12 Coaches Who Might Actually Kill You
Remember the good old days? Back when men were men, and an angry coach could throw referees into the rancor pit?
Maybe I remember the past differently, but it does seem like the average coach has become a far less physically intimidating specimen. Sure, all coaches get upset, but there doesn't seem to be as many that make you worried for yours (and others) physical wellbeing.
That being said, the following is a list of 12 CURRENT coaches out there who might actually extinguish your life force if they got mad enough. I've also provided their presumed finishing move of choice and their level of scariness along with some GIFs—because I spend my time wisely.
I'm not saying these coaches have—or are going to—hurt anyone. All I'm saying is that if you see them get that crazy look in their eye, stand still and try not to move.
Their vision is based on movement.
Greg Schiano seems like a nice guy, and he probably is.
That being said, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach looks entirely capable of ripping into you with his mouse teeth when provoked.
He morphs from guinea pig to death rodent the moment it even smells like his Bucs are going to give up a big play. So we've been seeing a lot of that lately.
Finishing Move: Hyper Fang.
Scariness Level: Turn on the kitchen lights in the morning aaaand GIANT COCKROACH.
"YOU WANT TO DIE TODAY, BOY??"
That's not how Will Muschamp speaks, but it's the message that's etched on his face when he's losing it on the sideline at The Swamp.
Here we see him giving Gators tight end Clay Burton a look that says "Do that again, and I'll make sure they never find you."
Finishing Move: Flying scissor kick to the neck, aka The Gator Guillotine.
Scariness Level: Watching The Strangers alone after a failed marriage proposal.
GIF via SBNation.com
Get excited, Vancouver—John Tortorella is coming to town, and bringing his vintage interviewing repertoire.
Tortorella is not going to censor himself, and if someone starts messing with his players, he'll come after them with a stick and a vengeance.
Finishing Move: Slap shot to the trachea.
Scariness Level: Angry Rottweiler with a long leash.
If venomous looks could kill, Gregg Popovich would've put Craig Sager in the ground years ago.
The San Antonio Spurs head coach doesn't want to harm anyone, but he'll recommend a nice little bridge for you to jump off if you ask more than your allotted two questions.
It isn't Popovich's anger that kills you—it's his disappointment.
Finishing Move: Says you'll earn his respect if you walk into traffic.
Scariness Level: Here's what interviewing Gregg Popovich feels like for journalists.
Image via religiousnews.com
"The Special One" is also probably the one who would have you removed via contract assassin, if it needed to happen.
Outwardly, Jose Mourinho isn't the first guy you'd expect to put someone six feet under. He tends to keep things catty, attacking people in a passive aggressive manner.
That being said, if it meant securing a win, the Chelsea manager would probably order the hit. He wouldn't do it directly, however. It's not his style.
Finishing Move: Knife in the back, followed by a fish hook in the eye.
Scariness Level: "We need to talk..."
GIF via Reddit (@Ecnot)
Jim Harbaugh is a toss-up.
He might shake your hand, but you wouldn't be surprised if he twisted it behind your back and demanded you say "Uncle." In that way, Jim Harbaugh is the perfect football coach—a fiercely competitive guy who isn't above losing his beans for the team.
He wouldn't purposely end you—he'd just get carried away and take you out after losing a challenge.
Finishing Move: Something like this, except with a headset instead of a treble hook.
Scariness Level: The moment you realize you have to call dad and tell him you wrecked the car.
GIF via @NAWTADIGM
Diego Maradona is currently the "spiritual coach" of Argentine club Deportivo Riestra, and probably the only man with that job title who would kick you into a hospital bed if it meant winning a game.
Maradona's "competitive spirit" (read: loosely hemmed in rage at the world) was part of what drove him to be one of the best soccer players in the history of the sport. It's also what drove him to knock people out cold on the pitch.
Finishing Move: Flying knee to the face.
Scariness Level: When you look in your rear view mirror and COP CAR.
Tom Coughlin is a maniac and I love him for it.
There aren't many 67-year-old coaches out there who can muster up more hate for a loss than an entire NFL roster, which is exactly what Coughlin did after his team was crushed 38-0 by the Carolina Panthers on Sunday.
Coughlin was concerned his team wasn't mad enough after the loss, which makes me wonder exactly what kind of angry act would've satisfied him.
Finishing Move: Shows you your still-beating heart, then says it isn't good enough.
Scariness Level: Wake up thinking you're late for an exam. You graduated college years ago.
Image via B/R
Frank Martin might have the single most intimidating stare in the history of the world.
Souls have turned to ash under these eyes, and grown men cower before the wrath of the Gamecocks head basketball coach. Before coming to South Carolina, Martin honed his craft at Kansas State, where he used fear to build a respectable program from the ground up.
I am terrified of this man.
Finishing Move: Literally melting your face with his eyes.
Scariness Level: That moment where you're walking down stairs and miss a step, and your brain tells you "We are now dead."
GIF via SBNation.com
Bo Pelini has a list of marked men, and he's going to "show them" what it means to incur his wrath.
Pelini was recently recorded ranting about certain Nebraska football fans and members of the media. His profanity-laced tirade included choice words for fair weather fans and annoying reporters, among other things.
While he didn't communicate it in the best way, Pelini is right—undependable fans are the worst.
That being said, if you have to leave a Nebraska football game early for some reason, be sure to deadbolt your door when you get home. Pelini sounds like he means business.
Finishing Move: Husker Headbutt—aka he headbutts you into the ground in the middle of a corn field.
Scariness Level: "Here's Johnny!"
Is he going to kill you or cough up zombie juice in your mouth?
Being head coach of the Fighting Irish football team is a high pressure, high profile job. Unlike Charlie Weis, Kelly isn't going to settle for year after year of losing seasons and stuffed crullers in South Bend.
He's going to scream, cajole and rant until his team reaches their goal—another resounding defeat in a national title game.
Finishing Move: Infects you with scream-spittle.
GIF via Photobucket.com
And here's an important .GIF of Brian Kelly freaking out
Jim Schwartz will kill you with a challenge flag or his bare hands—possibly both.
The Detroit Lions head coach doesn't hide his temper, and for that we thank him. Whether he's freaking out over a postgame handshake or angrily throwing his headset in celebration (...?), Schwartz wears it all on the sleeve.
Finishing Move: Unknown, although ballistics suggests a challenge flag entered the cranial cavity at high velocity.
Scariness Level: Girlfriend asks to borrow your laptop.
GIF via @CJZERO
Never let her borrow the laptop. Always follow me on Twitter.