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Sports Movies That Actually Need a Reboot

Dan CarsonTrending Lead WriterNovember 12, 2013

Sports Movies That Actually Need a Reboot

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    Image via Disney

    Every once in a while, Hollywood will try their best to update old movies and give them a modern, gritty edge—but it doesn't work often.

    Classics are classics, and most of them deserve to rest in peace.

    That being said, if you ever saw a movie poster for Air Bud Reloaded, you would be in the theater cramming Sour Patch Kids in your face before you even realized you bought tickets.

    It's the allure of change that gets us every time. How is Air Bud reloaded? Is he armed? Am I about to see a dog play basketball and fight crime?

    With that, the following are a number of sports movie classics that could use a modern reboot, along with my personal plot pitches for how it should go down.

'Field of Dreams'

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    Image via @movieclips

    The Original: A simple corn farmer builds a baseball stadium on his land after voices tell him to.

    The Reboot: Field of Beams

    The mayor of a major metropolis demolishes the city's baseball stadium after voices tell him it will cost money to keep around. 

    The Pitch: Basim Deed is a fictional mayor of a fictional city called Batlanta, and he's facing a big problem.

    The bills are piling up on the city's doorstep and he's running out of options. In dire straits, he walks the streets of Batlanta and ends up in front of Burner Field—home of the Batlanta Babes baseball team.

    That's when he hears a voice: "Ignore it, and they will move."

Jerry Maguire

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    The Original: A hotshot sports agent loses all of his clients after developing a conscience.

    The Reboot: Jay Maguire

    A hotshot record label exec loses his clients after stretching the game out, X-ing their names out, putting "Jigga" on top and dropping albums nonstop for them. Starring Jay Z as Jerry Maguire and Beyonce Knowles as Dorothy Boyd.

    The Pitch: Sick of the rampant moral depravity of the big music companies, Jerry Maguire quits his job at Vibe Music International and starts his own record label.

    Maguire gives a fiery speech asking colleagues and clients to leave the company and join his label, but is only followed by coworker Dorothy Boyd. The two fall in love and eventually become engaged.

    "You had me at 'HOV'!" 

Rudy

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    The Original: An undersized walk-on with a heart of gold fights for a spot on the Notre Dame football team.

    The Reboot: A Rudy Awakening.

    An undersized walk-on with a heart of gold fights for a spot on an SEC football team and is utterly destroyed. Introducing Patrick Willis as "Junk Hampton."

    The Pitch: Rudy walks on at fictitious SEC football powerhouse Loubama State, only to be literally tackled in half by All American linebacker Junk Hampton during the first day of practice.

    Rudy loses both legs in the incident, but through a miracle of modern medicine, doctors are able to provide him with super robotic prosthetics. He can run, jump and cut twice as fast as before, but still isn't good enough to start because, y'know, it's the SEC.

    Rudy ends up spending four years on the sidelines holding Hampton's helmet, paying his own way through school and accruing massive debt. He leaves Loubama nearly $100,000 in the hole, setting up the sequel—A Rudy Awakening 2: First Team All-Fraud.

Cool Runnings

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    The Original: An unlikely team of oddball Jamaican bobsledders go for the gold at the 1988 Winter Olympics

    The Reboot: Hot Runnings.

    An unlikely team of oddball Jamaican bobsledders and one smoking hot blonde go for the gold at the 1988 Winter Olympics. Starring Scarlett Johansson as Jewel Brenner. 

    The Pitch: Disgraced bobsled champion Irv Blizter drunkenly agrees to coach three Jamaican sprinters and a busty, no-nonsense rickshaw runner, believing it will go nowhere.

    Miraculously, the team manages to make it into the Olympic qualifiers and does well on their first two runs.

    On the brink of qualifying, the Jamaican team suffers a scary crash on their final run and lose their shot at competing in the Calgary Games. The impact of the crash ruins the sled and tears a deep, U-shaped gash down the collar of Jewel's skinsuit.

    Down but not defeated, Jewel and the team carry their ruined vessel through the finish line. The applause is deafening.

     

White Men Can't Jump

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    The Original: An unlikely pair of streetballers team up in the name of profit.

    The Sequel: White Men Can't Jump 2: One Night in Bangkok.

    A culture clashing comedy sequel with Billy and Sidney heading overseas in search of money and international blacktop legends to defeat. Introducing Stephon Marbury as "Dookie Dunks-A-Lot."

    The Pitch: Sidney and Billy gracefully bowed out of the game after beating "The King" and "Duck," and are now working straight jobs.

