Early reports from Wednesday morning suggest that the infamous NFL bad boy, the douche-bag formerly known as "Pacman," Adam Jones, has gotten himself into even more trouble.
Reports claim that Jones was involved in an altercation with a Dallas Cowboys appointed bodyguard in a men’s room during a hotel party hosted by rapper Ludacris. Evidently, the bodyguard was assigned to Jones to keep him out of trouble.
While it is not known at this time what instigated the attack, it has been reported that the Cowboys will not be filing any charges at this time. This comes as yet another in a laundry list of altercations and alleged crimes that Jones has either been involved in or witnessed.
Rumors then suggest after the Cowboys announced that no charges would be filed that Jones finally realized that nothing he will ever do will get him thrown in jail or even punished worst than a stern talking to. This moment of clarity unleashed a reckoning that will not soon be forgotten.
- B/R Ticket Guide
While reports are still vague at this time, it has been suggested that Jones immediately gathered his entourage and went to every strip club in the Dallas area and began murdering all the “dancers” that refused the idea of the ever elusive “happy ending.”
From there, drunk on Cristal and stripper-killings, Jones used the massive amounts of money that he is paid to not play football to track down ever person that has ever looked at him funny. Sadly, after spending millions of dollars, the realization that he can’t really kill people whose names he doesn’t know washed over him. So he turned his attention on Internet sports bloggers.
At the time of publication, over 10,000 internet bloggers have been reported missing by their mothers who haven’t seen them since they last came out of the basement to get a Hot Pocket and ask if any girls have called (of course, no girls have ever called an internet blogger... sigh).
The Internet bloggers have been presumed virgins...and probably dead at this time. Though there have been scant reports of Jones in areas where teens with no skin pigment or muscle tone congregate stabbing many people, the Cowboys organization is hesitant to press any charges believing that if they give Jones one more chance, he will clean up his act and fly straight.
Disclaimer: this article may or may not be true and in the event that Jones can actually read the Bleacher Report would like to remind him that the views and opinions expressed in this articles are solely that of the writer and that there are actually some users on this site that have gotten as far as second base.
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about 1 month ago
Is this the state of the Bleacher Report?...Putting up ridiculous 'articles' like this?...Nevermind how pointless, it's disturbing how irresponsible it is
from about 1 month ago
Hey! I put a disclaimer on it! If it would make you feel better I will take a more clever route and coyly put some curse words with mixed up letters in my next article that I publish on the HUMOR page.
about 1 month ago
What a wonderfully hillarious (if pointless) article. Loved it. Five stars for making me laugh for the first time today.
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