For those unaware of this Creature vs. Creature, the topic in on "the worst wrestler in the WWE toady," organised by Svyato Rovenchuk.
My entry, as is apparent from the title, is on The Great Khali. If you still want to get involved with the CvC, just ask Svyato, and he'll let you know which wrestlers are already taken.
Anyway, on to my article...
A packed courtroom is in attendance to witness the trial of The Great Khali, charged with being the worst wrestler currently in the WWE. Many of his World Wrestling Entertainment colleagues are in attendance, and most seem noticeably tense.
After several minutes of uneasy conversation between those in attendance, it becomes clear that the trial will soon be underway, as a bailiff makes his way to the head of the courtroom to address everyone congregated. The room falls silent, and he begins proceedings.
“Please rise,” opens the bailiff. “Now presiding, the honourable judge...erm...oh, it’s you! Yes, you, the reader, are the judge of this case. Only you can decide the fate of The Great Khali based on the evidence you will be presented with here today. Everyone may be seated.”
After a brief pause, the bailiff recomposes himself and continues. “This court will come to order. Please call Dalip Singh Rana, 'The Great Khali,' to the courtroom.”
Khali enters the room, ducking through the door. A bevy of whispers and remarks emanate from the gallery, which notably disturbs Khali, who must feel the whole courtroom is against him.
Khali takes his position and is addressed by the bailiff. “Mr. Rana, you are before this court today faced with the charge of being the worst wrestler currently in the WWE. Your defence lawyer has already expressed your decision to plead not guilty. Can you verify that that is true?” Khali simply nods in agreement.
“For the record, please note that Mr. Rana expressed a yes gesture through a nod. Speaking of your defence lawyer, where is he?”
Vince McMahon bursts through the rear doors of the courtroom and begins a hurried strut to the front. “Sorry I’m late,” he bellows as he performs his trademark walk, “just got through firing a few more of my valued employees. I fancied buying a new private jet, and that money’s got to come from somewhere. What did I miss?”
“Mr. McMahon, would you be so kind to take your seat?” Vince follows the bailiff’s instructions. “I was just verifying with the defendant that his plea is not guilty.”
“Of course it’s not guilty,” says Vince, “a man of that size must be a good wrestler, a 'Great' wrestler in fact.” McMahon chuckles in awe of his well-timed pun; no one else seems amused.
The bailiff continues the proceedings. “I find it a little odd that you, Mr. McMahon, wish to defend your own employee, but nevertheless. With the charges stated, can the prosecution begin its case?” A mysterious figure begins to rise from his seat. The prosecution lawyer Jev Thorpe takes centre stage, and begins his opening statement.
“Ladies and Gentlemen of Bleacher Report, I speak to you today as a proud wrestling fan. A fan who is tired of seeing good-for-nothing excuses of wrestlers on his TV screen, when less talented superstars are withering away beneath them.
"The Great Khali is the epitome of all that is wrong with the WWE, a case I hope to more than prove to you today.
"When one considers the qualities that make a wrestler great, these usual suspects typically emerge: athleticism, microphone skills, wrestling acumen, the ability to work a crowd, a solid move set, and charisma.
"There are many other characteristics that could be associated with great wrestlers, but nigh on all of them will not be possessed by the defendant, The Great Khali.
"Vince McMahon has been seemingly high on large wrestlers for a while, a trait that far too depressingly has seen the demise of any form of cruiserweight/lightweight division in the WWE.”
Vince sits uncomfortably in his seat, aware that the allegations brought against his name are true. He tries to shrug off the remark with a carefree smile, but Jev knows he has hit his target with his observation.
“Big men will always be a part of the pro wrestling equation,” Jev continues, “but size alone should not be sufficient in maintaining a spot amongst the elite in the WWE.
"This is why The Great Khali is such a bad wrestler; his only advantage is his size.
"Nobody can doubt that The Great Khali has colossal strength and power, but that only becomes useful when you have other attributes to back it up."
"One thing that really ticks me off about Khali is his complete lack of speed. Now, you may think that a priori a big wrestler will be slower, and I agree, they should be. Key word in that sentence: slower, not out and out slow.
"To maintain an air of kayfabe, and to uphold the illusions of wrestling, a wrestler, not unlike a magician, needs slight of hand; they must make some moves at a particular speed or in a particular way as not to be seen by the audience.
"I say this as it is quite common knowledge that wrestlers try not to hit each other with full force, as they usual slow their punches or kicks at they end. They also put their hands in the way of others’ punches, to give the illusion that they have been hit, when in fact they probably haven’t.
"Khali is so cumbersome and sluggish that even the most simple of blocks or punches can be picked up a mile off as faked.
"In a similar way this links in with another facet of Khali’s wrestling ability that really aggravates me. Regardless of any wrestler’s offensive capability, one cardinal sin that must never be broken is not selling someone else’s moves. Khali not only sells other peoples’ moves badly, but due to his size and lack of dexterity, he limits other peoples move sets almost to the point of non existence.
"In doing so, he not only makes matches really boring as traffic is usually one way, but he makes himself look weak; as if he is due to lose, he can be reduced to helplessness with meagre kicks and punches to inconsequential areas of his body, then finished off with one decent move.
"From a wrestling standpoint alone, he just isn’t fun to watch.