    Billy has found a gig as a postal worker, while Sidney manages shifts at the Sizzler. Both hate their jobs, but and it's Sidney who finally snaps and ends up unemployed after throwing steaming hot queso on a customer.

    Desperate for cash and excitement, Sidney begs Billy to join him and play in an overseas tournament in Thailand, where streetballers are flocking like the salmon of Capistrano. 

    Billy eventually agrees and they travel to Bangkok for the ultimate showdown with streetball legend Dookie Dunks-A-Lot and his teammate—a mute Samoan named Buckets.

Air Bud

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    The Original: A basketball-playing golden retriever helps his young master adjust to life at a new school.

    The Reboot: Air Pug.

    A basketball playing pug battles hip dysplasia and helps his young master meet women. Introducing Rodney the Pug as Buddy.

    The Pitch: Shy and in a new town, Josh Framm doesn't quite fit in.

    All that changes, however, when he meets Buddy—a stray pug that can nose basketballs into the basket when it's feeling 100 percent, but often can't due to breathing problems and constant pain in its haunches.

    As such, Buddy spends most of his time on the bench, becoming the de facto team mascot and an absolute babe magnet for Josh, who's rolling in the digits by the end of the school year. Summer begins, and Josh and his friends shoot a Vine with Buddy pretending to drive an SUV.  

    The pug becomes more Internet famous than Thriller Cat, and the movie ends with Buddy breathing noisily as Ari Gold pitches him movie ideas in a Hollywood office.

Hard Ball

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    The Original: An aimless young man with a gambling problem agrees to coach inner city little leaguers.

    The Reboot: Million Dollar G-Baby.

    A successful, young businessman agrees to coach inner city little leaguers because it's the nice thing to do and no one dies tragically. Starring Donald Glover as Conor O'Neill and Kid President as G Baby.

    The Pitch: Conor O'Neill, a recent NYU graduate, is off to a great start in mergers and acquisitions at Merrill Lynch—but something just doesn't feel right.

    Having grown up in a seedy housing neighborhood, he knows the struggles kids go through living in poverty in the big city. 

    In the spirit of giving back to the community, O'Neill signs up to coach the Kekambas—an inner city little league team of brash young boys. His diligence and care helps the team go all the way to the championship. He also takes them on a Home Alone-style shopping spree at the toy store and G-BABY DOESN'T DIE.

The Legend of Bagger Vance

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    The Original: A whimsical golf savant helps a struggling pro rediscover his game.

    The Reboot: The Lawsuit of Bagger Vance.

    A struggling pro accidentally beans a whimsical law savant in the head and must fight tooth and nail in court in order to retain his home.

    The Pitch: Rannulph Junuh can't find his swing, and things only get worse when a sliced tee shot hits Bagger Vance in the head and he's forced to lawyer up.

    Vance, a uniquely intellectual drifter, happens to be a master of property law and personal injury complaints. Junuh will have to go to law school and learn every last tort in order to walk away from court with the clothes on his back. 

Space Jam

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    The Original: Michael Jordan teams up with animated characters to play against mutant thugs in the worst-officiated basketball game of all time.

    The Sequel:  Space Jam 2: The Reckoning.

    A gritty, road-to-redemption sequel set 20 years after the Tune Squad's victory over the Monstars. Introducing Derrick Rose as himself.

    The Pitch: Taz is dead, and only the game of basketball can redeem the Tune Squad, whose members have fallen into hard times after being replaced by a new generation of cartoons and superstars.

    Jordan is beset with paternity lawsuits and wrestles with his personal demons. He spends money recklessly, makes bets he can't win—just to feel something

    The Tunes have fared even worse, however.

    After seeing their jobs fall to the likes of Dora the Explorer and Steven Universe, they now lead vapid or destructive lives. Foghorn Leghorn is unemployed and has a troubling attachment to the bottle. Bugs Bunny is an unhappy Bulls beat reporter at the Chicago Tribune. His marriage with Lola has fallen apart and the two remain estranged. Daffy Duck is stuck in middle management.

    It takes the Tazmanian Devil's sudden passing to bring them all together again, at which point they realize that life isn't meant to be lived lying down. They get the team back together and decide to enter the National Cartoon Athletic Association tournament. Derrick Rose takes the place of Jordan, who claims he's "too old" to play and prefers to coach. Rose is injured in the championship game against The Exploras, and Jordan suits up to play.

    There's also a brief Bill Murray cameo which involves arm-stretch dunking—tons of arm-stretch dunking, actually.

     

    Join me on Twitter for more disconcerting sports takes and weird news.

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