This week comes with a record number of F's. Six in all. There is also an F- and an F---. The crappy grades are due to one of the ugliest weeks of football in recent memory.
There were fascinating and beautiful moments like Detroit-Dallas sprinkled on top of a big, poopy ice cream cone. Yes, I said poopy ice cream cone. That's analysis.
The Jaguars are a weekly monstrosity, but the Falcons, Eagles and Jets left a particularly bad odor. This week wasn't just hard to predict; it was hard to watch.
Now, on to this week's grades. Try not to cover your eyes. Hard to read that way.
|49ers||A||Dear Londoners: On behalf of all Americans, we apologize for the Jaguars. Signed, the United States.|
|Bengals||A+++||A complete and utter obliteration of the Jets. This type of dominating performance makes you wonder if the Bengals are really the best team in the AFC, not the Broncos or Chiefs. I didn't say they were. I said it makes you wonder. It seems quarterback Andy Dalton is finally starting to get it.|
|Bills||D||A pity grade. Should be an "F," but the Bills had zero chance of beating the Saints in New Orleans. Zero.|
|Broncos||B||In many ways, this was as impressive a win as the Broncos have had all year. Why? They played horribly and still won big. Peyton Manning had three picks and a fumble, but the Broncos ended the game with 38 straight points.|
|Browns||B-||Bad news: They lost. Good news: Jason Campbell threw for almost 300 yards and two scores. Campbell showed he can play, and the Browns showed toughness in coming back.|
|Cardinals||A+||This team continues to have one of the most underrated defenses in football. They intercepted Matt Ryan four freaking times.|
|Chiefs||B||Not pretty, but as with the Broncos, sometimes winning ugly is winning big.|
|Cowboys||F||Massive, choking fail. And this time Tony Romo can't be blamed. The defense allowed Megatron to have nine cabillion yards.|
|Dolphins||F||I hate to say this. It pains me to say this. I've been a Ryan Tannehill proponent. Big time. But the turnovers are alarming. He had three against New England, two of them leading to Patriots scores.|
|Eagles||F||Matt Barkley steps in for Mike Vick and looks horrible. So it's official: All of the Eagles quarterbacks are terrible.|
|Falcons||F||A horrid, disgraceful effort. Stick a fork in this bird.|
|Giants||B||I feel a Giants run coming. The defense is playing better, Eli Manning is playing better, and the division is a joke. Why in the hell can't they win it?|
|Jaguars||F||An 0-16 record is on the horizon. It's now visible. Like a stripe on a skunk.|
|Jets||F---||Just when you want to believe in the Jets and Geno Smith, this happens. Smith threw two pick-sixes.|
|Lions||A+++||Calvin Johnson's 329 receiving yards were the second most in a single game in NFL history. Day-um.|
|Packers||A+||Just decimated that Vikings defense. Aaron Rodgers had two of the best throws you'll see all season. The Packers didn't punt once.|
|Panthers||A-||Cam Newton accounted for three scores. The team won for the fourth time in five games.|
|Patriots||B||I still look at what Tom Brady is doing and go: How is he doing it with that crappy talent around him? Instead of: What's wrong with Tom Brady? But that's just me.|
|Raiders||A||That run by Terrelle Pryor…I mean…what the…wow…holy crap.|
|Rams||C-||Backup Kellen Clemens is a heartbreaker. Not the good kind. The Rams defense played spectacularly.|
|Redskins||D||Off to a good start and then fall apart. Robert Griffin III looks…amazingly mortal.|
|Saints||A||After beating Buffalo, the Saints were saying how they needed to play better. Maybe they do, but Drew Brees threw for five touchdown passes. He was brilliant and is quietly putting together one hell of a season.|
|Seahawks||C+||The Seahawks defense was dominant against an eyesore of a Rams offense, including stopping them on the dramatic final play. The Seahawks' Golden Tate acted like a jackass on his touchdown celebration, though, and he needs to learn from Russell Wilson how to carry himself. This offense desperately needs Percy Harvin.|
|Steelers||F||It's just sad now. Like when Spock died.|
|Vikings||D||I know it was Aaron Rodgers. I know he's terrific. I know that offense is terrific, but the Vikings defense looked impotent. Former Packer Greg Jennings had one catch for nine yards.|