10 Facts About Kurt Warner That Will Blow Your Mind (Humor)

bob vanceCorrespondent IApril 7, 2009

TAMPA, FL - FEBRUARY 01:  Kurt Warner #13 of the Arizona Cardinals takes his gloves off as he leaves the field after the Cardinals lost 27-23 against the Pittsburgh Steelers during Super Bowl XLIII on February 1, 2009 at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida.  (Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)

We know Kurt Warner is awesome. He's led two different teams to Super Bowl losses (and one win), has thrown for 4,000 yards multiple times, and has a babe for a wife (at least this year).

However, there's more to that stubble-chinned SOB than meets the eye. Don't believe me? I dare youDARE youto take that next step toward getting to know your favorite Arizona Cardinal (other than Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, Tim Hightower, Steve Breaston, ARC, Roderick Hood, Karlos Dansby, Neil Rackers, and even Edgerrin James), yes I still dare you to get to know this old, old, extremely old, and decrepit man.

An old, decrepit man who can fire a rocket of a football through your chest, mind you.

1. Kurt Warner can bag groceries faster than anyone in the world. Except for Jackie Chan. Don't ask. You don't want to question The Chan.

2. Kurt Warner actually wasn't a grocery store bagger (despite being awesome at bagging). No, he was a paper-weight. You know, cuz he's awesome at sitting in one spot and doing absolutely nothing.

Oh, except for firing razor sharp, fiery cannon balls into receivers' chests...as well as your chest, if you don't watch it!

3. Warner secretly wants Anquan Boldin out of Arizona, because this place ain't hot enough for the both of them. Or something to that effect.

4. It's not unusual to be loved by anyone.

I'm sorry, that has nothing to do with Kurt Warner. Tom Jones just pops into my head from time to time. I guess I should think about changing the title to "10 Facts About Me AND Warner," ehh?

5. Kurt played Dungeons and Dragons when he was in high school, and stopped playing never. He owns at that game.

6. Kurt wears the number 13 because he formatted his "I'm a rock sitting in the pocket" game behind Dan Marino. Marino had the whole "I've had a thousand surgeries on my ankles" excuse, but whatev.

7. Whether you think so or not, Warner is in fact Superman. It explains the literal inability for anyone on this planet to fully shave his face. His wife tried once, back in 1999, and it blew all her hair off. Dude has a powerful chin, yo.

8. Kurt Warner isn't so much "accurate," as he is "obsessive compulsive." In practice, he literally just keeps throwing the ball to Larry Fitgerald, and all the while Ken Whisenhunt screams at him that he called a running play.

The team works around this.

9. Warner is the father of Matt Leinart. Leinart simply knows his role.

10. Warner gets his nails done before each Cardinals game. Hence, the gloves.

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