Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler and MTV's Kristin Cavallari: Hitch Route

Chicago Sports Noise@@FrostyAustinContributor IIIMay 20, 2011

CHICAGO, IL - JANUARY 23:  Quarterback Jay Cutler #6 of the Chicago Bears looks on while taking on the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship Game at Soldier Field on January 23, 2011 in Chicago, Illinois.  (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)
Jamie Squire/Getty Images

In the day and age, when people are either staying up or waking up to catch some live nuptials in HD, it is only fitting that the Bears' high-profile QB is walking the plank that leads only to disgruntled monogamy. After being the fall guy for the Bears playoff loss in 2010, he can now rest assured that he is the rebound guy in the post-Justin Bobby era, therefore acquiring his "sloppy seconds" (anyone who uses this phrase officially sucks, including me).

To be honest, I wish there were a live telecast of the heartfelt vows between Jay and Kristin. I mean, if Jay can't get amped on the sidelines rooting for his team to take the NFC title, how do you think he'll react in uttering "in sickness and in health." My prediction: comatose stoicism in its purest form.

Think about the bride's side of the guest list at this ceremony—Audrina, LO, Stephen Colletti and the all-too infamous Stacey The Bartender (her title has become a proper noun, hence the capitalization). If I'm Greg Olsen, I am not staggering to my hotel alone under any circumstances.

Essentially, this is going to be a glorified senior prom. Amidst all of the swirling rumors in People magazine about potential plus-ones and recent breast augmentation procedures, the fact that Jay Cutler is tying himself down to one of the most abrasive, catty women in reality television history is somehow disguised.

Believe it or not, I am not certified to predict the success of relationships like a 22-year-old version of the effervescent Maury Povich, but aren't these two a match made in proverbial hell? A discreetly chubby, punk QB who is about as welcoming and personable as a jail cell wall marrying a Laguna Beach-bred, quarrelsome socialite whose career and job description can be encapsulated into one word—starlet.

Can anyone else see Kristin ripping a dozen Newport menthols on the daily once her and Jay begin to disagree over what color to paint their bonus room? It's inevitable. When you combine two stubborn people in marriage it usually ends in two things: fire and powder, and ultimately divorce, so I guess three.

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