(*Author's note: recently the NFL has discovered the New Orleans Saints were paying a bounty system to their players. They rewarded hard and potentially illegal hits and players would receive bonuses for taking out the opposing teams' players from the game. Recently, utilizing my highly secret, extraordinarily confidential sources within the Saints' organization —cough, cough, Carl Nicks' dumb ass, cough, cough—I have been able to obtain the list of payouts for the team. Listed below are just a few of the 12,000 game scenarios and their subsequent payoffs.)
- Hit the opposition's WR so hard the game's announcer forgets to mention Hurricane Katrina the requisite 48 times per quarter: $2,500
- Hit the opponent's running back so hard that even the Carcass of Zombie-Joe-Buck actually shows something resembling human emotion: $1,000
- Hit the opponent's QB so hard Brett Favre un-retires, re-retires, starts throwing passes to those damn high school kids, then holds a press conference to announce that he's staying retired. And that he still loves Wranglers: $1,800
- Hit Tom Brady so hard his chin un-clefts: $2,000
- Hit Eli Manning so hard he finally opens his eyes wider than "Stoner on 4/20" slits: $600
- Hit the opposition so hard that Drew Brees' mole pulls an Enrique Iglesias and disappears: cost of mole removal operation.
- Sort of bump into Jay Cutler's knee...he'll take care of the rest: $20
- Get a crackback during a kickoff that's so vicious Ed Hochuli literally develops an entire doctoral thesis on it and then promptly recites the entire thing: $500
- If immediately after the crackback, Houchuli is so overcome with emotion that he tears off his overly-tight referee shirt like an enraged Bruce Banner and rips through a set of 340 pound squats at the 50-yard line to reestablish his dominance over the game: $250 bonus.
- If Ryan actually stops chewing whatever food item is in his mouth: $50 Bonus
- Crush Stevie Johnson so bad that he blames God for his football problems...again: $1000
- Hit Philip Rivers so hard that he adds another "L" to his name and goes by Phillip Rivers: $1,600
- Smash Matthew Stafford's face into the turf so hard that the refs erroneously penalize Ndamukong Suh, since they've already got him on a Communist-style blacklist: $1,200
- Drill the opposing team's running back so hard that afterwards literally have no choice other than to hurl your helmet into the owners' box and shout at the crowd, "Are you not entertained?!?!?! Are you not entertained!?!?!": $1,400
- Hit the opposing team's kicker during kick coverage so hard that Roger Goodell, Harry Connick Jr., Aaron Neville, and Aaron Neville's face tattoo all break into a nationally televised rendition of "Walking to New Orleans": $2,500
- If BJ Raji joins in on at least one of the choruses, revealing to the world a bone-chilling resemblance to the deceased Fats Domino (the original singer of the song): $2,000
- Level Josh Freeman, decimating him so badly on the hit that Kanye West and Mike Myers are forced to have a joint press conference during which Kanye claims that Roger Goodell doesn't care about black people and Mike Myers looks like he just discovered he drank a six pack of Bud Light Cyanide: $4,500
- Hit Tim Tebow so hard that after the game he accidentally gives his worshipful thanks to Joboo, the Witch Queen of VooDoo's 4th Circle of Deathworship: $5,000
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