Obscene North Carolina-NC State Football Halftime Show Shocks Nation (Satire)

Gary CainContributor INovember 22, 2010

CHAPEL HILL, NC - OCTOBER 4:  The North Carolina Tar Heels marching band performs during the game against the Connecticut Huskies at Kenan Stadium on October 4, 2008 in Chapel Hill, North Carolina.  (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)
Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Most football game marching bands are content to spell out a few letters, or maybe simple moving geometric shapes. But not this one. Not by a long shot.

For Zeke Zupernova, Director of the guest North Carolina School for Felons Marching Band, it was payback time, pure and simple. Halftime at the UNC versus NCSU football game, this year on Tar Heels turf. Vicious rivals. High noon.

In a performance that will surely live forever in YouTube infamy, the 400-member strong School for Felons band, under Zupernova’s direction, took the field and delivered the most graphically obscene, scandalous marching band routine in college football history. On national TV, no less.

Sure, the Felons’ outrageously choreographed performance did, in a few short minutes, cost him his job, but for Zeke Zupernova, a rabid UNC fan since birth, that performance marked the successful culmination of his plan decades long in the making. Revenge, sweet revenge.

Talk about holding a grudge. As a teenager in the 1960s, die-hard Tar Heels supporter Zupernova had lost a bet to his North Carolina State-loving neighbors, thereby forcing him to wear an NC State Wolfpack pom-pom girl outfit to school every day for a week. Ever since, Zeke had vowed to exact the biggest payback in recorded history.

At long last, Saturday, November 20th, 2010 turned out to be the big day. Humiliation day.

Zupernova’s Marching Felons, resplendent in their Carolina blue band uniforms, were the last of the halftime show participants to take the field. From their lineup in the Carolina end zone, the one painted with an enormous UNC ram mascot, they lustily launched into what seemed to be a porn soundtrack song.

With military precision, the Felons then fanned out across the field to spell out, in rapid succession, the words LET’S...MASTER...STATE. Huge cheer from the partisan UNC fans.

The Marching Felons then scattered, only to quickly coalesce into the shocking outline of a 60-yard long erect penis and scrotum with dozens of all-white-clad majorettes twirling inside. In the area surrounding the titanic penis shaft, more Felons marchers then moved to form the shape of a grasping hand. Screams from the stands.

Keeping in perfect time with the sensuous music, the giant hand began to move. Back and forth, crisscrossing the field. Slowly at first, then faster, faster, and faster still. The crowd roared.

Soon, as the music reached a crescendo, group after group of the sperm majorettes raced up through the gigantic shaft and leaped out of the head. As spurt after white majorette spurt launched themselves across the field, the Tar Heels crowd went totally berserk.

Finally, to the beats of the last raunchy notes, the majorettes dove onto their target painted in the far end zone—the face of the NC State wolf mascot—leaving it completely covered in white.

And down on the sideline, surrounded by tens of thousands of UNC fans convulsing in ecstatic delirium, Zeke Zupernova couldn’t help but smile.