Manchester United: 5 Reasons the EPL Champions Won't Finish Top Four

Triveni SinghContributor IIIJune 19, 2011

Manchester United: 5 Reasons the EPL Champions Won't Finish Top Four

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    MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - MAY 30:  The Manchester United open top bus travels past Old Trafford during the Manchester United Premier League Winners Parade at Old Trafford on May 30, 2011 in Manchester, United Kingdom.  (Photo by Chris Brunskill/Getty Images)
    Chris Brunskill/Getty Images

    Manchester United were the proud owners of a highly successful season this past year. While many will tell you that the Premier League was not as good as it has been in the past, United still sealed their 19th championship with relatively little trouble.

    As if that were not good enough, that league title took them past Liverpool as England's most successful club. Oh yeah, and reaching the UEFA Champion's League final isn't too shabby, either.

    But success in sports is often short-lived and fleeting. These are the five reasons that Red Devil fans should temper expectations for the upcoming season.

    NOTE: This is purely in jest. Please do not bet on United missing out on the top four simply due to this well-informed, purely factual article. I will not be responsible for lost wages. And yes, that was a joke, the piece is entirely farcical. 

1. Wayne Rooney Finds More Hookers

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    LONDON, ENGLAND - MAY 28:  Wayne Rooney of Manchester United applauds the fans after defeat during the UEFA Champions League final between FC Barcelona and Manchester United FC at Wembley Stadium on May 28, 2011 in London, England.  (Photo by Shaun Botter
    Shaun Botterill/Getty Images

    United's No. 10 is a prolific scorer with a predatory instinct that few can claim. Oh, and he's good at football, too. 

    Unfortunately, United will not be able to count on Rooney to produce goals next year. Why? The answer is simple: prostitution.

    He's had his fill in England, sure, but what about France? Holland? Nevada? With all of those potential distractions for Wayne, I'd say his attention to football will be 20 percent at best. 

2. Other Defenders Finally Realize Javier Hernandez Is on the Field

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    Rooney making a height joke. Chicharito is not pleased.
    Rooney making a height joke. Chicharito is not pleased.Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

    Chicharito, as they call him, is a pint-sized striker that can find the back of the net.

    He's so pint-sized that most defenders don't even realize he's on the field; this is how he scores so many goals.

    But after all the positive press Sir Alex has received for the bargain buy of Hernandez, players will be sure to look out for the Mexico international.

    His days of poaching are over.

3. Unrest at the Da Silva Household

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    Which one is which?
    Which one is which?Phil Cole/Getty Images

    Fábio was supposed to be the more talented of the two, but he had the misfortune of injury and fighting Patrice Evra for a starting spot. 

    Rafael simply had to beat out Wes Brown and John O'Shea—it's no wonder he rose to prominence so quickly.

    Most United fans would say that it is a blessing to have two identical footballing twins with this much talent, especially at positions that seem to give most teams so much trouble.

    But have you ever heard of Cain and Abel? Brothers don't even get along in the Bible.

    This is my well-informed prediction for next year: Fábio Da Silva will sleep with Rafael Da Silva's girlfriend. A domestic dispute will call authorities to their apartment. Both will refuse to play with the other.

    The bust up will sow discord among the squad, with players taking sides (Giggs will obviously support Fábio). You saw how England handled the Wayne Bridge/John Terry scandal. United will never be the same.  

4. Nani Will Finally Fall in Love With His Reflection

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    Nani, admiring his feet.
    Nani, admiring his feet.Shaun Botterill/Getty Images

    Nani has borne a lot of comparisons to Cristiano Ronaldo. Both have a flair for the dramatic, both are Portuguese wingers, and both have a nice eye for the goal. 

    The most poignant similarity, though, is narcissism. It is well documented that both Ronaldo and Nani have Nicklas Bendtner complexes. While Ronaldo has been able to curb his by constantly being outdone by Barcelona, Nani has not had the same luxury.

    Quite simply, it is only a matter of time before Nani sees himself in the locker room mirror, double takes, and falls in love. He will refuse to leave the locker room.

    Poetic justice will see that United lose their most creative midfielder to a virtual image of reflected rays.  

5. Bébé

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    Who?Shaun Botterill/Getty Images

    If you're like me, the first you heard of Bébé was when he was signed. In this respect, Sir Alex is like me. Shelling out cash for an unknown quantity is more common that you think, but not this much cash, and not this much unknown.

    So when Bébé proved to be an epic flop, he was promptly loaned out to Besiktas. That's a good thing, right? He did only make seven appearances for United, after all.

    Wrong. In this humble expert's opinion, Bébé is going to be a huge hit in Turkey. How big a hit you say? Twenty goals in 30 games.

    And once Bébé hits world class form, he will realize that he doesn't want to learn English anymore, nor does he want to live in Manchester.

    Sir Alex will resign in shame. United will finish sixth in the league but, due to the wonderful institution that is FIFA Fair Play, will miraculously qualify for the Europa League. Don't worry, Red Devil fans, you won't miss out on Europe completely.

    So if you're a Chelsea supporter, an Arsenal fanatic, you bleed the red half of Merseyside, or you're one of those "lifelong" City fans, good news is on the horizon. United's reign of terror is over.