote is the performance they leave on the field. What better way to exercise their vote than with a playoff? The team with the most good votes, sometimes called plays or drives, wins!
But in a playoff, not everyone can win. Hell, even the best team will lose sometimes. Guess what? SOMETIMES YOU LOSE. SOMETIMES THE BEST TEAM LOSES! Just ask the Patriots.
In the film A Fish Called Wanda, John Cleese’s character summed it up best: “Winners like North Vietnam? I'm tellin' ya baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide real good.” While getting our “little ass” kicked there still stings, he has a point. They won. We lost. Period. End of story.
Even Communist countries have a playoff. Vietnam beat the tar out of the French before we had the “good sense” to step in “carry the ball.” The Soviets participated in a hockey playoff. While we were over here fighting for Lord Stanley’s Cup, they were beating the rest of the Nordic and Eastern Europeans in a little playoff known as the World Championships of Hockey (which had just one winner, usually the Red Army).
Yes, your team might lose the big game. They might not be able to call themselves a bowl winner. But, if they were to win a true championship game (one preceded by a playoff) those losses would make that win much, much sweeter. Without the pain of losing, the string of wins needed to take a playoff would be, well, just another bowl season.
And with a playoff, we get drama! Drama like underdogs, who come from nowhere to beat the big boys. Some say, “Fluke.” I say, “Destiny!” I say, “History!”
Back in ’76, there was a little underdog who was facing the greatest force on Earth. That force was the British, and the little underdog, a ragtag group of rebels who called themselves the United States of America. Without an upset win, we’d all still be speaking English. Well, English with a silly little accent anyway.
Whether or not there is a playoff, college football will still have the most meaningful regular season of any league. That is simply because there are ONLY 12 GAMES! If they only played 12 NBA, MLB, or NHL games, the regular season would be pretty damn important too. Win as many of the 12 as you can to make the playoffs. Each and every one of those 12 would still be as critical to win. Each and every one would still be interesting as hell to watch (unless, of course, you are a Notre Dame fan these days).
The BCS was kind enough to award the right to broadcast these egalitarian games to ESPN for five years. Thanks to the purest of American ideals, the contract, we are stuck with Communism for the next five years. The BCS was smart enough to put their ideology in written, binding form. What a clever, self-perpetuating, political party.
We can only pray that like the Berlin wall, this Communist juggernaut will fall one day. Until then, be American. Use your Capital One card to buy some Tostitos chips and Emerald nuts to munch while you watch the games. You might even want to call your pals on your AT&T wireless Nokia phone and ask them if they think we will be free from the Bowl Communism Series before the Cubans will be free from the Castros.
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!