In the wake of her husband Tiger’s admission of infidelities, Elin Woods has hired super agent Drew Rosenhaus to renegotiate her pre-nuptual agreement.
“EW has out-performed this contract,” said Rosenhaus, holding up a copy of the agreement at a press conference in the Woods’ driveway. “She has more than lived up to her end. Tiger has not."
“We only want what’s fair for E-Dub. And her kids.”
Behind Rosenhaus, Mrs. Woods was seen doing sit ups in the garage when he was asked if this was a bit unusual.
“Not at all,” he replied. “Yes, typically, we like to do this behind the scenes. Do you think Kobe just came up with the idea of the ‘house on a finger?’ That was me. I am not a publicity hound. I am simply trying to get my client fairly compensated.”
Rosenhaus was asked why, if he wasn’t a publicity hound, was he holding a press conference to discuss personal family matters.
“Next question,” he said.
Tiger Woods, after promising to speak to reporters three times, released the following statement on his website.
“I will not be bullied into negotiating in public. The Spouse signed this agreement, and the expectation of the Tiger Woods Empire is that The Spouse live up to her agreement.
“Oh, and Katy in Virginia, Annie in San Francisco, Sarah in Chicago, and Rhonda in Philly, can you do me a huge favor and take your names off your voice mail? You gotta do this for me. Huge. Quickly.”
Rosenhaus insisted that Elin wanted to keep this private, but was forced to go public when Tiger insisted that she stick to the cockamamie “accident” story.
“Look, Tiger has to face reality,” said Rosenhaus, disconnecting from a phone call from his partner, Lucifer Mephistopheles. “No one was buying that garbage. People just want truth and honesty. That is what I am all about. Truth and honesty.
“What are you laughing at?” he asked.
Rosenhaus was then asked if he was licensed to practice family law.
“Next question,” he replied.
Other celebrities were quick to pass judgement.
“Yeah, she should renegotiate,” said singer and actress Beyonce Knowles. “She could have another him in a minute. He needs not to get to thinking he’s irreplaceable.”
“He did what? That’s just wrong,” said talk show host David Letterman. “I hope she takes him for all that he’s worth. Guys like that are just terrible.”
Kobe Bryant was unavailable for comment.
It could not be confirmed at press time whether or not Mrs. Woods yelled “Fore!” before she hit Tiger in the grill with a 4-iron.