NFL Mock Draft: Eat Your Heart Out, Mel Kiper

Nino Colla@TheTribeDailySenior Writer IApril 18, 2008

I don't really have a witty opening here, and nor do I plan on thinking of one.

Why should I? All the ideas of possible draft picks are running through my head.

So, instead of wasting more time, I'll just tell you what I'm doing.

There are probably 50 different versions of these flying all over ESPN's Page 2. So that is why I'm doing the idea justice and ripping them off.

Here is the ultimate mockery of mock drafts for 2008.

The first thing we are going to do is make it a lottery like the NBA, because lets face it. That is just a brilliant idea.

The thing is the order came out pretty much intact. The only differences were the New York Jets got the first pick, and the New York Giants got the second pick.

Yes with just one lottery ball, the New York Giants were picked second. Let's face it, it's not the only time they beat ridiculous odds.

Shoot! There’s that witty intro, stop wasting time!

1. New York Jets - Stephen Spielberg, Filmmaker 

Not to be outdone by his counterpart Bill Belichick, Eric Mangini enlists Spielberg to help him create the ultimate collection of opposing team's walkthroughs.

2. New York Giants - Mercury Morris, Perfect RB

I'm willing to bet Mercury has dirty pictures of Tom Coughlin and the entire Giants team. How else could they muster up the ability to beat the Patriots? Mercury continues to blackmail New York into helping him make his comeback.

3. Cleveland Browns - Alice the Snorg Girl

Bill Parcells refuses to make a pick, then promptly deals it for Derek Anderson and every pick the Browns own. They select the girl from the Snorg T-Shirt advertisements because apparently, she's kind of a big deal.

4. St. Louis Rams - Trevor Immelman, Golfer

How many Majors has Marc Bulger won? That's right, one less than Trevor Immelman! 

5. Atlanta Falcons - Snoopy, Cartoon Dog

What better way to show you disapprove of Michael Vick's actions than select probably the most lovable dog ever? I mean, Snoopy is Joe Cool. 

6. Oakland Raiders - Tommy Kelly, Raiders DL

They liked him enough to give him an absurd amount of money. But, they like him that much more to select him in a spot they didn't have the guts to select him at years ago. 

7. Kansas City Chiefs - Trey Hillman, Royals Manager

Hey, he turned the Royals around. Why not the Chiefs? The only downside is Billy Butler is not included in the selection. Too bad, the "Big Donkey" would have brought some punch to that offensive line.

8. New England Patriots - Darren McFadden, RB

What? Just because none of the other teams are taking real players doesn't mean Bill Belichick has to play by those rules. Haven't we learned this by now?

9. Baltimore Ravens - The Entire Michigan Defense

Matt Ryan be damned, the Ravens are going to make Troy Smith work. What better way to give him some confidence in practice? I may have just poked my team, but I don't really care at this point.

10. Cincinnati Bengals - Dexter Morgan, Serial Killer

I've never seen the show but apparently this guy kills people and gets away with it. Perfect!

11. New Orleans Saints - A 12-Foot Wall

How else are they going to stop the streaking receivers from running down their side of the field? 

12. Buffalo Bills - Vince Carter, Nets Forward

In anticipation for their eventual move to Toronto, they need a tour guide and someone who is already familiar with the fan base.

13. Denver Broncos - Brian "Smash" Williams, Dillon Panthers RB

Mike Shanahan is content on showing the world ANY running back can play in his system. Even a fictional one.

14. Carolina Panthers - Stephen Curry, Davidson Guard

The NCAA Tournament darling is staying home to score for the Panthers. The Bobcats can have him if they take Jake Delhomme.  

15. Chicago Bears - Dr. Weird, Aqua Teen Hunger Force

The Bears are content on keeping Rex Grossman, so they've brought in old school cartoon favorite Dr. Weird to help make adjustments. If you are a fan of the show, then you know that only Dr. Weird could genetically mutate Rex Grossman into a viable quarterback. Gentlemen, my quarterback with the robot arm!

16. Detroit Lions - Mike Greenberg, ESPN Radio Host/Spelling Bee Host/Duel Host

Greeny is a man of many hats these days. He is also the latest and greatest thing that everyone will eventually get sick of when they all realize he has no talent.* Makes sense for the Lions.

17. Arizona Cardinals - Shaquille O'Neal, Suns Center

The Big Cactus Part II. When asked what they were thinking, the Cardinals just said: "It seemed like a good idea at the time!"

18. Minnesota Vikings - Tim Tebow, Florida QB

Three years of college my foot! The Vikings need a quarterback and they need him now. Unfortunately Tim Tebow isn't exactly what they were thinking, but time was running out and they just asked who won the Heisman last year. Oops.

19. Houston Texans - Miguel Tejada, Astros SS

In light of his recent age discovery, Tejada decided he better make the most of it. Rumor has it he throws harder than David Carr ever did. 

20. Philadelphia Eagles - Brian Brohm, Louisville QB

Kevin Kolb's eventual replacement, after Kolb replaces Donovan McNabb, eventually. Now I'm thinking of Danny Kolb. Now I'm thinking of  Danny Almonte.

21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Dramatic Look Prairie Dog

He is sweeping the nation! Look at that form, this kid has a future in the acting business!

22. Washington Redskins - All the SEC Head Coaches

Since I still don't know who Daniel Snyder picked for his head coach, why not just give him 12. One of them might stick. It's like throwing a bunch of magnets at the refrigerator.

23. Dallas Cowboys - Floyd Mayweather Jr., Boxer

Always looking to make headlines, Jerry Jones and Mayweather begin their partnership together. Who else better to take down the Giants than "The Giant Killer" himself? 

24. Pittsburgh Steelers - Kenny George, UNC-Asheville Center

Here's your tall receiver Ben. No way he overthrows the 7'6 George who plays college basketball for UNC Asheville. 

25. Tennessee Titans - Kirstie Alley, Has-Been Actress and Fired Jenny Craig Sponsor

Since she is off her diet, she might be able to take over as the person who eats those white dots. Oh, that's not actually food? Oh well, that's not such a bad thing.

26. Seattle Seahawks - Ed Hochuli, NFL Referee

Still feeling salty over their Super Bowl XL loss, the Seahawks get someone on their side. Hochuli can also double as a player because unlike the rest of the NFL, he can take steroids.

27. Jacksonville Jaguars - "Cloverfield" Monster

I don't even know if there ended up being a monster in the movie, nor do I care. I just know I have to appeal to the people who did watch the movie.

28. San Diego Chargers - Barry Bonds, Free Agent Outfielder

First it was Shawne Merriman, and then came Stephen Cooper. They might as well bring in Barry Bonds to teach them how to not get caught. 

29. Dallas Cowboys - Matt Ryan, Boston College QB

The Browns admitted no one in this draft class would be better than Brady Quinn. The Cowboys disagree and spite them with this pick. Then trade him to Baltimore to spite them even more.

30. San Francisco 49ers - Alexander Ovechkin, Capitals Forward

The Niners need someone that will score.  

31. Green Bay Packers - Brett Favre, Retired QB

What do you mean he isn't eligible? I thought once you retired you could go back into the draft. It seemed too good to be true!

32. Forfeited New England Pick - Joe Smith, Cavaliers Forward

Every time I look at "Forfeited" next to the Patriots name on mock drafts, I can only think about all those first-rounders the Timberwolves lost for the Joe Smith incident.  

*I actually think Mike Greenberg is talented, whoops! 


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