Let's face it guys, the majority of women don't give a crap that the Yankees lost. They don't care that Tom Brady is back on the field, and most of all (and I mean most of all), they're not interested in the Lakers flag you just bought for the front of the house.
In fact, you might as well take it back. You know that even if you sneak it up on it's mount while she's at the store, it'll come back down before dark.
So, how can you detect the level of annoyed-with-you she's reached? When is it time to step away from the television and offer to do the dishes? Here are a few situations you might encounter, and how they should be handled if you want to stay on the good side of the one you care most for (ahem... that would be your woman).
A Bad Day in Suburbia
On your way home from work, Twitter text'd you to let you know that Paris Lenon just signed with your team, the New England Patriots. This guy is an inside linebacker who played for last season's winless Detroit Lions.
Granted, he led that team in tackles...but seriously, they didn't win a single game.
You're pissed. The Patriots needed a pass-rushing outside linebacker, not an undersized inside linebacker who might push your favorite Patriot down on the depth chart.
As you walk in the door upon arriving at your home, you notice that she's just as aggravated as you are. All you did was set foot in your house, and you've already fallen victim to the infamous raised eyebrow.
What to do?
Your woman is supposed to be your lover AND your best friend. She should understand if this Paris Lenon news super-cedes whatever it is that she's pissed about, right?
Wrong. Take the eyebrow as a warning, and don't move or speak. Keep your emotions in check, because even if she's only going to tell you that she doesn't like the way her hair looks today, or that she feels fat, these things are WAY more important than any sports-related issue you might have.
If you shrug these types of things off, and head straight into telling her why you're in a bad mood...consider your evening doomed. In fact, it's best to wait until after you've helped with post-dinner clean-up to even think about mentioning the Lenon signing.
The Awkward Phone Call
We know we suck at talking on the phone. It's not our fault. We were born that way.
In fact, she knows that too. But, she loves you, so every once in a while, she's going to call you. In fact, she might even call you from the local department store while she's treating herself to a shopping trip.
Women love shopping, so she's probably in a great mood when she calls you. You, of course, are on the couch watching the game.
When she asks you if you took out the garbage yet (like she asked you to), you need to spit out an immediate, "Yes babe," as you get up to go do it. Any hesitation, and she'll know you didn't do it yet.
Already, the phone call would be going downhill.
As long as you survived that part of the call, we're now moving onto your opinions on what she's looking at. You can't see what she's looking at, but you need to give your opinion nonetheless.
This is where it gets tricky.
You now need to turn your attention completely away from the game. If she describes two articles of clothing to you, and asks which one she should get, you need to remember the details of what she's describing. The reason being your one-or-the-other answer will not be good enough.
"Why," she asks.
If you don't know why...end of phone call. Now you're in trouble.
Most importantly, at no point during this phone call should you mention the game you're watching, or even react to things happening in it. Never forget that she doesn't like sports, and anytime she thinks you're more interested in sports than her, you'll be spending the rest of the week convincing her otherwise.
Not to mention that any mention of sports will ruin her train of thought, and your conversation will be over.
Her Favorite Show's Season Finale
These shows that they watch (Sex and the City, Lifetime Movies, etc.) don't schedule their programs around important sporting events. You need to prepare yourself for the worst.
I don't care if it's Super Sunday. When she has something she really wants to watch, you need to let her watch it.
If you don't already have a TiVo, or your cable provider's DVR package, now is the time to act. These inventions have saved relationships and marriages across the globe and will continue to do so until the women we love begin to understand our passion for sports.
In other words...forever.
I hope that these guidelines for surviving the above situations will help you in your efforts to keep the magic in your respective relationships. Maybe I'll do a "part two" in the future.
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