"In terms of building up a good match, again he struggles.
"Many wrestlers have an ability to tell a story in the ring, as subtle nuances they embed into their performance build into intricate and engaging conflicts. Khali lacks any subtlety or inventiveness. Any story he tries to tell in the ring reads like the TV guide.
"You may feel that this problem is extenuated by the fact that Khali never speaks in English on WWE programming, and it probably is. This brings me to my first witness. Ranjin Singh, please take the witness stand.”
Ranjin gets up out of his seat and becomes the focal point of everyone in attendance. They know that he has an uphill battle if he wants to bring any credit to Khali’s case.
“Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you god?”
“I swear to tell the truth.” Ranjin sits and waits questioning.
Jev begins his examination of the witness. “Mr. Singh, could you please explain to the court your relationship with Khali.”
“Well, I guess you could call me his mouthpiece.”
“Mr. Singh, could you please explain to the court what you mean by 'mouthpiece?'”
“Well, it’s a wrestling term, and it means that I do all of his talking for him in the WWE. You know, like when we cut promos for him.”
Jev Thorpe produces a sly smile, and turns to the gallery. “Now, this may come as a bit of a shock to some of you, but The Great Khali can actually speak English.” A lady a few rows back feints at the news, and several gasps are let out by others. “Can you confirm this fact Mr. Singh?”
“Yes, that is true.” Ranjin admits.
“So, please,” probes Thorpe, “tell the court why it is so necessary for you to speak on behalf of someone who can speak for himself?”
Ranjin takes a breath, and tries to avoid eye contact with McMahon or Khali. “This kind of thing happens all the time in wrestling,” protests Ranjin, “I only speak on his behalf as Mr. McMahon feels that he doesn’t have enough charisma to speak for himself.”
Jev Thorpe glances around, and then says “Damning evidence indeed. Your witness Mr. McMahon.”
McMahon, clearly embarrassed, simply says “No further questions.”
“Then I would like to take this opportunity to produce some video evidence to support the prosecution.” Says Thorpe. “Exhibit A will show Khali’s inability to have any recognisable wrestling moves done to him. Sure he takes a few hits, but nothing really fitting of a wrestling match.
"The worst thing about this piece of evidence is that his opponent is Kane. Now you would think that if any wrestler were to stand a chance of performing a move on Khali it would be Kane. But no, he continues to keep his matches one sided and dull.
"Exhibit B shows a triple threat between Khali, Rey Mysterio, and Batista. Now, Batista and Mysterio have quite differing styles, so surely one of them will work well with Khali. Not really. Khali looks like a third wheel in this match, even with someone like Batista involved, whose wrestling ability can be questioned at times.
"Note as well how just a couple of minutes into the match, Khali takes his turn to be “sidelined” in the triple threat. Usually when there is a match like this, it is only possible to have two guys fighting at once.
"So, now and again, one of the wrestlers is taken out of the match by a move that should keep them down for a while. As no-one can really do anything to Khali, the best they can come up with is a splash by Rey. Weak, if you ask me, but what else are they going to do, suplex him?
"Could Jeff Hardy perhaps coax a performance out of Khali? Well Exhibit C suggests not. This wasn’t a very high profile match, but wrestlers should perform whatever the occasion, so it’s validity as evidence again Khali is warranted.
"Nothing about this match really excites me, but then nor do most of Khali’s other performances.
"Onto exhibit D...” the bailiff butts in, “Mr Thorpe, you’re making everyone feel sick. Please, no more videos.”
“OK, but it remains to be said, though, that regardless of any video evidence I can show you, you will all know how bad of a wrestler this man is if you have ever watched him.” Jev turns off the TV monitor in the courtroom, and faces the crowd.
“I have given you undeniable reasons why The Great Khali is a bad wrestler, but I have not yet mentioned why he was good.” The attending masses look puzzled, but Thorpe looks confident, and continues.
“At the beginning of his WWE career, there was obviously something credible about what Khali did in the ring. Despite all of his short-comings, Khali’s dominant presence and unstoppable physique were something to be revered.
"It has been proven many times in the past that you don’t need to be the best in the ring to be a good superstar, so long as you have another defining factor.
"Like many other big men Khali had the 'unstoppable monster' gimmick going for him. The only problem is, when he started to get a few losses, it becomes apparent that he could be beaten. The veil of dominance eventually gets lifted, and we are left with an empty husk of a wrestler.
The same thing happened to people like Umaga, and more recently Vladimir Kozlov, whose careers both went downhill as soon as they took a few losses.
With that being said, the prosecution rests its case. I believe I have without a doubt proved that there is nothing Great about Khali.” Jev takes his seat. Mr. McMahon realises that he now must argue in the favour of The Great Khali. He gets up and begins speaking.
“Well, why don’t I start by saying why I hired Khali in the first place? Look at him he’s HUGE!” McMahon looks around for support, and then comes to the realisation that there is no point even trying.
“Screw it, he’s right. I’m sorry Khali, but I never noticed how bad you are until it was literally smacked in my face. I’m not representing you anymore, and on top of that, Khali, you’re FIRED!”
Vince storms out the courtroom, and there is now nothing left to do but for the bailiff to call a halt to proceedings.
The case is now in your hands. How do you find the defendant: guilty or not guilty?
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