Most of y'all have been here a while and understand the lingo that Bleacher Creatures use. Some of them are common, but some football fans need a little help in deciphering the more intricate vocabulary of football.
Here is the first official Bleacher Creature Football for Dummies, vol. 1.
Kicker: The guy on the team who couldn't make the soccer team. Also known as a head case.
Wide Receiver: The guy who makes wimpy blocks, catches the balls he shouldn't, and drops the ones he should. Future NFL analyst who has no taste in clothing.
Quarterback: A player who gets all the chicks, no matter how ugly he is. The guy who always breaks the finger on his throwing hand.
Running back: The runner who the fullback makes look good with tremendous blocks.
Safety: the guy who everybody blames when a wide receiver makes one of those catches he shouldn't have made.
Linebacker: A defensive player who is legally allowed to kill people on the field.
Spread formation: Unstoppable. Also what desperate housewives do to get their husbands away from the TV during football season.
WCO: West Coast Offense—an offensive scheme that involves short, precise passes usually based on timing or under routes. Used a lot in two minute drills against the prevent.
Prevent: The defensive formation of three down linemen, with the rest covering the long ball. A D that will prevent you from winning the game because the O will be running a WCO.
Stacking the box: When your DBs and safety join the linebackers in the box area behind the line for a party to see who can tear the running back from limb-to-limb first. What quarterbacks love to see when they have called a fly route in the huddle.
- B/R Ticket Guide
Punt: Failure.
Interception: What DBs do to embarrass quarterbacks they can't sack on a blitz.
Flea-flicker: A trick passing play that will cause the coach to either look brilliant or stupid, depending on whether or not the receiver makes a catch he shouldn't. Potential bench-warming duties for the safety.
Sweep: A running play where the running back runs 10 yards to gain two yards.
Reverse: A trick play that rarely works, except in the WAC.
Double-reverse: The play that usually precedes a punt.
Statue of Liberty: A trick play that never works unless you are playing a high school varsity team or Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl.
Blast: A boring running play that results in a massive collision at the line of scrimmage and a few torn ACLs.
Off-tackle: A fancy word for a diagonal blast.
Cheerleaders: What fans look at when a team runs a lot of blast plays.
Yell leaders: Those boring guys your mom wants you to date. Future insurance salesman or accountant.
Mascots: A way to contain a drunk student in a plush costume so he can't do any damage in the stands.
Sportscaster: A former football player or coach who can't get a real job in the real world. A place where Ticonderoga pencil salesmen go when they can't unload their stash.
Analyst: A fancy name for someone who doesn't know anything but gets paid a bunch to be right 50 percent of the time. A professional guesser.
"Not so fast, my friend": Loose translation means, "You're an idiot."
Defensive Coordinator: An assistant coach who gets blamed for a 59-0 rout.
Offensive Coordinator: An assistant coach who gets promoted for a 59-0 rout.
Marching Band: A place where having zits is a prerequisite for membership.
Penalty: What Pac-10 refs call to make sure a non Pac-10 team loses. Also known as a flag, hankie, or bull****.
Zebras: The three blind mice on the field who referee the game.
Time management: A nice way to say the coach can't add or subtract 20 or 30 seconds at a time.
Out-schemed: A nice way to say a coach can't coach against inferior teams. Derivatives: schooled, embarrassed, or beat down.
Touchdown: Something Florida International has finally experienced this year.
NCAA: Another word for Big Brother.
Freeze the kicker: A way to use all of your timeouts so when you lose the game, you won't be blamed for not using all of your timeouts. A way to give Dr. Phil more cred than he deserves.
Onside kick: A play that never turns out good for the team you are rooting for. Never.
Half-time: A 30-minute rest sponsored by breweries. Also, the only time the tuba player gets some exercise.
FCS: Football Cupcake Schedule.
FBS: Football Beef Schedule.
BCS: Bowl n' Cash for Schools.
comments (88) write a comment »
write a new comment
about 1 month ago
you just goatta love the spread formation lol
great scribble as always..
from about 1 month ago
Thanks JW!
about 1 month ago
So many good ones here I can basically just re write the whole thing and put LOL after them...ok ..a few of my favs..
