My ideal day would go something like this...It's 8 AM and Joe Torre calls me up.
"Aaron," Joe asks, "would you like to manage the team tonight? I realize I've been slacking lately...and I could probably could use some pointers."
"No kidding, Joe?" I reply. "You've been a complete idiot since 2001. Only a total schmuck would continue to bring in (lefty) Mike Myers to pitch to lefties even though lefties hit .330 against him, compared to .160 for righties."
"You're the stupidest person alive," I go on, "but I love the Yankees more then I hate you. So of course I'll do it."
As I'm in the middle of making the lineups, Derek Jeter comes into my office and asks if I want to take batting practice. Standing on the hallowed grounds of Ruth and Gehrig...while hitting weak ground balls like such 80s Yankee losers as Mel Hall and Pat Kelly...gives me a real emotional charge.
It just so happens that we're playing the Giants in an interleague game. In the top of the first, I give Rocket the thumbs up...and he shatters Barry Bonds' kneecap with a 94-mph fastball.
As Barry crawls on the ground like a 'roid-head searching for his lost needle, I'm shoved out of the dugout by the players to become the first manager ever to take a curtain call.
I also get a text message from Bud Selig, who offers me choice seats in any ballpark...for life...as a small token of appreciation.
With the score tied and the bases loaded in top of the 7th, I bring in Myers to face righty Benji Molina. Myers' sweeping curve catches Molina in on his hands, resulting in a weak pop out behind home plate.
After the Yanks score six in the bottom of the inning and go on to win, it's time for a night on the town with A-Rod. We hit his "usual spots" and then make our way to Jay Z's 40/40 club...where I end up taking home Scarlett Johansson AND the girl from the RGX bodyspray commercial (Google her—you know exactly who I'm talking about).
And that's about it: my ideal day.
Which can't even begin to compare to the actual day I had on Friday.
First, I turned on ESPN and saw that Michael Vick had been indicted on federal dogfighting charges and might sit out the 2007 season. Then I looked at the front page of the New York Post...and beheld a headline that brought tears of joy to my eyes:
FIXED...NBA Ref in Mob Betting Scandal
I studied the words for awhile, then walked over to the window, opened it as wide as I could, and bellowed with the sort of conviction that only comes when one's long-standing theory is finally verified:
"I.... KNEW.... IT!!!!!!!!"
What a day for my two least favorite professional sports.
As a bonus, the Yankees are still in the playoff hunt, and hockey season is only three months away.
And I've got a smile as permanent as the Joker's.
Every so often, reality can actually be as sweet as fantasy. We all deserve a few of those moments once in a while.
On Friday, I got mine.
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about 1 year ago
Yankees Suck
about 1 year ago
But out of curiosity Aaron, why do you dislike football and basketball so much?
about 1 year ago
I like college football and basketball, they are exciting. I just find the NBA and NFL so stale and boring. Basketball and especially football are mostly mindless sports that require hardly any skills other then being able to run fast jump high, and be able to physically overpower your opponent. The NBA used to be amazing. Magic, Bird, Dominique, Jordan. Doing things that no one did before. Now that athletes have gotten much bigger and stronger and faster, when you watch the pro game you hardly ever see anything you haven't seen before. Every game features a guy making a great jumping catch, a dunk over two people and a huge bone crushing hit. The sports are too simple, too linear to evolve to anything more. Every player in the NBA can dunk over 3 guys. The game is to easy. There is hardly any difference between the "best player" and the rest of the field because everyone can run jump, shoot, dunk, tackle, hit etc... By contrast, baseball soccer and hockey require the player to do numerous things. These sports are so hard to play, that even the best pro players can't dominate the game. The best hitters still only get a base hit less then 40% of the time. In soccer and hockey, the games are so challenging to play that only a few elite players can do things that others can't. There is only one Sidney Crosby, or Ronaldinho. It is very hard for an offensive player to get around defenders in these sports. They require finesse, a word you won't find in football. I don't necessarily think it's that impressive for two linemen to sumo wrestle each other every play. Go on YouTube and expand your mind. Type in Ronaldiho, Lionel Messi, Kaka, Ronaldo. Or, Sidney Crosby, Alex Ovechkin, Wayne Gretzky.
Then go look at football and basketball highlights. Some guy running down the field. Wow, spectacular! Kobe Bryant dunking a ball. My God how do I contain myself. In short, I hate football and basketball because I've grown up, and I want to challenge myself and my mind and watch and appreciate new things.
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