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25 Jobs Jose Canseco Thinks He Can Do

Amber LeeSports Lists Lead WriterJune 16, 2014

25 Jobs Jose Canseco Thinks He Can Do

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    Christian Petersen/Getty Images

    In case you haven’t already heard, proudly juiced-up, retired slugger Jose Canseco is a pretty interesting follow on the Twitter. No filter, no sense and absolutely no self-awareness is a tried-and-true recipe for accidental comedy. 

    Canseco’s spelling and grammar mistakes, one-sided celebrity feuds and compulsion to smack down “haters” are all worth tuning in for. But the single greatest reason to follow this guy on Twitter is to follow his unending search for regular employment. 

    Whether Canseco’s job search is money-driven or just due to boredom, he has been casting a pretty wide—and very public—net. So what does he think he’s most suited for? Um…how about everything. Seriously, you name it and Jose Canseco thinks Jose Canseco would be amazing at it. 

    Here are 25 jobs Jose Canseco thinks Jose Canseco can do. 

Mets Hitting Coach

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    AP Photo/Jessica Hill

    @JoseCanseco: I should be the mets hitting coach 

    Time/Date: 4:03 AM - 27 May 2014

    Considering the trajectory of the Mets over the last decade, Jose Canseco seems like a pretty good fit in New York. Perhaps there’s something to this one. Brace yourselves, thoughit only gets crazier from here. 

Reality Television Creator/Star/Producer

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    AP Photo/Branimir Kvartuc

    @JoseCanseco: I need an investor with 100k to partner up with me.i want to do a reality show called twitter wars.people from twitter will live with me
    Time/Date: 9:42 PM - 17 Jun 2013
    @JoseCanseco: My life is a reality show. Today would’ve been a very funny weird episode. Another day in the life of Jose Canseco. 
    Time/Date: 6:26 PM - 15 Mar 2014

    I’m not going to lie—if there was a show about Jose Canseco living with a bunch of strangers who troll him on Twitter, I would absolutely watch it. Although, I suspect the everyday happenings of his life are far less entertaining than he imagines. 

Kentucky Derby Horse

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    AP Photo/Gerald Herbert

    @JoseCanseco: At my fastest I could easily beat any horse around the bases 
    @JoseCanseco: I would lead out of the gates but they would beat me in the derby because of the distance 
    @JoseCanseco: My kentucky Derby time is estimated at about 3:45.5 #cansecochrome 

    Time/Date: 2:33 PM - 3 May 2014

    Maybe you think Canseco is just joking around about competing with race horses, but be assured he is quite serious. These three were part of a larger series of tweets in which he lays out his chances against a horse in various scenarios. 

Politician

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    AP Photo/Itsuo Inouye

    @JoseCanseco: I was thinking about governor of Nevada but I do like Brian @govsandoval 
    @JoseCanseco: I won’t do any worse than the morons in congress now and will raise the average IQ of the town. #beltwayjose
    @JoseCanseco: Send me to D.C. Nevada #yeswecanseco 

    Time/Date: 12:49 PM - 29 Dec 2013

    Hmm. Would Jose Canseco raise the average IQ in DC, the fourth-smartest city in the United States? No. Could he actually do just as good/terrible a job as most of the "morons" in Congress? Definitely, maybe. 

Award Show Host

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    AP Photo/Steve Yeater

    @JoseCanseco: Yes i will be glad to host the ESPYs.  dm me. @espn

    Time/Date: 6:09 PM - 25 Apr 2014

    Unfortunately, ESPN decided to go another direction with Drake this year, but it’s comforting to know they’ve got such an inexperienced loose cannon waiting in the wings should Drake get injured in some sort of #YOLO-related accident. 

Tony La Russa’s Personal Assistant

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    AP Photo/Susan Walsh

    @JoseCanseco: Congrats buddy @TonyLaRussa on your new position with Diamondbacks.  Let me know if I can help in any way. 

    Time/Date: 1:12 PM - 18 May 2014

    Something tells me Jose Canseco would be the most menacing personal assistant in the history of the world. 

Mentor to Children And/or Wizard

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    AP Photo/Branimir Kvartuc

    @JoseCanseco: Dammm i should be a. mentor. A type of all knowing wizard. after all i have done it all

    Time/Date: 2:20 AM - 30 Apr 2014

    Truly every parent’s dream, am I right?

Documentary Filmmaker

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    AP Photo/Joseph Kaczmarek

    @JoseCanseco: I have a documentary on our goat adventure @ModelLeila . Ode to me goats I’ll release it if anyone wants to see

    Time/Date: 9:40 AM - 29 May 2014

    I haven’t seen the documentary, but I’m guessing it has a pretty sad ending since Canseco recently revealed his homeowner’s association made him get rid of the goats. I’m also guessing that it’s not so much a documentary but rather a series of blurry home videos and absolutely nothing else. 

