Where Is Tiger Woods? (Humor)

Joe GerrityCorrespondent IJanuary 13, 2010

Where is Tiger Woods hiding? In the past few months Tiger has gone from the world's most famous superstar to the world's biggest sleaze ball.

More shocking is his complete and utter disappearance. In a world filled with cell phone cameras and paparazzi on every corner, it's nearly impossible for celebrities to disappear, but alas, Woods has done it.

Not a single picture has been taken of el Tigre since his "transgressions" came to light.

So where has he gone? I asked some random people for their take on the case of the missing Tiger.

Irv, 27 handicap: "Tiger be dead. That woman of his gots herself real nice form. She took one rip at old tiger and he gone."

Ryan, 16 handicap: "Finding god, so he has someone to take the blame."

John, four handicap: "Sitting alone in the dark, crying about how he had everything he ever dreamed of, and threw it all away for some silly whores."

Mike, 92 years old: "Meeting some new friends in sex rehab."

Tom, 19 handicap: "Practicing. He needs to come back strong or he might never be where he was again."

Alan, nine handicap: "Probably locked in a strip club somewhere pretending this is all just a bad dream."

Lastly, a poem for your enjoyment:

Tiger, Tiger, bleeding bright
In the driveway of the night
What small Swedish hand or wrist
With a three-wood your head kissed?

What the anger, what the fire
Was so stoked by the Enquirer?
Twas there motive, twas there goal?
Did you play an extra hole?

Couldst thou not appease her
After bedding a skeezer?
Was your mom of no aid, though
Batt’ling that white tornado?

Were you chased from hearth and home
A golf club aimed at your dome?
Did the instinct come to pass
“My caddy will save my ass”?

When Elin did swing her club
Did you cower like a cub?
Did you know she’d hit a ton
And put you on the green in one?

When the impact made a thud
Wat’ring the lawn with your blood
Did she smile her work to see?
And did the pain make you pee?

And as neighbors heard your snores
Did you dream about your whores?
Complete defeat, is this true?
Beat you and your caddy, too?

Now as you try to clean up
Have you reread that pre-nup?
Is hush money a small price
For avoiding Elin’s slice?

Were your sponsors caused great stress
By the words of that waitress?
Or is the deal perm’nent now
With “Nike” marked on your brow?

Tiger, Tiger, bleeding bright
In the driveway of the night
What small Swedish hand or wrist
With a three-wood your head kissed?

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