Imagining Every Premier League Club with a Hull Tigers-Style Name Change
Hull City owner Assem Allam believes that the key to his club's ongoing survival is a name change to Hull Tigers.
Apparently, the only possible way to generate interest in the club in foreign markets is to abandon their terribly common "City" suffix for something that will entice new fans. Some may argue that playing well, having good players and winning trophies is a more traditional route to "expanding the brand," but there you go.
According to the BBC, Allam has expressed his disappointment in an FA statement revealing their intention to block the club's planned rebranding.
Now, the club will ballot their season-ticket holders on the issue, with the misguided view that a majority may actually support the new name.
But what if Hull fans actually supported the Tigers' name change? Could it open the doors for other clubs to abandon their heritage with new names to appease marketing demands?
Here's how the rest of the Premier League might look with Tigers-style rebranding...
Arsenal are renowned around the world for their relentless pursuit of the non-existent-but-very-important Fourth Place Trophy. Why not incorporate that into their branding?
The only downside is that four is an unlucky number in China, thus limiting the Asian market.
Aston Mountain Lions
Birmingham isn't exactly renowned for its mountainous regions, but you don't see an awful lot of tigers on the streets of Hull either.
Cardiff have already suffered at the hands of global branding demands, so why not take things a step further?
Here, we've invented a new mythical creature, a half-dragon half-bluebird. It's utterly ridiculous, so it seems appropriate to call it "Vincent."
Since Aston Villa already have the lion market cornered, Chelsea must pick another arbitrary big cat to go by.
Some might say they "cheated" their way to the top with Roman Abramovich's millions, and according to some completely made-up research, people really love Cheetahs.
Croydon Thunder Eagles
Since Croydon is such a beautiful, tourist-friendly area of London, Crystal Palace should take advantage of its reputation and use its name in their rebranding.
Also, since the marketplace is crowded with birds (as you'll soon see), they should replace the eagle with the equally aggressive thunderbolt.
Everton Red Bulls
Last year there were rumours that Red Bull wanted to back a Premier League team, with aspirations of competing in the Champions League.
Perhaps The Toffees could become The Taurine-laced Energy Drinks?
Football teams are always looking for opportunities to cross-promote their brand in other sports—just look at Chelsea's sponsorship of the Sauber F1 team.
Fulham owner Shahid Khan also happens to own the Jacksonville Jaguars NFL team. Just imagine if he started buying up all kinds of sports teams to build his jaguars portfolio—we could see they Surrey Jaguars cricket team, the Bradford Jaguars rugby team and maybe Rory McIlroy-Jaguar on the PGA Tour.
The Liverpool 1980s
If Blink 182, the 1975 and Maroon 5 taught us anything, it's that people really love bands with numbers in their names.
Much like Schalke 04 and TSG 1899 Hoffenheim, Liverpool could apply the number principle to football, simultaneously evoking the era when perms were tight, moustaches were bushy, shell suits were shiny and the Reds were on top of the world.
The Houston Oilers played in the NFL for 38 years, but they ceased to exist in 1998, back when Manchester City were in the third tier of football boasting the likes of Shaun Goater up front.
The Texan side no longer needs its name or logo, so Sheikh Mansour's side can benefit from all that precious brand recognition, with a name that explicitly points to the reason that they have good players now.
Manchester Home Counties
It's a lazy joke to suggest that no Manchester United fans actually come from Manchester. To say the trains from the counties surrounding London heading to Old Trafford on matchdays are packed is almost trite.
Yet rebranding is all about giving the fans what they want, no matter how ridiculous the measures may be. By nodding to the geographical location of the core fanbase, the Red Devils may build a greater bond with them. And during this difficult time, the club need to please their fans as much as possible.
Newcastle may prefer to be called the Magpies, but a club with a strong record of embarrassing themselves—by appointing Joe Kinnear and Dennis Wise to senior positions among other things—should probably be called the Clowns.
Most people associate canaries with coal mines and old people's homes, so it's quite clear that Norwich need a new bird on their crest.
We're quite sure the Yellowhawks would test much better with the vital 18-30 male demographic.
Southampton already have an instantly identifiable nickname in the Saints, which also happens to be the name of a very successful series of espionage-based books, movies and TV shows.
The South Coast side could borrow a logo from the old TV show, making the stick man look a bit like the Italia 90 mascot for added brand recognition.
Stoke City Cold Tuesday Nights
Nobody wants to go to Stoke on a cold Tuesday night. The Potters could help the Britannia's reputation as a fortress by incorporating its legend into their name.
Sunderland are known as the Black Cats because of the Black Cat Battery that was based on the River Wear. True story.
The military-tinged history of the nickname requires a combative black cat to be used in the rebranding. Hence, Sunderland should opt for a growling panther—much like the Carolina NFL team—rather than the kind of black cat that brings bad luck when it trots across the garden path in front of you.
Swansea Fighting Welsh
Anyone who has enjoyed a Friday night out in Swansea will know that there's a pretty good chance you will either witness or be directly involved in a fistfight.
The Swans should embrace this fighting spirit with a rebranding that borrows from the Notre Dame Fighting Irish University basketball team.
With their summer tours, Tottenham have been keen to expand into the US market, so they could learn a thing or two from the South Carolina Gamecocks college (American) football team.
Their fighting gamecock is much more aggressive-looking than Spurs' current slender cockerel perched on a basketball, plus there is plenty of opportunity for hilariously inappropriate nicknames and merchandise.
West Bromwich Parrots
West Brom's crest is currently adorned by a throstle. If the Baggies side want to expand their marketing reach, they'll need to pick a bird that 99.9 percent of the world's population has actually heard of.
They could do a lot worse than picking a parrot. Everyone loves parrots and they will make the West Midlands seem a little more glamorous.
West Ham Keira Knightleys
Last week, Keira Knightley reminded us she is a huge West Ham fan. The club should waste absolutely no time in capitalising on the support of one of the most famous movie stars in the world.
In the international market, the West Ham Keira Knightleys would probably register better than the West Ham Ray Winstones or the West Ham Pixie Lotts.