This article is the first of many humor articles that I will be writing. These humor articles are fake interviews with famous sports icons and what they might say if they were asked the questions I had for them. Just remember that these are fake interviews that are for humor purposes only. I have never held an interview with any of the people that are going to be in this series. Enjoy.
Ricky: Okay, let’s get started. Over the years you’ve had some memorable moments, most of these dealing with success. How do you define success?
Terrell: My definition of success is “Be the best, nothing less.” If you’re not the best at what you do, why waste your time doing it?
Ricky: Wow, that’s really defined. So, you obviously think you’re the best at what you do.
Terrell: I don’t think, I know.
Ricky: Right. Anyway, when players coming from college get drafted they are usually compared to someone already in the NFL. In recent years nobody has been compared to you. What are your thoughts about this?
Terrell: Well, isn’t it pretty straight forward? Nobody can be compared to me. Nobody is more productive and no one and I mean no one is more valuable to their team as I am. No matter what team I I play for, I make a difference. I’m the go-to guy in every situation. My leadership skills are better than any coaches in the league. I am Terrell Owens, nobody less.
Ricky: You could start a great argument about that. Speaking of being valuable to any team you play for, tell me about your decision to sign with Buffalo.
Terrell: My decision was simple, go to a team with a lot of potential and turn that potential into kinetic [energy]. With players like Marshawn Lynch and Lee Evans, we have a great opportunity at competing for Superbowl XLIV. We have a great head coach, great staff, and awesome fans. What more could you ask for.
Ricky: With you, a lot. But I notice you mentioned you have a great head coach. Tell me about your years in Dallas and how you handled the coaching.
Terrell: [chuckles] Ummmm…. Let’s see, when Duane [Bill Parcells] left I felt like a prisoner that got his shackles removed. Now that doesn’t mean he controlled me, because he didn’t, it just means he was always calling me out. In meetings he’d always use me as a bad example, so I just stop going.
I am not a bad person. People [coaches] treat me like garbage, so I have to show them that I’m not a push over. So, I stop showing up at practices, besides I’m going on my 11th year in the NFL. What do I need to practice? Duane hated when he couldn’t tell me what to do, that’s why he went to be the Dolphins vice-president so he could actually boss people around and get credit for it.
Ricky: Andy Reid?
Terrell: That fat excuse for a coach? He couldn’t touch me. I hated it there in Philadelphia. It’s a dirty city with dirty people [Donovan McNabb] and dirty fans. Andy couldn’t coach an expensive handbag. He couldn’t even coach his own son on how to be a man and not get in trouble with the law.
Ricky: That’s real deep. My last topic something to do with the law. You came into to contact with it [the law] when you threaten to kill yourself. Tell me what made you think of doing such a thing?
Terrell: [Sighs] Sometimes I think I’m too good for the NFL…
Ricky: Just sometimes. Are you sure not all the time?
Terrell: Well, I wasn’t going to brag, but I am better than the NFL and the way it treats me doesn’t balance itself. I’m supposed to do my best, and it’s supposed to reward me. But it’s not doing that. People complain that I am a “media menace.” I like the camera, what else am I supposed to do while I dominate the NFL?
Seriously, the NFL gets boring sometimes. Catching a ball and scoring a touchdown is all but fun after 11 years of doing it, a lot. But If I were a wide receiver, it would probably be the same, boring. If I were running-back, it would probably be the same, boring. If I were a quarterback, it would probably be the same, boring. What I am trying to say is that you can put me at any position, and the job would be boring because I would dominate too much.
Ricky: Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think you have a Super Bowl ring. Most people say…
Terrell: Most people say what? The best have Super Bowls. This is why I don’t listen to people. Look at Barry Sanders. He is one of the best backs to carry a football, and he never won a Super Bowl. Dan Marino broke every passing record, and he never won a Super Bowl. If I never win a Superbowl, I wouldn’t care.
The only thing that matters is me knowing I did my best, and if that doesn’t include a Super Bowl, I know it was the team that ruined my chance [Eagles vs. Patriots]. The only thing I can do about that is break a couple records so I can say that I had a great career. I already have the most receptions in a game with 20.
If that doesn’t say anything to anybody, they’re just haters, and I have shades for haters [takes out sunglasses and puts them on his face]. They’re called my hater-shades. And they’re drinking just drinking hater-aid so they can find things to hate on and stay hydrated on that.