In light of the record number of suspensions handed out by the National Football League’s Commissioner’s office this offseason, Roger Goodell has announced that the NFL will begin randomly suspending its players in an effort to save time.
“The Office of the Commissioner of the NFL,” said Goodell while reading from a statement, “cannot be expected to stop the important work of extorting NFL communities, overseeing the sales of overpriced merchandise, and rehashing tired programming for early-hour broadcasts of the NFL Network every time a player kills a dog or shoots himself.”
“Furthermore,” Goodell went on, “our internal studies have shown that 98% of all NFL players are doing something illegal, immoral, or improper.”
“Therefore,” the Commissioner concluded, “from this day forward, the NFL will begin randomly suspending players for no apparent reason. We believe that this policy constitutes the most efficient and fair way to improve the quality of our league.”
“And it should free up some needed calendar space.”
Reached by phone, Executive Director of the NFL Players Association, DeMaurice Smith, was frank in his assessment of the NFL’s stance.
“I have already promised my constituents that the NFLPA would be the first to bring forward any prevalent facts and figures that would prevent this type of over-reaching, over-simplified approach to problem solving by the Commissioner’s Office,” said the stunned union chief.
“But unfortunately, in this case…well, we’ve got nothing.”
Amid the controversy, at least one NFL player agreed with the league’s new policy.
“Yeah, I think random suspensions are a good idea,” said a dreadlocked, six-foot, 200 pound Cleveland Browns wide receiver on condition of anonymity.
“Maybe if the Commissioner wasn’t doling out suspensions on a case by case basis all the time, I would still be playing football, instead of being suspended a whole season for vehicular manslaughter.”
“Why do the guys who don’t kill pedestrians with their cars always get off so easy?”
At the conclusion of the press conference, the full written text was made available to the press.
Besides the portions that were read by the Commissioner, the statement also included pleas to the Las Vegas gaming commission to refrain from placing odds on player suspensions, an announcement that the merchandising arm of the NFL was introducing an officially licensed electronic ankle bracelet, and that NFL referees would be armed with taser guns during games.