Mascot, penalty, analyst and sportscaster...
from about 1 month ago
Thanks Mitch! Hey, you're up tomorrow for guest picker...don't forget to check your email addy for picks!
from about 1 month ago
ok, forget all of the nice talk then ;)
about 1 month ago
The Statue of Liberty also works if you are playing Michigan in the Big House the week after they lost to Appalachian State.
Somehow I don't think it would be very effective this Saturday against your Trojans.
Entertaining article.
from about 1 month ago
never remind a wolverine of that dark day -
from about 1 month ago
If the Trojans can take out the other two Ducks QBs, they might have a chance!
about 1 month ago
lisa needs a raise for this one. LISA HORNE FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from about 1 month ago
LOL John....you get paid here?
from about 1 month ago
Lise - any aspirations of runnin for the oval office after B'Rock ?
about 1 month ago
Hahaha, quality stuff my friend.
Kicker: Ever seen a soccer goalie punt the ball? 80-90 yards with accuracy. Could be dangerous on the gridiron.
Marching band: Hey...I marched at Michigan State and have clear complexion!
Seriously though, ***** and a pick.
from about 1 month ago
Joe-
Hey, if you were a drummer or a Sax player, then that's VERY KEWL in my book. Wearing dark glasses at night gets a 10!
from about 1 month ago
I marched at Oklahoma and have clear complexion most days.
about 1 month ago
POTD! This is high-quality humor. Anyone have a Samuel Johnson-style (read Lisa's article) definition for homer? Or maybe SEC?
from about 1 month ago
I'm not going there Daniel, thanks for the pick!
about 1 month ago
Beautiful! Great stuff, Lisa. The best is quite simply, "Punt: failure". Vol. 1... does that mean there will be a Vol. 2? I hope so!
from about 1 month ago
vol 2 is more detailed. It's x's and o's!
about 1 month ago
Lise
wanna know about Hail MARY ? not too sure on what that is still
* append may be
from about 1 month ago
Hail Mary: a pass that is thrown as high up in the air as it is long and has "no prayer" of being caught by the intended target. Usually results in a meaningless interception that pads a safety's stats.
from about 1 month ago
cheers - learned something new
thanks - mate
from about 1 month ago
mate - loved the spread information as well .... all boys do
about 1 month ago
My favorite, ans so so true!!!
"Analyst: a fancy name for someone who doesn't know shit but gets paid a bunch to be right 50% of the time. A professional guesser".
Great job Lisa...I belly laughed all the way through this one.
from about 1 month ago
Ditto........a quarter is just as useful
from about 1 month ago
12....thanks. :)
about 1 month ago
Hey, I was in the band, a mascot and a yell leader. Notice I have no photo on my profile ;-)
from about 1 month ago
JM-
Are you serious? Ya know, nerds rule the world...I have fantasies about Best Buy's Geek Squad. ;p
about 1 month ago
lol, great Lisa.
5 starz and a pick
from about 1 month ago
Thanks Thomas!
about 1 month ago
To be honest, this was moderately funny at its best points.
I enjoyed reading it, but it had all the characteristics of a modern day Rick Reilly piece, an unnecessary list jumble of quick hit jokes that make fun of things that don't need to be made fun of.
Thankfully, your tone was lighter and your jokes were funnier than what he's been doing, and if this would have been in something like Page 2 of ESPN The Mag it would be perfect.
It's a representation of what a lot of B/R has become lately, a solid representation though don't get me wrong, and I don't like it. A bunch of decent one-liners that cover a broad topic rather than a story.
There's a place for this, not a whole open-source network site though.
from about 1 month ago
Tosten-
There's no place for humor on b/r? It's under their tag, "humor." Color me confused.
from about 1 month ago
hm...i seem to recall a section here called "Humor." any comments?
from about 1 month ago
I haven't been here that long and I know there is a humor category. Hey Top writers get top billing. Obviously Lisa has been doing things right.
from about 1 month ago
Oh no, I guess I'm in trouble too!
about 1 month ago
entertaining. Ever ran accross Michael Rosenberg?
from about 1 month ago
No...doesn't he live in Michigan? He writes once a week for FOXSports.com, and like Jason Whitlock, doesn't live here (I think).
from about 1 month ago
I'm pretty sure Jason Whitlock lives in the Kansas City area. He's a columnist for the KC Star. That much I know.
