Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch:During another three-race weekend, Busch needed to travel to only two states to experience another disappointing weekend. Busch finished 13th in the Life Lock 400 on Sunday, crashed out of the Nationwide race Saturday night, and feuded with Ron Hornaday, Jr. and truck owner Kevin Harvick after Busch spun Hornaday with a lap to go in the Cool City Customs 200 on Saturday afternoon.
“Look, I’m no one’s race buddy,” says Busch. “Least not Kevin Harvick’s or Ron Hornaday, Jr.’s. Heck, I despise Ron Hornaday, Sr., and I don’t even know him. If Harvick wants a war of words, I’m game. He can call me a ‘punk,’ I can call him a ‘big mouth.’ And, we can both pray we don’t live in glass houses. Of course, we’ll never say any of that to each other’s face. This feud has the potential to spill out on the track, and if that happens, I’m more than willing to dance. And when I say ‘dance,’ I mean it literally. You recall Harvick’s last on-the-track incident? It was his two-step with Juan Montoya last year at Watkins Glen. If that’s fighting, then there was a battle royal at Joey Logano’s senior prom.”
“Now, I have no interest in meeting with Harvick face-to-face. The Busch brothers don’t do face-to-face meetings. As my brother Kurt has shown, we will, however, do fist-to-face meetings.”
“As you may have heard, I’m cutting back on my Nationwide and Craftsman schedules. So don’t expect to see me this weekend as much as you did last weekend. Television viewers only saw two other athletes more than me last weekend---Tiger Woods, during live action, and Tiger Woods on replay. It’s funny how Tiger only limps after a bad shot.”
2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.:Ending a winless streak of 76 races, Earnhardt used a daring fuel gamble to win the Life Lock 400 at Michigan International Speedway. Earnhardt last pitted on lap 148, and, as the laps wound down, he displayed a fuel conservation strategy that all Americans should emulate, and all Saudi Arabians should fear. His efforts were almost rendered fruitless when Sam Hornish, Jr. spun two laps from the end, setting up a green-white-checkered finish that extended the race by three laps. Earnhardt professed at feeling “sick” upon that development, but his worries were allayed when Patrick Carpentier spun on the final lap.
“You can always count on those former open-wheelers for an untimely spin," says Earnhardt. "Who knew they were good for timely
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