Top 10 Headlines for 2010 NASCAR Season (Satire)

David YeazellSenior Analyst IJanuary 2, 2010

NASCAR racing is just around the corner.

At the conclusion of the 2009 season, there were a few storylines still open for debate.

2010 is certain to offer its own set of headlines.

Listed below, in no particular order, are a compilation of what could be the top 10 headlines of the upcoming season.


Dale Earnhardt Jr. marries Danica Patrick during extended pit stop: NASCAR’s new power couple said to be expecting a win soon

Some of the questions surrounding Danica Patrick’s quickie divorce were answered this weekend.

During the first pit stop of this Sunday’s race, Patrick and Dale Earnhardt Jr. exchanged wedding vows.

Patrick got service and nailed her part of the nuptials in under 15 seconds.

Earnhardt Jr. seemed nervous and did lose a lap during the brief ceremony. He once again had trouble entering his pit box and dealt with lug-nut issues.


Gordon blows four-championship lead: Johnson wins Drive for Five in first attempt

In the spirit of competition, Jeff Gordon invited four-time champion Jimmie Johnson to join him in his Drive for Five campaign.

“Look, Jeff had a four-championship lead on me and a six-year head start, I can’t help it if he’s mad at me for getting five championships before him,” said Johnson.

“I got to do what’s best for me and my team. Oh, and I want to thank Chad for all his help.”


Auto Club Speedway closed for health reasons: Outbreak of Zzzz’s is said to have reached epidemic levels

Auto Club Speedway, located in Fontana, Calif., has been closed indefinitely due to an outbreak of Zzzz’s.

“Since the advent of NASCAR’s COT, races here have been a bit boring the past few years. We have had problems with Zzzz’s before, but this past year was off the charts,” said CDC spokesperson Board T. Tears.


Chad Knaus offered millions for book deal

Chad Knaus has signed a contract with publishing giant Shyster and Shyster to release a tell-all book of his racing secrets and how he helped Jimmie Johnson win more championships than any other driver.

The book, titled “If I Were Cheating, This Is How I Would Have Done It”, is scheduled to be in book stores immediately after Johnson wins his 10th championship.

Fans can pre-order the book and receive a special added bonus book, “NASCAR for Dummies.”


Carl Long hired by NASCAR

In a bizarre twist of fate, NASCAR has hired Carl Long to head up its engine inspection department.

In order to continue re-payment of his fine, Long will have to work his first two years for free.


Brad Keselowski receives gift from Denny Hamlin

Denny Hamlin delivered a DVD box set of the famous Hatfield-McCoy feud to Brad Keselowski.

“I just felt Brad needed some pre-race educational material," said Hamlin. "This seemed appropriate.”


Jeremy Mayfield wins court battle with NASCAR, fails random drug test

Jeremy Mayfield has finally won his long court battle with NASCAR.

As Mayfield celebrated the victory, NASCAR, exercising its right to randomly test any event winner, subjected Mayfield to an immediate drug test, which he subsequently failed.  


Rick Hendrick buys White House, gives Jimmie Johnson the Oval Office

Succumbing to the pressures of a weak economy and a war costing billions of dollars, the President has decided to sell the White House to Rick Hendrick.

“His driver have been here more than any other driver in the past four years, and I was told he would keep coming here for years, so why not sell it to someone who will use it,” said Mr. President.  


Tony Stewart gains 100 pounds, volunteers as float in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade

The stresses of driving a race car and being an owner have taken their toll on Tony Stewart.

Stewart’s abnormal diet has caused him to gain 100 pounds over the off season.

Seeing this as a way to raise money for charity, Stewart has agreed to be a float alongside the Pillsbury Dough Boy in the next Macy’s parade.


Danica Patrick and Dale Earnhardt Jr. officially divorce

The once-celebrated marriage of Danica Patrick and Dale Earnhardt Jr. will come to an end.

Lawyers on both sides have agreed to abide by the pre-nuptial agreement, which guarantees Patrick half of Jr.’s lifetime wins. It’s not clear what Jr. will receive for his part of the agreement.