2014 MLB Season Look-Alikes
At long last, another hot, sweaty season of baseball is off and running.
In honor of this shiny new season and all the hope it brings, I've taken the liberty of making some comparisons of MLB figures and their pop culture lookalikes. It seems like the only right thing to do.
The following are a number of MLB doppelgangers. Some are identical, while others might require a tall boy or two. Either way, crack one open and let's ring in this brave new season properly.
Tim Lincecum—Mitch Kramer
Every time I watched long-haired Tim Lincecum pitch, I expected the camera to pan back and show O'Bannion and the seniors smacking their paddles against the outfield wall.
Before he shaved his head, the San Francisco Giants pitcher was the real-life version of Mitch Kramer from Dazed and Confused.
Andrew Cashner—Chris Pratt
Remember that show where Andrew Cashner lived in a pit for a month?
Huh? That wasn't Cashner? I'm pretty sure it was. He also starred in Zero Dark Thirty.
So you mean to tell me actor Chris Pratt played the Seal Team Six guy and Andy from Parks and Recreation? Not the San Diego Padres pitcher?
Welp, my life is a lie.
Pedro Feliciano—David Paterson
When Pedro Feliciano isn't icing his shoulder and kicking around the minor leagues, it's safe to presume the New York Mets lefty is doing some kind of body-double work for former New York governor David Paterson.
Fact: Justin Upton doesn't look half as much like his brother B.J. as rapper T.I. does.
I can only imagine the number of children who have approached B.J. Upton and asked him to sign their Paper Trail album.
Kris Bryant—Zac Efron
Kris Bryant isn't smashing homers in the MLB yet, but he's well on his way.
The second overall pick in the 2013 MLB draft has all the physical attributes and tools of a next-level hitter, and Chicago Cubs fans are chomping at the bit to see what the tall third baseman can do for their franchise.
As if his skill set wasn't enough, Bryant is also a pretty boy who could pass for a Zac Efron body double—that is, if he were about 9 inches shorter.
Cole Hamels—Matt Cassel
I like to think of Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels as a cleaner-looking, more accurate Matt Cassel.
Dylan Bundy—John Cena
Another young star on the rise, 21-year-old pitcher Dylan Bundy could prove to be a huge difference-maker for the Baltimore Orioles once he recovers fully from Tommy John surgery.
More importantly, he looks like a younger John Cena. This trait cannot be overvalued.
Brad Penny—Larry the Cable Guy
Brad Penny hasn't had much success staying in one place over the course of his career.
The free-agent pitcher has played for eight different professional baseball teams and presumably moonlights as a Southern-fried comedian/Prilosec OTC spokesman between stints on the field.
Clay Buchholz—Brent Lillibridge
Finkle is Einhorn. Buchholz is Lillibridge.
From certain angles, Red Sox starting pitcher Clay Buchholz and White Sox utility man Brent Lillibridge are almost identical.
Fortunately, neither of them was involved in the death of Roger Podacter.
I don't know if Jayson Werth qualifies as a "tortured soul," but he certainly passes the eye test for former WWE wrestler Edge.
David Wright—Frankie Muniz
The cougars love them some David Wright, who appears to be the jacked version of actor Frankie Muniz.
Ryan Braun—Ben Feldman
Have some scotch and watch a few episodes of Mad Men.
After a couple tumblers of you'll start seeing Ryan Braun instead of Ben Feldman's character Michael Ginsberg. Fittingly enough, Braun would probably be right at home on the show.
He's great at taking tarnished brands and making them good as new.
Andrew McCutchen—2 Chainz
Are Andrew McCutchen and 2 Chainz related?
They look like identical brothers, albeit ones who were separated at birth and took wildly different paths to fortune and fame.
David Ortiz—Secret Service Agent
"The Papi Presidential Detail: Don't leave home without it."
These two don't look alike, but I can't be the only one who thought David Ortiz looked like a model secret service agent when he stood by President Obama earlier this week.
The Red Sox traveled to the White House for the traditional World Series visit and Big Papi—rocking Ray-Bans and a dark suit—looked fully prepared to handle any imminent threat that might come the president's way.
Jose Reyes—Reggie Bush
Shave down Jose Reyes' goatee, and you have a dead ringer for Detroit Lions running back Reggie Bush.
Shhh...just trust me.
Allen Craig—Colin Kaepernick
Imagine a beefier, lesser mobile Colin Kaepernick. Yep, that's Cardinals right fielder Allen Craig, who has the same Squidward-ish features as the 49ers quarterback.
Mike Scioscia—Rush Limbaugh
If Rush Limbaugh and Bobby Knight had a child (let's not worry about how), it would grow up to look like Los Angeles Angels manager Mike Scioscia.
I apologize for that visual.
Chris Davis—Biff Tannen
He bullies the juice out of baseballs.
Chris Davis is sort of like Biff Tannen of baseball, except the Orioles first baseman only picks on anything that enters the strike zone.
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