Radio Show Host

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    AP Photo/Susan Walsh

    @JoseCanseco: And hire to do a radio show for them. Lets make it happen.  Here I come @robdibble49 lol 

    Time/Date: 5:01 PM - 5 Sep 2013

    Frankly, this is the best of all Canseco’s half-baked career ideas. He couldn’t do it all on his own, but he’s crazy and entertaining enough to play second banana—the Golic to someone’s Greeny. 

Boxer/Fighter of Shaquille O'Neal

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    AP Photo/Luis M. Alvarez

    @JoseCanseco: I will fight you @dwighthoward I need a warmup for that p***y @shaq
    Time/Date: 6:41 PM - 10 Nov 2013
    @JoseCanseco: I’m ready for a fight who wants to try me
    @JoseCanseco: In the ring
    Time/Date: 4:36 AM - 11 Dec 2013
    @JoseCanseco: You say you’ll fight me anywhere @shaq ? Let’s  meet at the free throw line Big P***y 
    @JoseCanseco: I’ll just wear a Charles barkley mask @shaq and you’ll flop like a boneless chicken 
    @JoseCanseco: U back out on this one @shaq and you tie the French army in running to the rear 
    Time/Date: 11:26 PM - 16 May 2014

    Jose Canseco is awfully convinced of his own boxing prowess, which is pretty interesting for a guy that once sent his twin brother, Ozzie, to box in his place. Hopefully he checks with Ozzie before committing him to a fight with Shaquille O’Neal. 

Late Night Sidekick

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    AP Photo/Branimir Kvartuc

    @JoseCanseco: Congrats @StephenAtHome  I’m available if u need a side kick. I can be a good Ed McMahon. 

    Time/Date: 1:53 AM - 11 Apr 2014

    A sidekick in this sort of venue has to be friendly, likable, and always willing to cede the spotlight to the host. Perhaps on his very best days, Jose Canseco is friendly and likable, but there hasn’t been a day in his adult life in which he’s been comfortable or willing to cede the spotlight.

Co-Host of the View

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    AP Photo/Mary Altaffer)

    @JoseCanseco: I would like to fill the Opening on the View @theviewtv

    Time/Date:2:51 PM - 13 May 2013

    Besides The View being an all-woman talk show, Canseco could definitely hang with intellectual heavyweights like Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd. In fact, he’d probably fit in perfectly. 

Baseball Player

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    AP Photo

    @JoseCanseco: Getting in shape to play again in 2014. Can’t leave this game. As long as I can breath and walk. I’m a baseball player. 

    Time/Date: 12:06 AM - 3 Nov 2013

    At least he has experience with this one. That being said, making a career as a baseball player is a ship that has sailed for Canseco. Time to move on. 

Editor/Ghostwriter

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    AP Photo/Shizuo Kambayashi

    @JoseCanseco: Need some help with your book b*tcht*t @arod

    Time/Date: 6:41 PM - 17 Dec 2013

    That’s quite an offer he laid on Alex Rodriguez. A brief glance at his Twitter page proves Canseco’s grasp on the English language is questionable at best, and he propositioned A-Rod by calling him “b---h t-t.” Talk about making him an offer he can refuse. 

Golden State Warriors Head Coach

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    Getty Images

    @JoseCanseco: Hey Joe Lakob @warriors hire me I promise not to win  any where near 50 games. #splashbrother 

    Time/Date: 6:10 PM - 7 May 2014

    Although Jose Canseco knows nothing about basketball or coaching a professional basketball team, at least he kept it real with expectations. If that’s what the Warriors are looking for, they should also consider hiring me. 

Reporter for Bloomberg News

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    Getty Images

    @JoseCanseco: Be glad to join your team at Bloomberg and help you dig deep and expose more.  I know what to do.  hug for u. 

    Time/Date: 6:07 PM - 5 May 2014

    Being an investigative reporter requires actual reporting experience, patience, people skills, critical thinking and a solid grasp on the English language. Sadly, Jose Canseco does not possess any of those things. hug 4 him. 

White House Press Secretary

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    AP Photo/Itsuo Inouye

    @JoseCanseco: I am available to replace Jay Carney @barackobama #yeswecanseco
    @JoseCanseco: I have trained turtles, goats, and dogs I can train the media @barackobama #yeswecanseco

    Time/Date: 4:24 PM - 30 May 2014

    I can’t say that I’ve ever seen a public job posting for White House press secretary, but I feel fairly confident that animal training (real or imagined) isn’t listed anywhere as a desired qualification for the position. #nowecantseco

United States Ambassador to Russia

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    AP Photo/Susan Walsh

    @JoseCanseco: Or we could talk about Russia ambassador opening if that’s a better fit @barackobama #yeswecanseco

    Time/Date: 4:26 PM - 30 May 2014

    Oh yes, great idea! Ambassador to Russia Jose Canseco would certainly improve our icy relations with Vladimir Putin. They could hang out shirtless together and hit things with bats. 

