It's the most wonderful time of the year. (I actually just sang that out loud)
It's the NBA playoffs.
The sun is shining.
The birds are chirping.
Lakers' flags flap in the breeze.
There's magic (not Johnson) in the air.
And if all this wasn't enough, the basketball Gods have smiled down upon us all and are gifting us with a Lakers/Celtics match up.
Admit it, you want to go to one of these games. Admit it!!!
Have no fear. I'm here to help...
Ten ways to get into the Lakers/Celtics' NBA finals.
1) David Stern
You must become a close, personal friend of Stern's. Or just have blackmail-worthy photos of him. The way that Joey Crawford clearly must. In fact, call Joey and ask (nicely) if you can borrow said photos. Promise to take him out to lunch as a thank you: Just you, Joey and Tim Duncan. Sweet.
2) First Born
Call every radio station in L.A. or Boston that's handing out tickets to lucky winners and offer to name your first born "Black Mamba", or "Boston Three Party", depending, of course, on which team you plan to approach.
This will be most effective if you are already with child and are soon to spawn. If you may spawn during any of these games, all the better!
3) Break In
- B/R Ticket Guide
Break in to either arena the night before the game. Hang out in the rafters. Survive on a diet of popcorn and the often discarded ends of hot dog buns until morning.
4) Blame Kobe
Get in line to accuse Kobe of having an affair with you. Then tell the attorney's who come after you that you are willing to settle for a pair of courtsides, and VIP parking (Parking near the Staples Center is bothersome). This is most effective if you are a dude... because if you're a girl, somebody's already beaten you to it.
5) Get Jacked Up
Become a very close personal friend of Jack Nicholson between now and Game Three in Los Angeles. Throw yourself at his mercy. Beg him to take you. Show a little skin if you must. Don't be so shy! This one's for all the marbles.
6) No Sweat
Go get yourself one of those handy dandy sweat mop thingies that keep the floor from being slick during the games. Get the biggest one you can find. Show up on game day, clock in for work. I think those things are expensive. But no worries. This can replace your Swiffer Sweeper when all is said and done.
7) Pray
And I mean a LOT. If your prayers aren't answered, quickly convert to another religion and try praying to another God. Maybe he'll be more cooperative.
8) Cheer up
Wait patiently outside of the arena before the game. When you see the cheerleaders show up, slip into line with them and make your way in. You're one of them now. Cheer your heart out. I bet you'll look so pretty in your uniform! I beg of you to send me the photos.
9) Maintain
Show up on game day with a maintenance van. Borrow one, steal one, or even paint a phony business logo on your existing vehicle. Go up to the entrance. Tell them that there's a leak. Or a hot water malfunction. Or a towel shortage. Whatever! Just get in there, you!
10) Go delusional
Develop a complete inability to tell fact from fiction. Reality from fantasy. Say things like "Who am I?" "Where am I?" "Why won't Jordan Farmar return my calls?"
Then, on Thursday night, Game One, retreat to this alternate universe where you sit center court, up front. Because, sadly, as coveted as these tickets are, this may be your best shot at getting in...
If any of these work for you, you owe me! BIG.
comments (17) write a comment »
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5 months ago
This is funny, good work. haha
from 5 months ago
Thanks!
5 months ago
hehe
from 5 months ago
Thanks, dude!
5 months ago
You rock Zina-
How about a discussion on honigs on basketball.
from 5 months ago
That shall be my very next post!
5 months ago
HaHaHA LMFAO! This is Hi-Larious! I think I'll go for the getting Jacked Up option. Always wondered what that would be like...
from 5 months ago
Thanks, gal... Always great to hear from a girl on this site...
5 months ago
What about the guys who guard the paint during timeouts? They gotta have some pull...
from 5 months ago
I thought about them. But they have earpieces and communicate with the dark NBA overlords. Too easy for them to check up on whether or not you should be there. But, try it. Let me know how it goes. Here's hoping they don't beat you about the head and torso as they escort you out...
5 months ago
I'm off to claiming to have slept with Kobe. hopefully the trial will be soon rather than later.
from 5 months ago
See what you can do to speed up the judicial process...
from 5 months ago
When they ask for facts, just hit your head, claim amnesia, and just say the tickets will be enough.
5 months ago
Great article! It made me laugh!
from 5 months ago
I aim for amusement. thanks.
5 months ago
Funny stuff, Zina. Be sure to keep it coming!
5 months ago
Hi. you forgot to mention how some media outlets think how "cute" it was for a younger kid named Pierce who used to sneak in to the Great Western Forum to see the Lakers.
If it was normal me or you, we woulda ended up in Jail
(At least inside the arena security detention room.) Not so "cute" anymore. ha!
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