I can talk circles around even the most astute baseball fan. I can come up with facts and stats over intricate situations in baseball games 50 years ago. I can pick out winning race horses at the track, just by watching them run by.
I have investors at the track who are willing to trust my judgment and invest large sums of money in the horses I choose. I'm rarely wrong.
And then there's the sport of football.
Football has become my "wrench in the gears," of my otherwise seemingly stellar sports aptitude. I'm an idiot when it comes to this game. Albeit, I only began following the sport out of sheer desperation, fraught with exceeding boredom encountered during the baseball offseason two years ago. I remain at a "below basic achievement level," when compared with my peers.
Dumb-as-a-six-pack-of-beer-without-the-little-plastic-thingy-holding-all-the-cans-together would be a good phrase describing me in conjunction with football.
I'm okay with that. I'm okay with not knowing the players names, per se. I'm okay with recently realizing that there are actually two separate groups of guys from the same team who play in two separate categories.
Hell, I figured in baseball we have nine guys out in the grass for the whole game...it made sense that those same 11 guys out on the football field must be getting tired by the fourth quarter.
Slowly and surely, the pieces are coming together. You have the one guy who hikes it to the other guy who can't go past a certain blue line before he throws it to one of the other guys from his team. I get all that.
What I don't get is how the hell that blue line moves around. It does, watch it next time. It follows these guys. At first I was thinking maybe some kind of LCD light thing going on under the grass. I mean, hey, they have heaters under some of those fields, why not LCD lighting?
But, alas, that implausible mystery was resolved last weekend when one of my smug friends pointed and laughed at me when I mentioned it...Not that I was all too concerned with understanding things his way.
The televising of anything at 10:00 AM, in my opinion, is criminal. I like to think of 10:00 AM as somewhere right in the middle of me-dead-to-the-world-and-not-wanting-anything-to-do-with-being-awake-so-shut-the-hell-up-and-turn-off-the-light. So, right off the bat, we have an issue with the harshing-of-my-high with this particular game. But I will wake up and watch it.
The Giants versus Eagles game is the only game I have any true emotional investment. As I make it a point to rarely invest my emotions into anything. When emotions are invested into things, things can go sideways real quick.
Things get ugly. Things get hurt. Handcuffs and Crime Scene Investigators arrive. They start drawing chalk lines around things, and things just become unattractive and messy.
I will watch. I will watch with emotions invested. Things will happen.
I anticipate I will be fervently pleading with all the football gods on behalf of the New York Giants. I theorize the baseball gods are good chums with the football gods. I also theorize since the baseball gods have been rather unkind to my baseball team in recent years, I theorize those football gods now owe me. I theorize they owe me big.
(I have all this detailed in an Excel spreadsheet with charts and graphs I can send you for a nominal fee.)
I am willing to appease the football gods by being awake before 10:00 AM on a Saturday, only to observe a game of which I am beyond autistically challenged to comprehend or assimilate.
Thus, with my celestial expectation from the aforementioned football gods, I have also opted to perform my yearly research as to "whom," shall become the Victor this Sunday.
My findings are of some importance, as I performed my first yearly research last year and was correct. Thus, I speculate my research infallible, and I will gladly share these findings with you.
The New York Giants will win.
"What," you may ask, "are you basing this conclusion on, Miss Dumb-As-A-Wall?"
"My dear fellow sports fan," I retort, "the infamous Kat Gill Biorhythm results."
The above is the actual biorhythm of Eli Manning's Physical, Emotional, and Intellectual strengths/weaknesses for the target date of Jan. 11, 2009.
Emotional: Eli will be at a -20 percent level with emotion. This may be observed as a good sign when coupled with Physical: rising up from Jan. 4 (at negative 100 percent) to exactly 0 percent for Jan. 11. Thus, inasmuch as Eli will not be huge on physicality, he will be on a surge as opposed to a plummet. Likewise, we note Eli's Intellectual surging to nearly 80 percent for Jan. 11.
(Also, just take a glance at Eli's projected strengths for +7 days from Jan. 11. Eli will be at 100 percent physically and intelligently, and absolute -100 percent emotionally. This is the day of the Super Bowl.)
Conversely, let us peruse the findings for Donovan McNabb:
The most obvious finding is McNabb's absolute lack of intellect. On the target date of Jan. 11, McNabb will be registering a shocking -75 percent on Intellect.
However, here is where it becomes fun: McNabb will be at exactly 100 percent Physically on the exact date of the Giants game, but just look at his surging Emotional swing.
This graph must be what PMS looks like. When you couple physical and emotional that highly, spiking and peaking, I can only imagine for McNabb the day will be one of unimaginable exasperation.
For, if McNabb can somehow, without intellect, manage his physical aptitude despite his potential for an extreme emotional outburst, he might actually be successful.
But remember, Eli will be registering nearly the same level of intellectual strength as McNabb's emotions. You tell me. Which is stronger in a game of strategic prowess? If, indeed, both teams are equally capable of achieving a victory, what strength will have the greatest impact for Eli and McNabb? We shall see...
"Invincibility lies in the defense; the possibility of victory in the Attack." ~Sun Tzu