The Best Sports Fails of the Year So Far
One man's pain is another man's pleasure.
While people typically tune in to watch sports to see victories, championships and incredible performances and accomplishments, sometimes it can be even more entertaining to watch people fall flat on their faces—both literally and figuratively.
Indeed, there is a deep and profound happiness that one begins to feel while witnessing what we have come to call the sports "fail."
A fail is not a tough loss in a championship game. A fail is not a missed shot or a dropped pass.
No, a fail is much bigger than that. And a fail is much funnier than that.
A man who jumps on a treadmill, loses his balance and goes flying across the room. A famous rapper who throws out the first pitch and can't come within a mile of home plate. A professional baseball player trotting into the outfield in the wrong uniform.
This isn't just a list of everything that has gone wrong in sports this year, this is a collection of specific moments, tiny gems in which teams, players, mascots and fans alike have failed majestically, inadvertently turning in the show of a lifetime.
Cow Mascot Falls
At the 2014 European Athletics Championships, the mascots were expected to be just as skilled as the athletes.
For the most part, Cooly the Cow lived up to the hype, dazzling crowds with his hurdling skills and proving that cows are people too.
Maybe he got too cocky. Maybe the pressure was overwhelming. Maybe Cooly's earlier acrobatics had simply been a fluke.
Whatever it was, Cooly didn't show the same impressive skills later on at the event when he attempted a nice little tightrope act to show off to some fans.
Well, balance is hard and gravity sucks, which Cooly learned the hard way, thus in one split second ending the possibility of any Cooly babies coming around in the future.
There's an old hyperbole that people often use to describe someone with absolutely no accuracy: "He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!"
This is, of course, a hyperbole. Anybody could hit the broad side of a barn. The broad side of a barn is huge. If you can lift a baseball, you can hit it on 10 tries out of 10.
That is, until 50 Cent came along and showed us that the impossible was possible, turning hyperbole into reality with a single flick of the wrist.
Mr. Cent infamously tossed the worst ceremonial first pitch of all time earlier this season, and though I'm no physicist, I estimate that he was a good two or three barns away from the strike zone.
Yasiel Puig Whiffs at Derby
At the rate Yasiel Puig was hitting balls out of the park at the Home Run Derby, one might suspect that 50 Cent was in fact throwing pitches, thus limiting Puig's ability to make contact.
But, alas, this was no fault of the pitcher. This was Yasiel Puig simply failing miserably at an event that is designed for the sole purpose of the hitter succeeding over and over again.
Just for quick reference, here's a quick but incomplete list of a few notable names that finished the day with the same number of home runs as Yasiel Puig:
- Home Run Derby host Chris Berman
- Aloe Blacc, opening performer
- Commissioner Bud Selig
- Los Angeles Dodgers manager Don Mattingly
- Matt Haupert, author of this article
Man, it feels good to be in such elite company.
Embiid Swings and Misses with Kim Kardashian
You'd think dating would get pretty easy once you were rich, talented and famous.
Joel Embiid is a future star, a future millionaire and the third pick in the latest NBA draft. And yet, every shot he takes at taking a nice girl out on a romantic date ends up being a big flop.
Why does Embiid fail so hard?
Well, part of the reason may be that he's targeting a married mother with far more fame and prestige than he has. Maybe the other part of the reason is that he asked her on Twitter. And maybe the last part is that the date was going to take place in his Twitter inbox.
Hey I want you to come slide in my DMs @KimKardashian— Joel-Hans Embiid (@JoelEmbiid) July 16, 2014
Oh I didn't know you were married sorry @KimKardashian just saw it from the fan's tweet... have a nice day— Joel-Hans Embiid (@JoelEmbiid) July 16, 2014
Shoot for the moon, Joel. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.
Background Man Falls on Treadmill
That's right. This interview stops for nothing. I don't care how many people are thrown into the air, spun around and dropped on their heads by that disturbingly malicious treadmill in the corner.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
World Cup 'Fans' Confuse Players with Nic Cage Movies
America: The only place in the world where Nicholas Cage movies are significantly more popular than soccer players.
Or perhaps in America, we don't really know enough about either one.
During this year's World Cup, one clever man and a film crew decided to test out American fans' knowledge of the international players in the tournament, giving them the most difficult-to-pronounce player names, names that were really just bizarre alternate spellings of Nic Cage movies.
And these poor fans failed in every way. They failed at recognizing that the names were fake. They failed at pronouncing them accurately. And most depressingly, they failed to realize at any point what they were really saying, even after everyone nailed the name inspired by National Treasure.
Sir Cage is always finding ways to creep into our lives, whether we recognize it or not.
Junior Lake Wears Wrong Uniform
The Chicago Cubs are bad at a lot of things. They can't hit. They can't pitch. They can't run. They can't manage. But other than these four minor deficiencies, there's really nothing else that ever goes wrong in a Cubs game. So at least that's a silver lining, right?
Is this the most Cubs thing of all time? pic.twitter.com/BqgttkAReF— The Chicago Homer (@TheChicagoHomer) April 3, 2014
Oh well, I heard there are a few superstars in the farm system who wear the correct uniform every inning of every game.
Man, the future is so bright.
Dallas PD Tweets Incorrect Arrest
#BreakingCorrection is not a hashtag you ever want to have to use.
#BreakingCorrection is a shortform way of saying #OhCropWeMadeAnEnormousErrorAndItsTooLateToEverFullyRecover.
Earlier this summer, the Dallas Police Department had to use #BreakingCorrection after incorrectly tweeting that the Denver Broncos' Aqib Talib had been arrested.
Haha, gotcha! Turns out it wasn't Aqib Talib, but his brother, Yaqub Talib.
Bummer, Dallas PD! You guys were so close to having a cool famous arrest!
You'll get 'em next time, boys.
Cliff Lee Passes Gas
Even as I type, I slowly begin to realize that the sacred Press Conference Fart (PCF) is not a fail at all. No, not by any stretch of the imagination.
The PCF is a unique achievement, an act of courage and heroism. The PCF is more valuable than the MVP, rarer than the World Series ring. A man does not just release a PCF—he is defined by it.
Then why do I choose to include Cliff Lee on the list of best fails of the 2014 sports season after he released this magnificent Press Conference Fart?
OK, come on, guys. Let's be real—that fart was disgusting.
Florida State should know better than to launch a Q&A over Twitter between fans and a quarterback who is as well-known for his alleged scandals as he is for his quarterbacking prowess.
Jameis Winston: champion by day, crab thief by night.
This ended up becoming the most asked-about topic on Twitter that night, as fans flocked from near and far to find out more about Winston's relationship with a food that he loved so much he wouldn't even pay for it. Over 5,000 of the over 27,000 tweets discussed crab
You've got to hand it to those FSU fans, though. For all the curiosity surrounding crab, they could have asked questions about something so much worse.
Think I'm a genius? An idiot? Let me know on Twitter.