Foreword: The following is a complete mock interview based primarily on characters and events from the film ‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective’. Any personal connection to the events probably means you’re delusional and in need of mental counseling right away.
I was recently granted permission to visit Shady Acres Mental Hospital in Tampa, FL where I orchestrated the first interview in about fifteen years with former Miami Dolphins kicker and Super Bowl XIX goat, Ray Finkle, who now goes under the name Lois Einhorn.
Einhorn, still as Finkle, was a mid-season replacement for the American football team during the 1984 season.
She enjoyed minor success as a generally accurate placekicker until missing the potential Super Bowl-winning field goal with less than two minutes to play against San Francisco.
To this day Einhorn still credits starting quarterback Dan Marino with improperly setting the ball as the placeholder for her most notorious attempt, sometimes dubbed “the kick heard ‘round the world”.
Finkle’s contract was dropped by Miami after the ’85 Super Bowl and no other team wanted to offer another, fearing her confidence was permanently shattered.
Finkle then moved back with her folks in Collier County, where she sunk into a deep depression while cultivating all her discontent toward Marino.
Shortly, Finkle underwent plastic surgery to transform into Einhorn, a moniker inspired by a recently deceased hiker, but she failed to part ways with the “big ole’ Mr. Kannish”, in what proved to be a decision she’d later regret.
Einhorn legally changed her name and upon hearing that the Dolphins were awarded the 1994-’95 season Super Bowl, pursued a position as a police officer in Miami. She would become a Lieutenant in just a few short years on the job, with her grand motive being to frame Dan Marino, still with the team, for a crime.
Einhorn staged a kidnapping of Snowflake, the team mascot and prime Super Bowl halftime entertainer. She tried setting-up Marino by hiring henchmen to kidnap him during filming of an Isotoners Glove commercial, and pitting him at the scene.
However, Einhorn was foiled by Ace Ventura, a pet detective hired by the team to find their dolphin.
Ventura had suspected Einhorn’s plot, and used her “hemroids” as proof in the pudding, so to speak.
Einhorn was convicted and sent back to Shady Acres, where s/he was polite enough to grant me this interview. Here are the highlights…
So, tell me, Mrs. Einhorn, do you still blame Dan Marino for the fallout of your NFL career?
Absolutely. The laces were out. Next question.
Okay. Are you comfortable here in Shady Acres? Is it true that the men in the white gloves are surprisingly gentle?
I wasn’t comfortable, but then they shipped another former football player down here.
Her name is Kathy, but you might know her more as Scott Norwood.
I see. You guys aren’t hiding Bill Buckner down here, are you!?
Okay, moving on.
Are you allowed to be escorted from Shady Acres every now and then to take a trip back home and see the old town?
Yes. My parents come and get me once every other month.
Once every other month! That’s not too bad. Hey did they ever find who crossed out the ‘F’ in Finkle on that billboard memoriam by your house, and replaced it with a ‘T’?
No, but like with everything else, I blame Marino.
I see. Hey, if I asked for an autograph, would I get it in ‘Finkle’, or ‘Einhorn’, because one might be worth something, and the other probably nothing?
It’s a moot point. You’re not getting an autograph.
Fair enough. Do you still have your AFC Championship ring with the one missing ruby?
No. It was stolen by Ace Ventura after I fell in the tank I kept Snowflake in.
Ouch. Tough break.
What are you going to do to Ventura if you ever see him again?
If I ever see him again? … I’m going to snap that ducktail off his haircut and jam it in his Hawaiian shirt pocket!
Well, all righty then, that little birdie chirping means it’s time for me to wrap things up.
Thank you for your time, Mrs. Einhorn. I hope you get your ring back someday!
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