My lovely girlfriend drove up with me this weekend to see me off back to school in Oregon and how did I repay her?
By watching football, more football, football video games and then even more football. I actually feel kind of bad, considering she is not a football fan. Let’s just say, when I said the Cowboys are playing on Monday Night Football, she asked me, “Who are the Cowboys?”
But don’t you worry; I made it up to her. And now I’ll make it up to you by delivering the funniest, most informative NFL Power Rankings you will read all week (as long as it’s the only one).
32 (32)—Rams—The only thing more depressing than the Rams season is the latest episode of Entourage. Turtle got dumped, Drama had a heart attack, and E had an STD scare. Who wrote this, Joseph Merrick?
31 (31)—Browns—Take a look at Cleveland’s team stat leaders. Brady Quinn has 400 yards, Jamal Lewis has 95, and Braylon Edwards has 139. Those would only be mildly impressive for one game. Somewhere Matthew Berry is crying.
30 (30)—Chiefs—There’s a legitimate chance that Kansas City won’t get a win until Week Nine. They play the Giants, Cowboys, at Washington, and San Diego. On the bright side, kicker RyanSuccop is perfect so far on the season.
29 (28)—Buccaneers—Does Raheem Morris really think Josh Johnson is the answer to his team’s offensive woes? I mean, he’s not even the best Josh Johnson in the state of Florida.
28 (25)—Raiders—The only reasons JaMarcus Russell is still starting are Charlie Frye and Bruce Gradkowski. Is the quarterback from “Glee” available?
27 (29)—Lions—Detroit fans celebrated the victory like it was 1999. Unfortunately, they won’t be doing it again for a while as they face Chicago, Pittsburgh and Green Bay the next three weeks.
26 (24)—Panthers—This messed me up last night: the Jake Delhomme drinking game. Take a shot every turnover or three and out. Man, that second half was a killer.
25 (26)—Dolphins—Forget Chad Henne, play Pat White! Yes, you might not be very good, but you wouldn’t be anyway, and you’d instantly have the most exciting quarterback since pre-prison Michael Vick.
24 (20)—Redskins—First in free agency, last in the NFC East. After back-to-back pathetic performances against two of the worst teams in the league, the Lions and Rams, Washington gets a chance to play three morewinless teams in row. This could get ugly.
23 (22)—Seahawks—So much for being the sexy sleeper pick in the NFC West. Seneca Wallace looked absolutely terrified that the game came down to him leading a two-minute drill against one of the NFL’s toughest defenses.
22 (21)—Bills—One week after getting his first touchdown for Toronto, T.O. get’s another first: his first game without a reception in 185 contests. Good news though, “Beast Mode” comes back next week.
21 (22)—Jaguars—Even with the win, my buddy Alon has finally come to the conclusion that Jacksonville sucks right now. Good for him.
20 (16)—Cardinals—After losing to the Steelers last February, Arizona is suffering a Super Bowl hangover worse than if Courtney Love and Artie Lang had a cocaine-infused love child and then 19 years later sent it off to college at Arizona State.
19 (17)—Texans—The offense has finally found its groove behind Matt Schaub, but the defense is giving up a league high 436 yards per game. It should be fun on Sunday to see who can suck more, JaMarcus Russell or Houston’s defense.
18 (18)—Titans—I wonder how quickly Kerry Collins could down a six-pack. Three minutes? Five, tops?
17 (23)—Bengals—They’re a fluke catch from a white wide receiver away from being 3-0. And I had them at No. 32 in the preseason. I’m still not buying it 100 percent, but I owe Cincinnati an apology.
16 (19)—Broncos—I know they haven’t played anybody yet, but after all that has been said about how terrible their defense would be, it’s pretty impressive that they’ve allowed only 16 points in three games. Unfortunately, there’s a pretty realistic chance they will be 4-6 after Week 12. The upcoming schedule is brutal.
15 (14)—Cowboys—Did what they were supposed to do against the rotting corpse of Jake Delhomme. Don’t be impressed.
14 (13)—Bears—Hey Chicago, it feels pretty good to finally have a real quarterback, doesn’t it? Although it was fun to see Jay Mariotti complain about Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman on Around the Horn.
13 (6)—Steelers—I know the loss of Troy Polamalu hurts, but come on, the Bengals, really? Give the man a Coke Zero, and get him back out onto the field.
12 (12)—49ers—I’m sold. Going into Minnesota and giving the Vikings all they could handle was impressive. And even more importantly, Vernon Davis finally flashed the potential that made him the NFL’s highest paid tight end in 2006. With Frank Gore out for three weeks, this is Davis’ chance to really step up and carry the offense.
11 (7)—Falcons—Tim Hightower, Kevin Smith and pothead Ricky Williams are all ahead of Michael Turner in fantasy points this season. This makes me smile.
10 (15)—Packers—I wonder how many hours this week ESPN will spend hyping up Brett Favre’s first game against Green Bay. How many hours are there 'til Sunday? Yeah, that many.
9 (9)—Eagles—Michael Vick said after the game that his return to the field (and two incomplete passes) was a top three moment in his career. I’m guessing he’s not counting his dog-fighting career. What, too soon?
Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's—that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
Is any of that football related? No, I just thought it was funny.
7 (11)—Jets—Mark Sanchez is the first rookie quarterback to ever start 3-0. Of all the quarterbacks in NFL history, Mark Frikkin’ Sanchez. I am an Oregon fan, remember?
6 (10)—Colts—Arizona might not have the most impressive defense, but what Peyton Manning did on Sunday was pretty damn impressive. You can give them the previously and perennially overrated AFC South right now.
5 (5)—Patriots—Now that’s more like it. Without Wes Welker, Tom Brady and New England outclassed Atlanta in every facet of the game. Even grandpa Fred Taylor had over 100 yards and a touchdown.
4 (4)—Giants—The G-men held the always dangerous Tampa Bay offense (ha) to just 86 total net yards. That’s almost as bad as Keanu Reeves's performance in “Much Ado About Nothing.” Keanu doing Shakespeare? Uckkkk.
3 (3)—Saints—New Orleans blew out the Bills despite a human performance from Drew Brees, by running the football and playing solid defense. That’s frightening.
2 (1)—Vikings—Only Brett Favre would command a career highlight reel during a football game he wasn’t playing in. I almost gagged.
1 (2)—Ravens—This Ravens team is scarier that Keifer Sutherland’s voice in Phone Booth. That still gives me the chills just thinking about it.