from about 1 month ago
Dan-
Yeah, I didn't think he lived in Cali either. Most of the writers are spread out all over the US.
from about 1 month ago
He isn't very good. That is my way of saying he is a dumbass while trying to be nice.
about 1 month ago
Something for everyone. I had to wince at the ones for offensive and defensive co-ordinators. Ouch. ;-)
You're right, Daniel, Whitlock is with the Kansas City Star, I read him at least once a week. He's usually got a pretty good sense of humor, though unfortunately he has to write about the Chiefs (whom I don't follow with the passion I apply to college sports). He deserves hazard pay for that.
Of course, that's when a sense of humor is most needed, when the team stinks. See: My lovable losers, the UCLA Bruins...
"Ben Olson and Patrick Cowan walk into a bar..."
"And?"
"That's it. The clumsy bastards walked straight into a metal bar. One fractured his metatarsal, the other one has a torn ACL."
X-D
I'm here all week. (badda-BOOM) I know, I could do better...
from about 1 month ago
Scott-
ROFL...loved it. You made me laugh at loud! :p
about 1 month ago
Now i guess i am qualified to watch college football or do i need to wait for the vol. 2 ? :P
Great job Lisa! Humor at its best!
***** and POTD deservedly!
P.S.: is there any counter to the spread formation? though its very entertaining, yet cant afford to miss live football :P
from about 1 month ago
Dev- Thanks!
re- PS. If the Trojans run a prevent, that's the best you're going to get!
about 1 month ago
ROTFL
Obviously our prototypical wide receiver did not graduate from Nebraska. Those boys make great blocks and drop all the balls unless they are blowing out the other team.
from about 1 month ago
Then they aren't really WRs...they are skinny Tight Ends with bad hands
about 1 month ago
I think Ty Willingham would disagree with your definition of "penalty".
That is if you can get him off of the golf course.
from about 1 month ago
he needs all the help he can get! :)
from about 1 month ago
Thank God he isn't at Notre Dame anymore. He isn't a bad guy, just a bad coach. He said the academic requirements were to high at Notre Dame to get top recruits, so what is the excuse at washington? All Weis did was roll off 3 straight top 10 recruiting classes with those same academic requirements, sure it's hard but the kids aren't coming if you don't call them or go see them. He got Lucky with Quinn....Then again, Quinn almost had to beg.
about 1 month ago
Dammit Lisa, stop being so good at writing!!!! Lol, great job, POD without a doubt.
from about 1 month ago
Thanks Alan!
about 1 month ago
Great article Lisa.... and if I could add:
Safety: the guy who everybody blames when a wide receiver makes one of those catches he shouldn't have made.
Because the corner back got beat or was out of position... AGAIN!!!!
from about 1 month ago
LOL...true dat Georgia! And thanks for the pick!
about 1 month ago
oh... and POTD !!!
about 1 month ago
Great article, Lisa!
Here's another one...
"At-Large (name your conference here) Pick"
Definition:
Basically our favorite 6-6 teams that can promise to send 2000 fans to Shreveport or any other exotic early December locale for a bowl game. Great to watch while attempting to wrap holiday presents.
Used in a sentence...
Yesterday, representatives from the “Appliance Direct - I Love Dishwashers - Bowl” announced that Eastern Upper Lower State University, an AT-LARGE Cupcake Conference PICK, will play the St. Mary's School for the Legally Normal.
from about 1 month ago
Trey...I fully expect your help for Vol 2! Hilarious!
from about 1 month ago
Hey, I grew up in Shreveport and we love our Indy Bowl! Haha j/k, it is a bit low on the bowl totem pole.
about 1 month ago
Wow, looks like I need to do definitions like in elementary school. I realize now I had the wrong definition for almost every term! haha. Great list Lisa!! POTD
from about 1 month ago
Thanks for the pick, Dan!
about 1 month ago
Wow, looks like I need to do definitions like in elementary school. I realize now I had the wrong definition for almost every term! haha. Great list Lisa!! POTD
from about 1 month ago
Haha Dan...you had the right ones...mine are just warped!
