In the summer of 2013, after staging his eighth consecutive unretirement bid, the man once famous for Wrangler jeans, being Cameron Diaz's onscreen love interest, and leaving his tractor home in Mississippi, decided to do what no average tailgating Joe would ever suspect this media love legend capable.
He'd held many press conferences in the past where he'd sobbed, discussed his grief and anxiety, muffled his words, and uttered bold-faced lies to the members of the press.
They had alternately argued he'd chosen his path out of compulsion because he had a gunslinger's mentality or because he was the most passionate player to ever play the game. Because they loved him, his media flunkies devoted countless hours of television time, internet websites, blogs, and articles to the man without a plan.
But this time, things were different. There was no surgery too arduous, no family crisis too heavy, no interception record left in the human reach of a future interloper. Looking down at the members of the press from atop his beloved tractor, he uttered, "You guys have heard me up here before, but this time, I'm going to approach next season differently."
An ESPN news “journalist” interrupted him to the dismay of his many media fan whores asking, “Brett, what? No, you can’t leave us again! Each offseason is positively dreadful for me because of the prospect that you are going to leave the league. I want to put you in the Hall of Fame, but not just yet. It’s not your time. Why? [incoherent ramblings]”
Brett suppressed a sob before saying, “I know. That’s why, this time, I’m deeply saddened and hurt to say that I’m finally giving up my tractor. It’s over. No one understands the position of forever quarterback like I do."
"I’m permanently unretiring from unretirement. In fact, my new squad, the Oakland Raiders, have renamed my position the Favrerback so that I can establish new unbreakable records for aspiring young Favreians. Even Romo and Cutler couldn’t touch my distinguished interception record, so I’m ready to break it myself as a Favrerback."
"I’ll miss my tractor, but my home is on the field under a center young enough to be my grandson—that’s all I can stand to say.”
Members of the press applauded, looked bewildered, and sobbed because Favre was sobbing. It would have been a happy day if it weren’t so sad.
Like many other Gen Xers who grew up with Favre’s offseason tractor I, too, will miss the anticipation of these days, these press conferences, and most of all, Favre’s Mississippi tractor.
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