Cavs Players Unaware of Mike Brown's Firing (Satire)

Alex ShultzCorrespondent IMay 24, 2010

CHICAGO - APRIL 22: Head coach Mike Brown of the Cleveland Cavaliers yells at players on the bench as the Cavaliers face the Chicago Bulls in Game Three of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals during the 2010 NBA Playoffs at the United Center on April 22, 2010 in Chicago, Illinois. The Bulls defeated the Cavaliers 108-106. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this Photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Late Sunday night, Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown was dismissed after five seasons with the team. The reaction from the Cleveland players and management has been mixed, to say the least.

"Gloria [James] and I talked about it this morning," said Cavs guard Delonte West. "Overall, it was no big deal. I usually spend timeouts thinking about the cool air blowing through my cornrows as I drive 100 MPH down the highway with three or four handguns, so it really doesn't affect me." 

West went on to add that if the Cavs were to lose LeBron James due to Brown's dismissal, he hoped that "Gilbert Arenas could come here in a sign-and-trade so I could talk to someone with common interests."

As it turns out, LeBron wasn't even aware that Mike Brown was still a member of the organization.

"Basically, me or some coach with a mustache would draw up a play during timeouts. Usually they involved dishing it to one of my awful teammates so they could miss a three-pointer," James said. "To be honest, I haven't seen Brown since like 2007 when Big Z could still grow facial hair."

Antawn Jamison, who was a member of the Cavs for only a few months, was more considerate of the former coach.

"I only met Mike once, but he seemed like a good enough guy," Jamison said. "He gave me some healthy tips on how to bleach my teeth so they could be as pearly white as his."

Anderson Varejao seemed perplexed at the news when he was informed by the media, as he had assumed that LeBron James had been head coach for the past few years.

"LeBron tells me to flop, so I flop. LeBron tells me to stand there and pretend to be a bowling pin, so I fall over," Varejao aptly put it.

Management declined to make an official comment on the firing, although it is rumored that owner Dan Gilbert got rid of Brown because he'd forgotten of the coach's existence and already spent his salary for next season on free throw lessons for Shaquille O'Neal.

Only time will tell what happens to the Cavalier organization moving forward. Depending on how many NCAA infractions John Calipari has already committed at Kentucky, it is possible that the Wildcats coach could leave for the pros.

"It's really just a guessing game at this point," said GM Danny Ferry. "The magic number for Calipari to get out of Kentucky is around 14 infractions. Right now he's somewhere around 11, depending on how many tutors he paid to bring John Wall's GPA up to 3.5 for the Spring semester of school."

So far, no NBA squad has showed any interest in Mike Brown, with the lone exception being the Clippers, who feel like Mike would "keep us at mediocrity for a long, long time," said team president Andy Roeser.

It will be an exciting offseason, to say the least.



Note: All quotes were fictional, believe it or not. Also, on a serious note, Mike Brown is a very nice guy and I wish him the best moving forward.