about 1 month ago
Great list Lisa, here is another:
Bandwagon: The thing analysts and fans jump on when a team is undefeated and jump off once a team loses/has a flat tire. Last weeks examples: USC, UGA, UF. This week OU and Bama have a full bandwagon aka there is no way they can EVER lose (until Bama loses to UK, yes, you heard it here first)! I just hope everyone doesn't start jumping on Mizzou's bandwagon, then they will be in trouble.
from about 1 month ago
Scott-
I'll bet you a dozen Krispy Kremes Bama beats Ky!
from about 1 month ago
haha i gave up gambling, i sure do like that spread though after an emotional game for bama haha
about 1 month ago
Haha...spread formation is dirty ;)
Laughed my rear off as always!
about 1 month ago
Lisa, you are a good one, this one is one of my favorites in terms of pure entertainment. Great job lady.
about 1 month ago
Lisa, if I weren't already married, I'd be proposing.
about 1 month ago
Running back is probably the TRUEST one on there.
L.T. is nothing without Lorenzo Neal
about 1 month ago
Great article, very funny. But on a grammatical note: "Ya'll" is spelled incorrectly. Since it is a contraction of "you" and "all", the proper spelling is "Y'all". Seriously, I think this is the most misspelled word in the english language.
about 1 month ago
Lise, I agree that this is not the place for humor! Please take your sports more seriously. I have tried to set an example of a humorless view of life. :)
Your writing is so varied - analysis, editorial, humor, and human interest, that you are bound to offend someone. The thing is, you are excellent in whatever category you chose. Write on, LH, write on!
POTD for giving us all a good laugh.
about 1 month ago
Great job! I laughed out loud at the first three descriptions. Although I would have changed this one...
Time management - the complete opposite of what Romeo Crennel does every week.
about 1 month ago
Great job! I lol'd at the first three and the "sweep" description. The only one I would have changed?
Time management - the exact opposite of what Romeo Crennel does every week.
from about 1 month ago
fuck i double posted my bad
from about 1 month ago
Marcus...relax..it could be worse...you could be a Bengals fan.
about 1 month ago
Hey Lisa,
Awesome! Just what I needed on a Tuesday afternoon.
How about this one? "The play is under review" = Officials review replays of the previous play that none of the zebras on the field saw as it happened. Also, another way to screw with Kirk Herbstreit by calling a play the opposite way he saw it.
POTD? Duh!
Lew
about 1 month ago
HAHAHA lisa this was great
"Not so fast my friend"= your an idiot lol
I dont like the shot at marching bands however... since im in one
and heres one to add
"Gatorade bath"- translation i just got really wet but its ok we beat a team we shouldnt have unless your Kentucky in which case you do it when you almost beat a good team
about 1 month ago
Totally excellent. It has brought me a much better understanding of a complex game. ***** & POTD
from about 1 month ago
Thanks Dorothy! Nice to see you here again!
about 1 month ago
this is just ignorant
about 1 month ago
BCS: Big Crock'o Shit.
Analyst: the first four letters give it away.
about 1 month ago
"Blast: A boring running play that results in a massive collision at the line of scrimmage and a few torn ACLs."
Really, really funny.
Reminds me of the "three yards and a cloud of dust" offenses. Barring a turnover, you have enough time to repaint the house before the offense scores.
about 1 month ago
on a scale of 1 to hilarious...definitely HILARIOUS!!
about 1 month ago
This may be the funniest article I've ever read. The Statue of Liberty, zebras, touchdown, the reverse and double reverse, and basically all of the other ones are hilarious. I was rofl while reading this...genius!
about 1 month ago
5 stars and POTD, also.
from about 1 month ago
Thanks Isaac! :)
about 1 month ago
Wow! Lisa, You are so good you should do this professionaly. Oh you do. So do you submit articles here for the pure joy of not having an editor screw up your masterpiece or simply to intimidate guys from writing for B/R?
from about 1 month ago
Huh? Say what? I do it for fun. Why would anyone be intimidated by me? I'm nice. I swear. I don't bite!
about 1 month ago
Lisa, I used the Statue of Liberty back in 2002 to beat my 10 year old nephew and his friends in the back yard. Thats the same year that I hit 5 home runs in one inning playing wiffle ball against middle schoolers!!!!!! LOL
about 1 month ago
Very funny! Spread formation was my favorite.
write a new comment