For the Win: The Coolest Stuff of the Week
You already know what time it is.
We've lived to see another Friday, meaning it's time to pop the roof on the TransAm, pump some Loverboy and generally make yourself obvious. But before you go rolling down Main Street in your cutoff jeans, let's take a look back at the best sports stuff of the week.
This week, Game of Zones, Harbaugh shenanigans and elephant death-soccer are winning the sports world.
Let's tie one on.
Tim Duncan's Dress Shirt and Jeans
Only two people in this world have ever gotten away with tucking a shirt into acid wash jeans, and one of them is no longer with us.
That leaves Tim Duncan, NBA legend and American sex icon, as the only living heir to the tucked-in throne.
Duncan reminded the world how a real man dresses Thursday night, donning a slinky, form-fitting dress shirt and savaged acid wash jeans. You could grill a skirt steak on that hot heat.
Padres Go Slip and Sliding
The last time I slip 'n slid (slided?), it was down a tarped hallway at a fraternity house.
I was six pulls deep and feeling Leonardo-DiCaprio-at-the-front-of-the-boat good, and the sad part is, I'm certain I had less fun than Yasmani Grandal and Everth Cabrera did Tuesday.
The two San Diego Padres took advantage of a lengthy rain delay in Philadelphia and decided to go slip-sliding down the tarp at Citizens Bank Park. Not even the biggest jerk in Philly could look upon these drenched men and fault them at that moment.
Jordy Nelson Pitches Grapefruit During Softball Game
In a world starving for the lack of grapefruit-centric tomfoolery, Jordy Nelson is our hero.
The Green Bay Packers wideout planned and executed the perfect fruit prank, throwing teammate Sam Barrington a big, citrusy eephus pitch to kick off a recent charity softball game. Nelson baited the linebacker with a juicy $5,000 bet, saying he'd pay out if Barrington knocked the first pitch out of the park.
Well, Barrington didn't go yard, but he did get an eyeful of grapefruit juice, which is like the opposite of victory.
Minor Leaguer Gets Ejected, Takes a Lap Around the Bases
When was the last Halley's Comet?
I ask because that's around the last time Quintin Berry gave a damn. The former big leaguer changed the ejection game this week when he took a trip around the bases after being tossed from a game.
It's unclear exactly how the ejection happened, but it appears Berry thought the first baseman impeded his path and kept him from rounding first for a double (that he never would've made). It appears Berry complained about it to the first base umpire, who booted him from the game.
Berry obliged, leaving the field after a full lap around the bases that ended in a middle finger of a slide at home plate. I only pray Yasiel Puig sees this and takes notes.
Jim Harbaugh's Wife Advocates for the End of Dad Pants
"My handsome, vibrant, successful football coach of a husband suddenly looked like he'd hung the curtains from his belt."
Well put, Sarah Harbaugh.
Now, let's get to work on high-waisted jean shorts. Thousands of young American women are living with diaper-bottom thanks to these curve-swallowing, cutoff mom jeans.
Game of Zones: Episode 2
They say the sequel never lives up to the original, but Craig Malamut, the artist we commissioned to put together Game of Zones, came up big with the second episode of the series.
Between Carmelo Anthony's face, DeMarcus Cousins' smooch and Lance Stephenson blowing on a shoe, you can't ask for a lot more.
I'm just going to leave this here.
John Harbaugh Strolls Up to Proposal
Oh nothing, just an NFL head coach walking up to a couple who's in the process of getting engaged and hugging it out.
John Harbaugh just happened to be leaving the Baltimore Ravens' facilities earlier this week when he stumbled on two huge fans in the midst of a proposal. The meeting was completely random, but fortunately, a friend had a smart phone camera rolling to capture the moment.
Harbaugh hugged it out with the bride- and groom-to-be, sealing the deal on an awesome surprise for all parties involved.
Also, only a monster takes vertical video of a friend's engagement.
Children Play Death-Defying Soccer Against Elephants
Sometimes something is such a bad, terrible, irresponsible idea that it breaks through the other side of awfulness and becomes a win.
That is the only way to assess the very real and very dangerous soccer match that occurred between young boys and elephants in Thailand earlier this week.
Fortunately, no children were injured in this very Lord of the Flies World Cup tribute, and the kids—heroes one and all—actually managed to score against the elephants, who tired of rampaging the field and just piled in front of goal.
And the Winner Is...
This kid wins.
He ran among a bunch of damn elephants and lived to tell about it. What did you do this week?
On the Twitters.