USC Football: It Sucks

Thomas BrownSenior Writer IJune 5, 2008

There are many reasons why the University of Second Choice (formerly known as the University of Spoiled Children) is hated by the general population of normal humans.  When I think about it, there's not one thing to like about USC: their school, their fans, or their football team. 

They are filthy cheaters, liars, scoundrels, brats, and jerks.  No wonder they have the "strongest alumni connections" in the world: no one else can stand them.

Now you might say I don't actually hate USC, that I must have some respect for their players and their program...but I don't.  I respect them as much as a pimp respects his prostitutes.

I respect that they bring in some of the finest athletes (with the worst characters) in the country (by cheating).  Good ol' Pete Carroll's such a good guy—so nice to his players (yelling at Desmond Reed after he scored in the Rose Bowl), such a great ballcoach, such a great character builder (a million crimes in eight years). 

But wait, do you see him playing with those kids after practice?  Aww, he's such a good community builder. 

But all that's when the cameras are on.  But what happens to Pete when there not?  It's Hollywood—his actions are something he could not even repeat in a confession booth.  Do I even need to list examples to make my point?  No, because it's a given fact Carroll is heartless law-bending coward.  But I will anyways.

Good ol' Pete brought in big ol' Winston "I don't Want Any" Justice "Or I'd Be In Jail," the great offensive lineman from the slums of L.A...I think he was only put on three-year probation twice: for soliciting a prostitute and one for felony assault with a deadly weapon.  I guess he couldn't handle the change from being a bum in Long Beach into being a "gangstar" in Hollywood.  How did he get punished by Pete?  He didn't.

Hershel "6 Years" Dennis is another shining example of the role models Pete recruits.  I don't think Pete recruits you if you don't have a felony on your record before you come onto campus.  After being accused of sexual assault, Pete took little Hershel out of practice for breaking curfew. Aww, Petie you protect your little puppies.

In 2005, starting cornerback Eric "I'll Sex You" Wright raped a girl and was found with over 100 pills of ecstasy in his dorm room.  What did Pete do?  Suspended him from spring practice.  How convenient that he was the STARTING corner back...Wow, that's harsh Pete, for raping a girl and possession of illegal drugs?

In the next year under Carroll's watch, Frostee Rucker was charged with battery and vandalism.  Luckily Pete found a way so Rucker didn't have to miss a game. What a good mentor!  Maybe that why all the recruits flock to USC, so they can commit murder and get away with it (just like O.J., class of '72!).

And that last parenthesis is not to mention another O.J., class of cheating '11.

There's no point in going on about all the crime, steroids (Ting, Cushing), rape (mentioned above, Sanchez) and cheating (Bush) that has occurred on that campus for the past eight seasons under Carroll, the list would be too long.  Pete "Helen Keller" Carroll turns a blind eye to his players quicker than that hoe turned her trick on Winston Justice.

I hate them—and there's nothing in the world that outrages me more than seeing a USC student or alum who comes walking down the street with their USC jumpsuit on throwing up the peace sign and shouting "V is for victory." 

Not to mention the sunglasses they are probably wearing that cost them $300.  I don't care that you think you went to the greatest place on earth where the sun shines, the athletes are paid, and the students are spoiled.

Then you get to go to a game in the "greatest stadium in America": the L.A. Coliseum.  The 68,000 people are either talking on their cell phone or doing something else not relating to the game.

I've been to high school games that had more electrifying atmospheres.  It's like you're sitting in the gallery at the U.S. Open with a bunch of fans who neither know nor care about what the hell is going on.

To top it off, even the USC band is annoying.  Their obnoxious fight song plays throughout the entire game whenever they do anything right, including gaining a yard.  Hell, sometimes it feels like they even play it when it's an incomplete pass.

To top it all of, all of their stars seem to go on to great NFL success.  They really have a quality relationship for creating NFL stars.

Some great ones who have come out in recent years are: Reggie Bush (3.7 career ypc), Dwayne Jarrett (a whopping 73 yards last season), Steve Smith (63 yards), Matt Leinart (5 games, 2 TDs last year).

That star-studded team who lost in the national championship game to Vince "I want to quit after my first year" Young has achieved great success at the next level.

Not to mention the great Mike Williams (539 yards in four stunning NFL seasons) and Darnell "He's in the NFL still?" Bing (no games played), Keary Colbert (332 yards last season).  It certainly must have something to do with the great success that their coach, ol' Pete, achieved at the NFL level as well.

Now I know all of you wise guys out there are going to counter with Palmer, Polamalu, and Tatupu.  Congratulations, if I shot a rifle at the broad side of a barn a thousand times I could hit it three times too.  Even God gave the lowly Trojans some luck in the NFL, and you guys happened to get lucky with three out of your thousands of players.  Good job.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever overcome my hatred of USC, if anyone will ever convince me otherwise: That USC is a good team, and I should respect them for that.  That USC is a good school.  That USC is in a great location.  Yeah, maybe, but then again, they are still the University of Sassy Cumguzzlers. 

I think UrbanDictionary puts it best in their definition for USC: A second-rate university for elitists located on gang territory within the perimeter of Los Angeles in California.

Academics are not as solid as the USC grad would like one to believe. Overall slightly better than the CSU and slightly below the top UC schools (UCSB, UCB, UCLA). Admissions are heavily tied to legacy and family donations. 

In case you actually went to USC, and you need an example sentence: Ethan is an incoming USC student whose parents gave $100,000 to the school when he was a high school junior. Suffice to say, he was awarded early admission. At least he'll watch some decent football when the fall semester begins. He might actually get a 4.0, even with his mental retardation.

Fight on, Trojans!