Insane Sports World Records
"Do you even break records, bro?"
For many of us the answer is "No. I leave that to brave people with dangerous amounts of free time." And that's how it should be.
It takes a special kind of crazy to do something no one else has done. You don't win the world record for "most boards broken in freefall" by lollygagging. You go in the garage and fall through boards every day until your rib cage has calcified into a Ninja Turtle shell and your friends stop coming by to check on you.
The journey of a record breaker is far from normal, but it produces some spectacular results. The following are a number of insane sports records that defy imagination.
You don't have to understand them, but you have to respect the hustle.
Longest Marathon Game of Basketball Ever Played
"Hey, old school. Want to run? For four-and-a-half days?"
Imagine playing two straight hours of pickup basketball. No breaks, no score to reach to end the event. Just 120 minutes of running the floor and D-ing up the short guy who takes it too seriously. You'd be toast by the end.
Now take that feeling and multiply it by 66. That's what 24 guys at the Missouri Athletic Club went through in 2012. Two teams, Joplin and Saint Louis, engaged in a 112-hour marathon basketball match. Teams of six played in two-hour rotations for four straight days.
Toenails and fingernails were lost, but the marathon match raised over $100,000 for Joplin tornado relief. The final score was 11,806 to 11,620.
Level of Insanity: Giving your taxi driver some Nerd Rope and a bottle of Jameson before asking him to take you to the "Yellow King."
Fastest Mile Run Wearing a 40-Pound Pack
Do you like running? Did you and your six pack bring home the Presidential Fitness Award in seventh grade?
Cool, now strap two bowling balls and an obese raccoon to your spine and see if you can win the blue shirt, Tanner.
Lee Riley of the UK did something of the sort, minus the bowling implements and live animals. The British man ran a 5:16.9 mile with a 40-pound pack on his back. He is a better person than us.
Level of Insanity: Clicking on articles to ask why they were written.
Fastest Goal Scored in Ice Hockey
Two seconds—that's the quickest a goal has ever been scored in an ice hockey game.
Yes, you can barely type an emoticon in the time it took Per Olsen to find the back of the net at the beginning of a 1990 Dutch hockey game.
Even crazier, Jorgen Palmgren Erichsen scored three goals in the span of 10 seconds during a Norwegian hockey game in 1991.
Level of Insanity: Watching Breaking Bad from the last episode to the first.
Longest Breath Hold Swim Under Ice
Stig Avall Severinsen jumped into a frozen lake in Greenland in 2013.
If that already sounds bat-stick crazy, it's because it is bat-stick crazy. The part that sends your nethers a-wrinklin', though, is the duration he spent submerged under a sheet of solid ice.
Severinsen swam 152.4 meters under the ice with a single breath. No tank, just a wet suit, fins and presumably a laminated will. The total dive time took two minutes and 11 seconds.
To put it into perspective, Severinsen went twice the distance shown in this video, where he free dived 150 feet in one breath wearing only a speedo.
Level of Insanity: Cage rage.
Referee with the Most Sports Qualifications
You know that guy from college who is going to grad school to be a doctor-lawyer-businessman?
Andreas Kolettis is the officiating version of that guy, except 12 times more ambitious (or equally scared of inadequacy).
The Greek man is qualified to referee 34 different sports. Need an archery official? You got it. Beach tennis, paratriathlons, table tennis and underwater shooting, too. Blind football—which I will assume is soccer for the blind—is second nature to Kolettis. He knows the rulebook inside and out. Braille edition notwithstanding.
Level of Insanity: The "Insanity" workout. In chain mail.
Farthest Golf Shot Caught in a Moving Car
This isn't a golfer hitting at convertibles in the club parking lot. This is a sports car chasing down golf balls in flight.
Formula One legend David Coulthard and pro golfer Jake Shepherd teamed up to set one of the most pointlessly awesome records of all time by landing a driven golf ball into a speeding Mercedes Benz SLS.
On their second official attempt, Coulthard managed to track down a 178 mph driver shot from Shepherd. There is no reason two grown men should ever waste time and resources landing tiny golf balls in expensive German cars, which makes the feat that much better.
Level of Insanity: Pizza bread bowl.
Most Shutouts Thrown in a Career
Biggest Blowout on NHL '94
Using 10-minute periods in regular-season mode, Kyle Waters scored 34 goals without return in NHL '94. He accomplished the feat in 2009.
Yes, it only took him 15 years.
Level of Insanity: Bat country.
Most Dunks in One Jump
Farthest Distance Traveled with Soccer Ball Balanced on Head
In 2011, Abdul Halim set a world record for distance traveled balancing a soccer ball on his head.
Halim moseyed a lengthy 15.2 kilometers (9.44 miles in American) at Bangabandhu National Stadium in Dhaka, Bangladesh.
This isn't video of his record-breaking feat; however, it communicates the idea that this man is operating on a whole other level than your average street performer.
Level of Insanity: Party pug.
Farthest Distance Static Cycling in One Hour
Going against everything we know about time, distance and human ability, Miguel Angel Castro of Spain managed to ride 68.08 miles in a single hour on a static cycling setup.
In laymen's terms, he had one hell of a day at spin class.
Level of Insanity: Carl Spackler.
Most Ejections in a Major League Baseball Career
In his 32 years as an MLB manager (1978-2010), Bobby Cox got himself ejected from 158 games.
I'm not even mad. It really is impressive.
Level of Insanity: Howling at the "moon," which is just a Margherita pizza you threw at the ceiling.
Most Stanley Cups in a Row
Back-to-back championships in any pro sport practically requires athletes to stamp "dynasty" on their business cards.
So, what did they call the Montreal Canadiens of the late 1950s? "Our Overlords to the North"?
The Habs won five Stanley Cups in a row. The only team that smelled this plane of excellence was the New York Islanders in the '80s, and they still couldn't manage to put together the quintuple cup string.
Level of Insanity: Zerg rush.
Most Golf Holes Played in Seven Days
U.S. amateur golfer Geno Bonnalie played 2,000 holes of golf over the course of seven days at Lewiston Country Club in Lewiston, Idaho.
Bonnalie used a cart and averaged 71.802 per round on a par 72 course. He shot 497 birdies over the course of the week and scored a 64 on his lowest round.
Takeaway lesson: We're all overthinking it.
Level of Insanity: Baking cookie dough ice cream.
Most Basketball Front Flips in 30 Seconds
Meet "The Extreme Team," a group of men exponentially better at dunking basketballs than naming groups of men that dunk basketballs.
The impressive feat here might be that no one received a Nike to the larynx when Mark Odgers, Tyler Terrell, Matthew Griff, Nathan Felt and Justin Leavitt executed 18 forward flip dunks in 2011.
Level of Insanity: The Bateman boogie.
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