For the Win: The Coolest Stuff of the Week
"U-S-A! U-S-A! [smacks "Take a Penny" tray onto floor] Take that, commie coins!"
Oh, sorry. I'm still reveling in American futbol excellence, which, for the moment, is second to none in my delusional, glory-drunk mind.
This was a hell of a week for American futbol and sports in general. The Heat lost, a lineman danced, and it practically rained goals in Brazil. We can all crack a brew for at least one of those occurrences.
With that said, it's time for my look back at the best of the last seven days. This week, Gregg Popovich, Mexico's goalkeeper and 'Merica are winning sports.
Let's do this thing.
Gregg Popovich Counts the Rings
Short of grabbing the mic and yelling "Five championships! Is that good? Did I break it?" Gregg Popovich couldn't have gone about commemorating his fifth NBA championship in much grander style.
The Spurs head coach allowed himself a rare moment of fun on Wednesday, counting out his five Larry O'Brien trophies as his parade float passed through downtown San Antonio. As he's proved before, past all the crusty, crater-y layers of his tough exterior, there is a warm soul living in Pop's core.
Robin van Persie's Grandfather Is #Persieing
Ninety-nine percent of the time, this is the last position you want to find your grandfather assuming.
With that said, Robin van Persie's grandfather is not suffering from advanced stages of rigor mortis—he's just #Persieing. Like so many other Netherlands fans, the 93-year-old man started mimicking the Netherlands captain's tummy slide following his lunging header against Spain in the World Cup group stage.
It's essentially just planking for soccer fans.
Guillermo Ochoa Saves Mexico with Flying Wonder-Save
There aren't powerful enough descriptors to properly describe Guillermo Ochoa's heroics during Mexico's group-stage match against Brazil on Tuesday.
Brazilian wunderkind Neymar made use of a beautiful cross, putting dome to ball and sending a well-paced header toward the inside of the left post. It was an unstoppable ball, and Ochoa stopped it.
The Mexico keeper leaped into full extension and deflected the ball before it could pass the line, confirming my belief that he has entered into a blood pact with Cthulhu. He is no longer human.
John Brooks Scores Late Header to Beat Ghana
It was the great Ty Webb who once said, "Relax, find your center, picture the shot...be the ball."
John Brooks was the ball on Monday night, helping lift the U.S. men's national team to victory with a spectacular header against Ghana in the group stage. The goal instantly elevated Brooks to Davy Crockett status among U.S. soccer fans, who have since lovingly nicknamed the rookie "Johnny Futbol."
The weirdest part is Brooks actually pictured the shot in his head. He claimed after the game that he had dreamt he would help the USMNT win a World Cup game with a header in the 88th minute.
"I told some teammates that I dreamed that I scored in the 88th minute and we won the game," Brooks told reporters. "And now it was the 86th minute and we won."
As Stephen Colbert said of Brooks, "He had a dream. He's the Martin Luther King of soccer."
Portland Reporter Reveals USA Jersey After John Brooks' Goal
Drew Carney went to work on Monday expecting a little fun. What he did not bank on, however, was becoming an American hero.
The KGW reporter was in the middle of capturing the atmosphere at a Portland-area World Cup watch party when U.S. defender John Brooks popped in his now-legendary header against Ghana. The crowd went bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S), and Carney righteously seized the moment.
Calmly unzipping his news parka, the reporter revealed a "USA"-themed cycling jersey and proceeded to pump his fists with the crowd. If there were a Pulitzer for "Excellence in Covering Cotdamn 'Merica," they would award it to Carney every year—just for this.
Johnny Manziel Can't Hear You over His Money
(Warning: Video above contains NSFW language.)
There are so many things you can call Johnny Manziel, but the problem is he can't hear you—not over all this paper.
The Cleveland Browns rookie quarterback headed to Houston this past weekend to participate in Drake's "Houston Appreciation Weekend." Predictably, his time in H-Town included beautiful women, posing with celebrities and stacks of money.
Now, if you're feeling discomfort welling up in your gut as you watch this video—that's sodium. It's a byproduct of saltiness, and you should probably take a Tums.
L.A. Kiss Player Lights Up the Dance Cam
Call the game off. A big ugly just lit the arena on fire.
L.A. Kiss lineman Cameron Stephenson demolished everything mankind knew about physics this week when he decided to stay on the field for a crowd "Dance Cam" segment.
The 6'4", 325-pound offensive lineman out of Rutgers pulled off moves that defy laws of mass and force. He did a split, for God's sake. I felt my groin shred into sashimi just watching it.
With that said, it's no small wonder why the Kiss roster currently has the 31-year-old on its injured list.
Summer League Team Smashes Printers for 'Office Space Night'
What does "PC load letter" mean? It means "sunder my worthless, plastic casing with a Louisville Slugger."
That's how they do it in Office Space, and it's exactly how a collegiate summer league team went about commemorating the film earlier this week in Madison, Wisconsin.
The Madison Mallards hosted an "Office Space Night," encouraging fans to come out on the field and crush some old, nonfunctioning printers with baseball bats. Richard Riehle, the actor who played "Tom Smykowski" in the film was on hand for the event and kicked things off with a few solid whacks.
My only knock here is that they weren't blasting Geto Boys' "Still" during the beatdown. Then again, that could've easily led to a full-scale riot.
And the Winner Is...
I was tempted to call it a tie between Brooks and Carney the patriot-reporter, but I can't take the coward's way out.
There's nothing less American than a tie, and doing so would tarnish both their respective performances. Congrats, Brooks, on turning Americans into believers for the next week or two. And bless you, Carney, for having the gumption to pull off a patriotic striptease on live television. U-S-A! U-S-A!
[Puts on American flag bandana] [Runs to pub]
On the Twitters.