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Crimson Tide Football: Ten Ways To Better Punish Alabama (Humor)

NEW ORLEANS - JANUARY 02:  Siaki Cravens #64 of the Utah Utes celebrates after defeating the Alabama Crimson Tide 31-17 during the 75th Allstate Sugar Bowl at the Louisiana Superdome on January 2, 2009 in New Orleans, Louisiana.  (Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)
Razorback ExpatsSenior Analyst IJune 12, 2009

What I think the NCAA is lacking in, among other things, is imagination. I think it is a safe bet that Alabama someday in the future is going to be caught again in some type of football scandal like the recent textbook case, or something much worse.

What the NCAA needs is a pool of ideas about how to better go about punishing Alabama. How to hit them where it really hurts. Vacating wins? Pssh, who cares? That's what they are saying in Tuscaloosa. They know they won those games. To help the NCAA out, I have a few ideas of my own.

  1. The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama, for two years, will not be allowed to sell any houndstooth clothing  merchandise. Nor will any fan be allowed in the stadium wearing such clothing.
  2. The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama has to close the Paul Bear Bryant Museum for one year, except for the hours of 8:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. on Sunday mornings (Thus forcing the Tiders to choose between their gods. They are bound to feel guilty no matter which place they choose on Sunday).
  3. The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama has to replay scenes on its scoreboard of Auburn’s greatest victories during each home half-time for a period not to exceed four years.
  4. The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama has to rename one campus building “Phil Fulmer Hall” for the period of the rest of Phillip Fulmer’s natural life. The building in question will be determined by Mr. Fulmer.
  5. The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama must remove the mascot of an elephant from its buildings, signs, and clothing, and replace it with a mouse for the period not to exceed three years.


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