BLSS April Edition: The Month Of K-Mart, Sheed, Simmons, Los Dodgers and Tiger.

morgan spoknyContributor IApril 9, 2010

LOS ANGELES, CA - NOVEMBER 20:  Kenyon Martin #4 of the Denver Nuggets stands on the court in the game with the Los Angeles Clippers on November 20, 2009 at Staples Center in Los Angeles, California.  The Clippers won 106-99.    NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)
Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

Welcome to the wicked mind of Morgan Spokny:

Out of the gate: I want to give props to whoever it was that flew that plane over the masters today with a sign that read… "TIGER: DID YOU MEAN BOOTYISM?" That was classic, and absolutely a fantastic play on words.

Rounding second: NBA star Kenyon Martin went insanely ballistic on his Denver Nuggets teammates when an April Fools' prankster filled his Range Rover with buttered popcorn.

After Martin calmed down, Kenyon learned the perp was the driver of teammate J.R. Smith. The driver later apologized for the prank ... but Martin reportedly won't accept the apology as of yet.

This is a major April fools FAIL for JR and the Nuggets. Coach Karl is out with throat cancer, receiving chemotherapy and apparently all hell has broken out during his absence.

Remember that JR was sentenced to 90 days in jail last off-season for causing an auto accident that killed his friend. So you would have thought he might have matured a little while doing time, but instead he had the great idea to ruin his teammates Rover. Not chill JR, not chill at all. Butter and salt in the rover is very uncalled for.

Could you ever see this happening to Kobe? Do you think Phil Jackson would stand for this type of BS? HELL NO!

The playoffs are only a few days away and now Kenyon Martin who was already injured has a beef with the team’s second best player. You might as well just throw out any and all chance they had in the playoffs. While team chemistry isn’t everything, and teams in the past have been able to win despite having zero off the court synergy, this prank will not help their chances; it can only hurt their chances.

I viewed them a possible contender, but taking into consideration that K-Mart is injured, Coach Karl has cancer, the JR/Kmart feud and subsequent divide in the locker room, on top of the fact that I’m assuming there is no structure within the organization since these actions were allowed to occur, leads me to believe you can go ahead and write them off this year.

Anything can happen, but if I was a betting man, and gambling was legal I would steer clear of the Nuggets. Which I admit is hard to say, because at the start of the season I thought they were a dark horse candidate to run the table.

The setup: Dodgers Manager Joe Torre stopped well short of calling Vicente Padilla his staff ace, even when he announced the veteran right-hander would start against the Pittsburgh Pirates on opening day. Smart man.Padilla didn't make it out of the fifth inning, giving up seven earned runs in 4 1/3 innings.

The Closer: Losing to the Pirates is embarrassing enough, but giving up 2 Hr's to Garrett Jones takes the cake. Jones has solid power, but the kid is a career .258 hitter in the minors. It is totally inexcusable for the Dodgers to be using a waiver wire pickup from last year (Vicente Padilla) as the 2010 opening day starter.

Bill Simmons quotes: Smoke and Mirrors. Check it out: The man spit fire like the old testament.

Here are a few excerpts:

"Sheed will finish the 2009-10 regular season next week as my least favorite Celtic ever, edging out Todd Day, Fred Roberts, Sidney Wicks, Curtis Rowe and Vin Baker. At least Vinnie had an excuse: a drinking problem. Sheed has an apathy problem. His doughy, nonchalant shadow looms over every game".

"Sheed owns a beautiful baseline turnaround, but he keeps it in the garage like a covered Ferrari. It's a breathtaking shot. He catches a pass on the left block, whirls effortlessly toward the baseline, pushes off so he's going up (not sideways) and releases the ball well above his head. All in one motion. Nobody can b...lock it.Sheed shoots this turnaround once a game. Sometimes twice if we're lucky".

"When matched against a hustler like Anderson Varejao, it's like watching a golden retriever fight off a Rottweiler".2010 Sheed stubbornly carries himself like 2004 Sheed -- same shot selection, same swagger, same antagonistic relationship with officials, same hit-or-miss intensity, only with 35-year-old legs and love handles".

"Sometimes I count to see how many consecutive possessions Sheed can pull off without crossing either charity stripe. His unofficial record is nine".

Sheed makes me say the words, "Why won't we play Brian Scalabrine?"

"He's like an antisocial cat that suddenly jumps onto your lap to mess with your head. Hey, buddy! Where'd you come from? This is great! Can I pet you? And just like that, they jump off".

"Sheed keeps chugging along undaunted. Normally when a once-effective player loses his fastball, you empathize with him. Not this time. 2010 Sheed stubbornly carries himself like 2004 Sheed -- same shot selection, same swagger, same antagonistic relationship with officials, same hit-or-miss intensity, only with 35-year-old legs and love handle"s.

"Sheed reminds me of Randy Moss: good in great situations, destructive in bad ones".

"He constantly forgets to box out. His hops are long gone, so balls routinely bounce over his head to opposing players. When matched against a hustler like Anderson Varejao, it's like watching a golden retriever fight off a Rottweiler. Advanced metrics prove that he's a catastrophic offensive rebounder and someone who subtly altered the identity of this season's Celtics team".

Tiger watch 2010: We should have expected this but he "seemed" to contradict the norm. He "seemed" to be wholesome, educated and a model citizen. He “seemed” to be a good husband and father, which only adds to the grandeur of the situation for the media outlets.

Why are we bombarded by Tiger coverage? You are bombarded by the media because sports are entertainment, and Tiger was and still is one of the most well known and far reaching personalities in the world. This is a guy who was making over $100 million annually solely on endorsements.

Not to mention that these revelations were entirely out of the blue and seemed to contradict everything we thought we knew about him. It is a fact that Tiger is bigger than the game of golf, which is something that legends like Nicklaus and Palmer can’t even claim. Americans love to help vault media personalities, but they love tearing them down even more.

Because of this sad reality, tearing Tiger down has become big business, and the opportunity to generate profit is what fuels the media. Hence the reason you are incessantly bombarded by “Tiger Watch 2010”.

Cool trivia question: Anyone want to take a stab at this one... Can you name the two active pitchers within 20 CG of Roy Halladay (47) in the '00s?

Tidbit: Rockies closer Huston Street just received good news from Dr. James Andrews. "Everything looked great. I was told they didn't see any issues at all, so we are going to keep doing the same thing with him," Rockies GM Dan O'Dowd said. "He wanted a second opinion, and everything came back really good."Street will continue... to strengthen the shoulder by playing catch, but it still seems he will be out until early May.

Tidbit 2: Cuban left-hander Aroldis Chapman will start for the Reds' Triple-A affiliate in Louisville, according to an report. Chapman seemed to be on pace to make his American professional debut in the big leagues, but back spasms set him back. Instead the debut will come at Toledo against the Mud Hens. The main question will be exactly how long that Chapman, who signed a $30.25 million deal, stays in the minors. The Reds optioned Chapman to Louisville last week and named 2009 first-round pick Mike Leake as their fifth starter. Leake became the last SP since Darren Dreifort to skip the minors and go straight from the college ranks to the big leagues. LEAKE IS NO JOKE

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