Medical staff of the St. Louis Cardinals report that All-Star first baseman Albert Pujols is suffering from a long list of elbow ailments.
Doctors said they found ligament damage, bone spurs, inflammation, arthritis, a bullet, nails, a chicken bone, and evidence of a demonic possession in Pujols' elbow.
"It is my opinion that Albert not go in for reconstructive surgery just yet, but the organization has contacted a number of spiritual healers throughout the state of Florida," said one team doctor.
Pujols said he described an incident that happened one night in 2004 in St. Louis when he heard something he described as a gunshot and then felt a sharp pain in his elbow.
"It was like no pain I've ever felt before. Who knew that there was still something in there?" Pujols said.
The bullet and nails will be removed when Pujols finally goes under the knife, but the chicken bone will stay in the joint at Pujols's request.
"I put that bone in there before my first Major League game. I'd say it's been doing me a lot of good since then," said the notoriously superstitious Pujols.