Mr. Maurice Jones-Drew! That’s right. MJD is for me.
Unless you play in a retard league, A Pete will go No. 1. Burner Turner will probably go second.
That means the (wo)man in the three-hole will likely be choosing from guys like Westbrook, Forte, Portis, S. Jax, CJ, DeAngelo, and MJD.
All of these guys had solid years last year. Except S. Jax and his pulled penis. And all of these guys were durable. Except S. Jax and his pulled penis.
So why MJD? Process of elimination, of course. Have I ever known the right answer to a question? No. I just know a lot of wrong answers.
Like when a regular girl and a prostitute are both fighting for my attention. I usually choose the regular girl. Because prostitutes are usually more expensive. It’s as easy as that.
S. Jax is wrong because he’s injury prone. And the Rams suck. And he’s a blogger. That would be like Laddy dating Laddy. Which doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.
The one thing S. Jax has going for him is that he plays in the NFC West. But that’s not enough to warrant a selection at No. 3.
Westbrook is wrong because he just doesn’t feel right. He’s almost 30. He disappeared a lot last year, and it should only get worse as he gets older. All bets are off if the Eagles make some big FA acquisitions.
CJ is wrong because he’s a second year man. He has serious skills, but I just haven’t seen quite enough to take him this high. And Fatty White eats a lot of chocolate-covered donuts. Which is code for TDs. And Kerry Collins sucks. I can’t have my best player linked to that bum.
Forte is wrong for all the same reasons as CJ. Just replace “Kerry Collins” with “Kyle Orton”. But Forte has some serious skills also. I just can’t take him at No. 3.
Portis is wrong because body can’t handle too many more poundings. And his style requires getting pounded. He can’t avoid it. There’s a good pornstar joke to be made here, but I refuse to bite the hands that feed me.
DeAngelo is the wildcard. He was a stud last year. He looked fast. Blazing fast. And Carolina looked good. Until Jake’s bionic arm fell off in the playoffs. Which is why I can’t pull the trigger on DeAngelo. Jake F’ing Delhomme. That bum. And Jonathan Stewart’s presence doesn’t help either. All bets are off if the Panthers find a QB or Stewart breaks a leg.
This makes MJD ripe for the picking. He had almost 1,400 total yards last year and 14 TDs. And it should only get better now that Fred’s gone. He’s really never been injured and has the kind of smash-mouth attitude that can lead a fantasy team to the holy land. Garrard, the coked-up WRs, and the tough AFC South worry me just a tad. But only like cold sore worried. Not blisters worried.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. And again. Get yourself some of that MJD!
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