What Not to Wear at Sporting Events
I'm not claiming to be a fashion expert or anything—though I did win "Best Dressed" my senior year in high school—but I'd like to take a moment to offer some advice to those sports fans who could really use a little help.
I'm not talking about those who decide to just tuck in their jersey, though that's an awful look in itself, but rather those who do a poor job choosing what jersey or accessories to wear to a game.
Rather than give a formal tutorial on how to tie a bow tie—since I still don't know how to do that—here are a few things that no fan should ever be caught wearing at a sporting event.
15. A Suit
I get it. You're coming from work and didn't have time to run home and change before the game.
As with most of the things you'll see on this list, though, you need to plan ahead for nights like this.
Why would you want to be the uncomfortable guy sitting in those small seats and worrying about where to put your sport coat while scarfing down wings in your lap?
You shouldn't, so just bring a change of clothes to the office next time—because not even Jack Nicholson can pull this off.
There are a few fans who have become icons for their streaking ways, but I'd advise you not to follow in their footsteps.
Being naked (or close to it) might seem funny and liberating while you're boozing in the parking lot and you and your friends are tossing around the idea. But put yourself in the position of the person next to the naked guy—OK, now do you understand why this is a no-go?
13. An Entire Uniform
Go ahead and wear your team's jersey, or wear the same shorts that they wear on the court—just don't wear them together.
Although it's rare to see someone show up to a basketball game in just a jersey and shorts—since it's the winter and all—it's not uncommon for fans to wear full pads in the stands at football games.
You're there to cheer, not hope that you get mistaken for a player and put into the game.
12. Spandex Suit
I know that these became popular thanks to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and then got taken to the next level by Vancouver Canucks fans Adam Forsyth and Ryan Sullivan, but it might be time to tone it down a bit.
I'm just saying that it's worn out, with a few pairs of dudes wearing their version of the outfit to every single sporting event.
Whether green, pink or some other color, let's leave the spandex for older ladies at the gym.
Personally speaking, I think it's a little worn out for the 80 percent of players who wear them, so I'd suggest not trying it yourself.
A sporting event isn't where you want to look chic and cool, so ditch the frames and dress it down a bit.
10. A Team Poncho
Oh, is it raining?
Well, if you didn't come prepared, that's your fault since you were too lazy to check the weather beforehand.
Instead of just getting drenched, though, please do yourself a favor and watch the game from inside one of the stadium bars rather than purchasing a plastic bag to drape over your clothes.
Not only does it look terrible, but it'll set you back about $12, which should be used on a few brews instead.
9. A Jersey for the Wrong Sport
If you're going to a baseball game, never wear a basketball or football jersey. That rule applies for any other sport.
And unless you want to come off as a full-fledged weirdo, never go to a game wearing the jersey of one sports team with the name of an athlete who plays an altogether different sport on the back—like this Tim Tebow Colorado Rockies jersey.
8. Tennis Ball Hats
I'm at a loss for words on this one.
There are plenty of other options that a classy tennis fan might want to wear than an oversized felt ball on his head during a match.
Yet these fans thought leaving their house with them on was a good idea.
7. A Misspelled Jersey
There's no way this guy didn't know the jersey he put on wasn't spelled correctly, right?
Claiming to be a New York Knicks fan, I'm sure, how could he not only purchase a jersey that doesn't have Walt Frazier's name spelled right, but then have the balls to wear it in public?
I want to be proud of this guy for not caring, but I just cannot accept this at all.
6. Flair Hair Visor
Would you believe that there are actually versions of this for every single NFL team?
What in the hell is this world coming to?
Visors themselves should be reserved for two people: Steve Spurrier and Phil Mickelson. On anyone else, it's an awful look. And when you add the fake "flair hair" sewn into it, it's close to being the most embarrassing sports item ever.
5. Those Half-Jersey Things
I'm not sure when these became popular, but I distinctly remember first seeing one get some exposure during the Ohio State-Notre Dame Fiesta Bowl game from 2007.
That's when Brady Quinn's sister wore one to show support for her baby bro and future husband, former Buckeyes linebacker A.J. Hawk, splitting their jerseys right down the middle.
Since then, there have been all sorts of different styles, with the Peyton Manning Indianapolis Colts-Denver Broncos jersey being one of the more popular in recent weeks.
4. Autographed Jersey
Oh cool, you got your favorite player to sign that authentic jersey you spent $250 on?
I can understand the excitement of getting an athlete to do that for you, but rather than be the goober who wears it to a sporting event, why not invest in a frame to hang it on your wall to cherish it a little more?
I'm guessing you can just get a used replica jersey from a thrift store to wear to games to replace it.
3. The Visiting Team's Jersey
I'm all about manning up and going to a road game to support your favorite team. In fact, I think it's an essential experience in bragging about how big of a fanatic you are.
Still, make sure you do it subtlety.
Being that obnoxious drunk guy might be funny and/or acceptable to fellow fans while in your home park, but once you go into someone else's territory, you're just asking for an ass whoopin'.
2. Sweatbands (For Anyone Old Enough to Drive)
I'll be lenient and give the OK for any kid as old as a sophomore in high school to still be seen in public with this look.
Kids love swag, so let them do their thing.
A grown man trying to wear a sweatband either around his head or on his forearms, though? No good.
Leave that kind of stuff to the kiddos; you're not part of a dance crew.
1. Track Suits
Track suits shouldn't even be acceptable to be worn in public, let alone at a sporting event.
If you're the type of person who enjoys the feel and sound of cheap nylon rubbing between your legs with each step, I just feel sorry for you.
Leave the warm-up apparel to the athletes playing and dress like a normal person would—in khakis and a tee.