BREAKING NEWS (Satire): LeBron To Retire From NBA, Start New TBS Sitcom

Marc DaleyAnalyst IJuly 8, 2010

BOSTON - MAY 13:  LeBron James #23 of the Cleveland Cavaliers stands by in the fourth quarter against the Boston Celtics during Game Six of the Eastern Conference Semifinals of the 2010 NBA playoffs at TD Garden on May 13, 2010 in Boston, Massachusetts. The Celtics defeated the Cavaliers 94-85.  NOTE TO USER: User Expressly Acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)
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In a stunning development that is sure to rock the world of professional basketball as well as the world of television, former Cleveland Cavaliers superstar and omniscient being LeBron James will announce on ESPN that he is retiring from the NBA to star in his own sitcom on TBS.

The name of the sitcom, "Stop Staring At My Lemonade!", will star James along with his cranky father Lebron Sr., nattily attired younger brother LeBradford, and ice cream-loving youngest brother Lebron III.  Also starring will be John Calipari, who will be leaving his post as Kentucky basketball coach to take a role as a crazed stalker who makes money be endorsing liverwurst and wood glue, and William "World Wide Wes" Wesley as another crazed stalker who ingratiates himself with the James family by pretending to offer a wide variety of services from representation to one-hour martinizing.

ESPN's Chris Broussard, who originally broke the story, confirmed James' plans with an unidentified source who looked suspiciously like Tyler Perry in drag.  After the source beat Broussard about the shoulders with an oversized purse, Broussard immediately sought medical treatment.

"LeBron doesn't want be a guy with bad knees without an NBA title.  Even though the Heat signed Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade to gazillion-dollar contracts and the Knicks were prepared to offer him the entire franchise as well as Derek Jeter and A-Rod's phone list of single women in the Manhattan area James fondly remembers the times he had shooting the Nike commercials with the rest of the James family."  Broussard then collapsed and had to be treated for internal injuries.

While most of the TBS family seemed happy in welcoming James to the sitcom fold "According to Jim" star Jim Belushi had to be revived when told that James was not coming to Chicago.  "King of Queens" star Kevin James consoled Belushi and the two men were last seen drowning themselves in deep-dish pizza and PBJ donut holes in Vegas. 

In related events, the University of Kentucky is scrambling to find a new men's basketball coach.  Former coach Billy Gillispie was approached, but he was busy enjoying his new profession at a local day care center, where he spent his day running four year olds to exhaustion and exiling them to the bathroom when they failed to put their toys or go down for a nap.