I write this piece today not just to continue my unprecedented streak of columns with a mention of Andrew Bynum, but, more importantly, to help the poor man out.
You see, very soon, his contract with the Philadelphia 76ers will expire before he ever had the chance to suit up. This will leave the poor man, at least temporarily, without any means of income.
Even worse, if he never fully recovers from his debilitating knee injuries, it could mean dire straits for the 25-year-old gentle giant who was thrust into the NBA spotlight directly from high school, without an opportunity to receive a secondary education and hone his craft in another field.
In the hopes that Bynum will not sink into a life of squalor, or worse yet, need to downsize to a home with less than 20 rooms, the following are some suggestions of night jobs he may be qualified to take up while he figures out his next career move:
Bowling Alley Operator
It's been well-documented that Bynum loves to bowl. And perhaps the place which may have cost him his first job could be the scene for his next.
Fortunately, Bynum's extended time away from the basketball court has not been for naught. It has given him ample opportunity to test-drive trendsetting hairstyles ranging from the mushroom-fro to Allen Iverson-meets-Princess Leia cornrows. We even know now what Moe from the Three Stooges would have looked like were he a seven-foot black man.
Can't you just imagine entering Supercuts and simply pointing to a Bynum look on the wall and saying "Give me that look?" Of course you can!
The fact that Bynum has not had a reality show at this point is nothing less than a travesty. This pitch would consist of him being led by a team of paranormal investigators through inopportune locales such as haunted insane asylums and, of course, Sixers' team photo shoots.
The kicker is that he could care less about the excursions, but would maintain an accommodating demeanor and put forth the minimal effort necessary so as to not upset the rest of the team or take the attention completely away from them.
Then again, maybe we should just hope the poor guy gets a job playing basketball again so he doesn't starve...