Tuesday Morning Rant: Every WWE Heel Sucks, and It's Getting Old

Andy Soucek@Andy_SoucekFeatured ColumnistMarch 5, 2013

Mark Henry is the curator of the Hall of Pain and the Hall of Cake. (photo via wwe.com)
Mark Henry is the curator of the Hall of Pain and the Hall of Cake. (photo via wwe.com)

Did you sleep well?

Or did you have that recurring nightmare of Fandango refusing to wrestle in your dreams because you couldn't say his name right?

Much like a Monday morning quarterback, The Tuesday Morning Rant takes a look at what happened on last night's Raw and lays out some of the more rant-worthy moments from the night's show.

But first of all, any show that has a "We want Virgil" chant can't be all bad.

Today's theme: the state of WWE's heels. Let's begin.

Does WWE realize that there are TV shows and pay-per-views beyond WrestleMania?

If it does, then why is it sacrificing nearly every bad guy on its show every week?

This has been a problem for years, but with more TV time than ever, and with no brand split in effect, watching the same guys job over and over again has become increasingly tedious.

Last week, I covered the perils of the three-hour Raw and the company's nonchalance at jobbing out any promising heel whenever it felt like it.

This week, that trend continued, and was maybe even worse. WWE’s lack of memory, or disregard for its fans, has become amazingly ridiculous—and even worse, boring to watch.

-The U.S. Champ Antonio Cesaro? He lost his sixth match to Ryback during his title run (and all six matches, inexplicably, were non-title matches).  

-Mark Henry? Sure, he can beat up Zack Ryder, but that doesn’t stop him from catching up with his 90-year-old ex-girlfriend and enjoying some birthday cake.

-Dolph Ziggler? Again, even with the help of AJ Lee and Big E. Langston, he can’t win a match. Oh, and he likes to teach children to read in his free time. What a jerk!

-The Primetime Players? For some reason, they were granted a rematch with Team Hell No, even though they clearly lost the most lopsided match in tag team history last week.

-The 3MB? This joke team didn’t last 30 seconds against another joke team.

-Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett? He can’t last five minutes against the World Heavyweight Champion.

-Primo and Epico? They can’t beat two guys who haven’t teamed up in 13 years.

-The Big Show? One of WWE’s best heels will be engaged in a feud with other heels.

-And yes, CM Punk won the “biggest match in Raw history,” which gave him the privilege to lose to Undertaker at WrestleMania.

Because of the constant burial of virtually every heel on the roster, WWE has to rely even more on its past and part-time stars to carry 'Mania.

Really, who will Cena face after WrestleMania? Ziggler? Barrett? Cesaro? They’re clearly not in his league. CM Punk or The Big Show again?

How about Fandango? That dancing gimmick is sure to set the world on fire, as Tensai, The Great Khali and Brodus Clay have clearly proven.

Their strategy of devaluing their homegrown heels is damaging to the short- and long-term health of the company.

Just look at the marquee match for this week’s Smackdown. Why, it’s Dolph Ziggler vs. Alberto Del Rio.

This could be interesting, had we not just watched Ziggler job to The Miz on Raw. Even more idiotic is that Ziggler has already jobbed three times to Del Rio since Jan. 29!

If Del Rio is such a fighting champion, why would he feel the need to offer a challenge to a guy he’s already defeated cleanly three times? Why doesn’t he call out Cena or Ryback?

It's because WWE is obsessed with (or just out of pure laziness) having us watch the same indestructible faces destroy the much less-imposing and cowardly heels every show.

WWE could have made WrestleMania a little more interesting by having Orton turn heel on Sheamus. Instead, it’s Round 3 against The Shield, with The Big Show being pulled in more out of necessity than anything.

WWE simply cannot continue this trend. The ratings were becoming alarmingly low just a few months ago. Then The Rock returned and Monday Night Football ended.

But The Rock will go away again. So will Hunter, Lesnar, Jericho and The Undertaker. Football will return.

So what’s left? A roster filled with damaged heels who can’t hold their own, and an audience tired of seeing the same matches.

Oh, and Fandango.