Barack Obama As Baseball's Commissioner

Barry BealCorrespondent IOctober 21, 2008

Driving home yesterday, the latest news of the presidential election came on the radio. As exciting as economic and health care policies are, I got to thinking about baseball. Commissioner Bud Selig is always under a lot of scrutiny, I thought. So what would Major League Baseball be like with Barack Obama as the leader of baseball?

“I plan on giving salary cap breaks to 95 percent of teams in Major League Baseball,” The Commissioner said. “Teams in the biggest markets and the most successful teams would have to pay more.”

“It’s time to jump on board and be patriotic to your league,” Deputy Commissioner Biden said. “That means you, New York and Boston. Let’s put your money where my hand is.”

During a trip to Florida last Spring Training, a bystander asked a simple question to The Commissioner.

“Mr. Commissioner, my name is Joe Maddon. I plan on turning the Tampa Bay Rays into a contender this season, but under your plan any team that wins more than 95 games will be forced to give up its best players to bad teams. Is that true?”

“Listen, Joe, it’s not that I want to punish your success. But I think that we need to spread the wealth to everyone so that teams behind you have a better chance at beating you next season with your own players.”

The media pounced on Maddon. “Who is this Joe the Manager guy, anyway? Our sources have discovered that he never played Major League Baseball. What can he possibly know about The Commissioner’s Plan for Fairness? We heard that his name may not even really be Joe.”

“Much has been made of Joe the Manager,” The Commissioner said mockingly. “But how many managers of the Tampa Bay Rays have ever won 95 games?”

The Rays did win over 95 games, however, which forced them into a higher win bracket. And with their World Series appearance along with the Philadelphia Phillies, their success will now cost them a higher percentage of their players to the bad teams under The Commissioner’s Plan for Fairness.

Joe the Manager worked hard and did a good job this season,” The Commissioner said to Deputy Commissioner Biden. “So now we can take more of his good players and give them to teams like the Pirates and Royals who have no clue what they’re doing. These handouts should keep them satisfied and supportive of me. And under the Plan for Fairness, the bad teams are also getting millions from the teams that make the most like the Yankees and Red Sox.”

“And what about the Phillies?” Deputy Commissioner Biden asked.

“Well, those bitter Pennsylvanians are so busy clinging to their guns and religion that they won’t notice us sending Chase Utley to San Diego, Ryan Howard to Seattle, and Cole Hamels to Colorado.”

“I never really cared for the Phillie Phanatic,” Deputy Commisioner Biden said. “Can we deport him to Canada and make him the Blue Jays’ mascot?”

“Yes we can!”