Dear Commissioner Goodell,
After watching the Patriots play their best game of the year, I am writing to humbly request that from now on you allow the Patriots to play all of their games in London.
After all, Bill Belichick is such an outgoing and charming representative of the NFL, Sebastian Vollmer could visit his relatives in Dusseldorf so much more easily and the Gronk needs more opportunities to do his jolly good Changing of the Guard touchdown dance.
I do hope that our lads get their shot at remaining on the pitch at Wembley. After all, it would take almost no adjustment to figure out that we earn a first down every time that we advance the spheroid 9.14 meters.
And you wouldn’t even have to do much re-branding. You could just call us the (New) England Patriots.
But wait, if that’s not an option, no matter where we play, can we play all of our games against the Rams? Thoughts of the Rams and our victory in Super Bowl XXXVI so inspire the boys and clearly bring out the best in them.
Besides, Ryan Mallett needs the exercise, Stephen Gostkowski so enjoys the chance to kick off seven times a game and Tom Brady gets such pleasure when he can go a whole game and hardly get his uniform dirty.
Yes, I know, based on the Ram’s performance today you have requests from seven other teams to play them every game, but gee whiz, it would be nice to have a laugh every week.
OK, OK, Mr. Commissioner, if you can’t come through on either of these requests, I’ve got a Plan C. Can we at least play all of our games every year around Halloween?
Just like this weekend, it would allow Tom Brady to wear his Superman cape, Zoltan Mesko could come as the Invisible Man and Stevan Ridley could be the Road Runner. Rob Gronkowski could get dressed up as one of the Royal Guards, or maybe he would prefer to be Gronkenstein—actually, big man, you can come as whatever you like.
Big Vince Wilfork could be the meanest Tinker Bell you’ve ever seen, and Michael Hoomanawanui can come as bowl of alphabet soup.
Well, Mr. Commissioner, if you can’t grant us any of our three wishes, can we at least have a week off to lick our wounds?
Please, please. It might allow Logan Mankins and Steve Gregory extra time to heal. It might help Patrick Chung and Aaron Hernandez to get ready to play. A week off would be nice so that Marquice Cole could nurse his sore hamstring and Wes Welker could tend to his multiple injuries.
What’s that—we can?? Thank you Mr. Commissioner, I think you’re a great man—regardless of what Jonathan Vilma says.