10 Jobs David Moyes Should Consider Outside of Management
With an established career behind him and millions in compensation sitting in the bank, David Moyes doesn't need to work again. He could just go and sit on a beach and remember the fun times—like when he sued Wayne Rooney.
Inevitably, the 51-year-old will take another job at a Premier League side in the summer. However, if he was to branch out on an alternate career path, here are some suggestions for some new jobs he would be good at.
United's recent 2-0 loss to Everton was just about the most lifeless and abject performance his side has put on this season.
Yes, it was even worse than that Olympiakos away game.
Despite being thoroughly dominated by the team he left behind last season, Moyes was surprisingly upbeat. "We played very well in the first half," he told ESPN.
If he is able to spin a dreadful outing like that with a straight face, a career as a political spin doctor surely awaits.
A venture capitalist assumes control of the finances of a wealthy party to reinvest and grow their fortune.
In purchasing Juan Mata and Marouane Fellaini, Moyes has shown that he wouldn't necessarily be a successful investor, but he certainly has the mettle required to take risks...and throw money up the wall.
Leader of the UK Independence Party
Moyes has shown he is very good at getting out of Europe, which makes him a shoe-in to succeed Nigel Farage as the leader of UKIP. (Boom! Boom!)
During the gradual process of alienating his entire dressing room, rumours spread that Moyes was called some pretty unpleasant names by his charges.
Some called him "F*** Off" (as it was the first thing they usually said in response to his instructions) while others called him "Everton" as a snarky way of highlighting his non-champion status.
Seeing as Lenny Henry's bumbling assistant in the seminal '90s culinary comedy Chef! was also named Everton, perhaps Moyes should seek out a career in the kitchen.
Or maybe he could be Henry's stooge in his next Premier Inn advert?
For the past 10 months, Moyes had pulled the exact same facial expression at all times: furrowed brows, pursed lips and a folorn stare from icy blue eyes that give a window to inner turmoil, terror and grumpy cat-style aloofness.
Being able to hold the same heartbreaking facial expression for so long surely gives him experience to become a life model for adult education life classes. He probably doesn't need the extra cash offered for going nude, mind.
Typically, a military dictator employs tactics and strategies that his underlings thoroughly disapprove of.
They are reluctantly tolerated by his followers, they are viewed with shock and disbelief by the outside world and celebrated when they are removed from power.
Sounds like Moyes knows the drill already.
A lollipop man encourages hundreds of crosses every day.
At United, Moyes encouraged plenty of crosses, too.
If he was standing in the middle of the road, they would actually have a purpose.
Hadron Collider Engineer
We were told by the folks in charge of the Hadron Collider that matter (Mata) would hold all the answers, but so far the results have been massively underwhelming.
This is certainly a plight David Moyes will be able to appreciate.
When Moyes first turned up at Old Trafford, he had a fairly slight build.
With the weight of 76,000 people on his back every other week, he should have bulked up enough to enter a strongman competition or two.
Guard at Buckingham Palace
A Buckingham Palace guard wears red and is paid not to smile, and is a front for a major money-making tourist attraction that has no real effect on the institution it represents.
Once again, Moyes has a bit of prior experience on the CV for this one.