Trainer of Turtles, Goats, and Dogs

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    AP Photo/Wilfredo Lee

    @JoseCanseco: I have trained turtles, goats, and dogs I can train the media @barackobama #yeswecanseco

    Time/Date: 4:24 PM - 30 May 2014

    So, maybe (and by maybe, I mean definitely) Jose Canseco isn’t qualified to be White House press secretary or the ambassador to Russia, but maybe, just maybe, he’s qualified to train your turtle. Seriously though, can turtles be trained to do anything?

Literally Any Job at MLB

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    AP Photo/Jack Smith

    @JoseCanseco: When am I going to get a Mlb job.I could be a good manager.oh shit I forgot I told the truth so I will never get a gob with mlb

    Time/Date: 1:02 AM - 8 Nov 2013

    Well, maybe not any job at MLB. This is, of course, Jose Canseco we’re talking about. Perhaps we could find something befitting his extensive post-retirement experience...

Detroit Tigers Manager And/or Pitching Coach

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    AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill

    @JoseCanseco: Hello Detroit @tigers it is Cansecotime! #motorcityseco #Cantiger
    @JoseCanseco: Hey @tigers our pitching is great I can really help our hitters #cantiger
    @JoseCanseco: Hey Dave @tigers if you can sign beltran and balfour I will win it all #cantiger 
    @JoseCanseco: Hey Dave @tigers Ricky as my bench coach and Dibble as my pitching coach. I’ll do the hitting.   I’m bringing maline back. #cantiger 
    @JoseCanseco: Hey Dave @tigers do we even have a strength and conditioning staff.  We got a lot of santa clauses in the lineup. #cantiger 
    @JoseCanseco: Hey Dave @tigers dm me buddy. #cantiger

    Time/Date: 3:25 PM - 21 Oct 2013

    Because insulting the team by calling them fat is always the best way to land a job. Jose needs to work on his unsolicited public interview skills. Then again...why be a manager when you can be...by George, I think he's got it...

MLB Commissioner

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    Getty Images

    @JoseCanseco: I saw Bud Selig on tv and threw up In my mouth . 
    @JoseCanseco: I should be the commissioner of baseball . 

    Time/Date: 1:33 AM - 21 Oct 2013

    Well, suppose the committee chosen to find a replacement for Bud Selig can call it a day. Jose Canseco has already done their job for them—and better than they ever could’ve. As usual. 

Batman

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    AP Photo/Gerald Herbert

    @JoseCanseco: Ben Affleck is no batman maybe robin or commissioner gordon. Shoulda picked one who did not need fake muscle suit buddy @zachsnyder #batseco

    Time/Date: 3:12 PM - 13 May 2014

    At first glance it looks like Jose Canseco is offering up a critique on the decision to cast Ben Affleck as Batman. Which he kinda, sorta is. But he’s only doing it to make his case that he, Jose Canseco, should’ve been cast instead. 

University of Texas Football Coach

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    Getty Images

    @JoseCanseco: Hey Steve @stevepatterson you need a huge name for huge job buddy.  I know football even better than baseball. 
    @JoseCanseco: Hey Steve @stevepatterson Here is my plan to fix Texas football. 
    @JoseCanseco: First the lines are weak.  It is our foundation and must be stronger. I know what to do. #Cansecohorns 
    @JoseCanseco: Second what conference are we even in now?  Just join the SEC already #Cansecohorns 
    @JoseCanseco: Third why have we had all these 5’9 QBs with weak arms?  Go get another Vince Young #Cansecohorns 
    @JoseCanseco: Fourth hire the Baylor recruiting coach he is killing us.  #Cansecohorns 

    Time/Date: 12:51 PM - 15 Dec 2013

    Can you believe they hired Charlie Strong after Jose Canseco presented such a solid case for himself? The Longhorns have been struggling all this time, and all they needed to do was get another Vince Young (no problem!) and join the SEC (no problem!). 

Godzilla

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    Getty Images

    @JoseCanseco: Why can’t I just be Godzilla for a day  . He’s awesome . 

    Time/Date: 3:30 AM - 20 Oct 2013

    To be fair, Canseco doesn’t necessarily say that he thinks he should or could be Godzilla, a fictional dragon monster that’s fond of terrorizing the Japanese. He just wants to be Godzilla—and he’s got a better shot at that than White House press secretary and almost everything else on this list. 

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