Most Hilarious Sports Quotes Ever
Let's get this Friday evening cracking with some laughs.
After a long week of NFL draft speculation and Manziel madness, it's time to take a break from the ESPN bum rush and relax. Sports aren't always serious, and while Mel Kiper may spend the wee hours flipping big boards and grinding his molars to powder, this is all about entertainment.
It's supposed to be fun.
With that said, the following are some of the funniest quotes ever uttered in sports history.* Their originators range from masters of wit to surprise jokers who for once managed to pull brilliance out of their bottom.
Their similarity? They're all funny, and we'll all be stealing their material by the end of this.
*I geared this slider toward intentionally funny sports quotes, not Mike Tyson "Fade into Bolivian" style lines.
Randy Moss' Money
The Quote: "When you're rich, you don't write checks...straight cash, homey."
With 10 simple words, Randy Moss inspired an entire generation to open checking accounts with Wu-Tang Financial (NSFW language warning).
The Genius of Bob Green
The Quote: [After a close loss] "It's kinda like watching your mother-in-law go off a cliff in your brand new Cadillac. You got mixed feelings.”
Former Montana Tech football coach Bob Green said things old time sportswriters could only dream of coming up with themselves.
Metta World Peace: Too Sexy for House Cats
The Quote: "If I wasn't as sexy for my cat, I probably wouldn't have came back."
Utilizing the finest in Right Said Fred lyrics, Metta World Peace explained his speedy return to the court to eager members of the media.
George Best: A Wasteful Man
The Quote: "I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
"I spent 90 percent of my money on CrossFit and kale. The rest I Bitcoined." Said one of your awful coworkers, probably.
Sir Charles Has His Regrets
The Quote: [speaking to a judge on if he regretted throwing a man through a barroom window in 1997] "I regret we weren't on a higher floor."
Classic Chuck! [laughs] [quaffs beer] [secretly imagines the physical horror of being thrown through a high window].
Muhammad Ali: The Best Medicine
The Quote: "If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you."
If there were a trash talking pantheon of sports, it would feature an onyx statue of Muhammad Ali pointing a nasty loaf of old bread directly at you, the worthless beholder.
Tiger Woods: The White Pimp's Sport
The Quote: "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like pimps."
Tiger Woods landed this one firmly on the green, scarcely an inch from the hole.
Gordie Howe: Professional Profanity
The Quote: "All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity."
Unless they did an International Baccalaureate program in high school, in which case they picked up college credits in Latin and fart-bottling. You're not better than us, IB kids!
Bob Knight Wants You to Stop [Bleeping] Around and Join the Army
Warning: Video contains NSFW language.
The Quote: "You want to join the team? Well, I'll tell ya if you're good enough quit f-----g around and get your a-- into your marine recruiter right now. Tell the son of a b---h you want to be part of the team and god-----t do it right now!"
I could do an entire slideshow of mouthwatering Bob Knight quotes, but I figured I'd show you this Army commercial outtake. It's one of Knight's most underrated and least publicized rants.
The Quote: "I'll beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on."
Muhammad Ali paints with words.
The Quote: "I led the league in 'Go get 'em next time.'"
Bob Uecker is a five-tool comedian with lines to spare and one of the few ballplayers who's quick to tell you how bad he was back in the day.
Jacques Plante: The Worst Job in Sports
The Quote: "Suppose you were working at your job one day, and you made a little mistake. Then all of a sudden a red light went on over your desk, and fifteen thousand people stood up and yelled at you that you sucked?"
Goalkeeping in the NHL is only behind "national anthem singer" and "plutonium enricher" on the list of jobs you do not want to screw up.
Shannon the Self-Effacing
The Quote: "People say, ‘Since you got rich and famous, you’ve become insufferable.’ I say, ‘That’s not true. I’ve always been insufferable."
Shannon Sharpe knows he gets on people's nerves. He cherishes making you mad, and the best part is he admits he's a talented, big-mouthed lout. That's just how he rolls.
Jimmy Demaret on Golf and Fornication
The Quote: "Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them."
This is a great line, but I beg to differ with three-time Masters champion Jimmy Demaret.
I'm awful at golf. I would tee up my fairway shots if they let me. The last time I went out I splintered my driver teeing off and had to fish the head out of a water hazard. Then lightning rolled in and we had to leave and I hated everything.
Steve Spurrier: Can You Troll with All the Colors of the Wind?
The Quote: [on a fire at Auburn that burned 20 books] "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
Boom. Explosion. Pot roasted.
Steve Spurrier engages in the kind of vintage verbal beatdowns that leave no room for retort. This wasn't even fair.
Muhammad Ali and Ugly Joe Frazier
The Quote: "Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US bureau of Wild Life!"
I could subside on water, peanuts and Muhammad Ali trash talk alone for at least 90 days without getting bored.
Shannon Welcomes Limbaugh to the League
The Quote: [on ESPN bringing Rush Limbaugh in for pregame analysis] “I don’t know if Rush Limbaugh knows the difference between a screen porch and a screen play. We’ll see.”
For all the time he spent sculpting that body, Shannon Sharpe always doubled his efforts when it came to working his mouth. And sometimes it was beautiful.
Weldon Drew's Roofless Style
The Quote: "We have a bunch of great outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors."
If you've ever watched highly touted shooters go ice cold for 40 minutes of basketball, you know exactly what former New Mexico State basketball coach Weldon Drew meant when he dropped these lines.
Tito Fuentes: All My Supposed Children
The Quote: "They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the father of five or six kids."
I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt on this one, Tito.
A Bit of Blunt Barkley Wisdom
The Quote: "These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it."
In a day and age where every commercial is slathered in overpriced headphone and Gatorade-fire, hearing Charles Barkley tell the truth about sports advertising is spring water on the face.
You and pro athletes are not alike. Purchasing this product will not narrow that gap in the least. Just buy it and go run the floor at LA Fitness. Thanks.
On the Twitters.