When I’m not writing, either for B/R or for school, I’m chilling at my abode: Cabana La DeKalb. It’s a pretty cool place to live. Me, Lane Kiffin, Sarah Palin, and various former head coaches are some of the more permanent residents but there are always people coming and going. So, I decided to interview some of them for your reading pleasure.
A very special guest swung by the other day to drop off a paycheck for Lane and to watch and discuss a little football, the one and only Al Davis! I was so excited I just had to ask him some questions and he was more than happy to oblige.
Ray Bogusz: Hi Al, how are you doing?
Al Davis: Just fine Ray, thanks for having me.
RB: You’re welcome Al. If you wouldn’t mind, could you tell me why you fired my boy, Lane Kiffin?
AD: Basically, what happened was that I decided to follow a different business model and Lane didn’t agree with it.
RB: Care to elaborate?
AD: Well, you see Ray; I’ve recently begun playing Dungeons and Dragons and have been having quite a bit of success. I decided to apply that process to the Raiders.
RB: You’re kidding me…
AD: No siree, I use a 20 sided die to make all decisions for the team.
RB: So what did you role to cut DeAngelo Hall?
AD: Consecutive sevens.
RB: Ah. So who would want to coach under those circumstances?
AD: Well, the way I look at it, a head coach has to be smart. And there are probably a lot of D&D nerds who will want to get back at jocks and would take the chance to boss around a bunch of football players in a heartbeat. I mean, look at all the losers who write for bleacher report.
- B/R Ticket Guide
RB: Classy…
AD: Yes I am.
RB: Moving on, do you have anyone specific in mind?
AD: Well I was hoping I’d roll double thirteens and get to go after Nick Saban, but right now we’re evaluating Bill Callahan and Vince Tobin as the two front runners.
RB: You’ve already fired Callahan before.
AD: Oh yeah…hey when you go through ‘em like I do…
RB: Why not just rehire John Madden if you’re looking for nostalgia?
AD: Nah, he’s more senile than me, and even I know that’s senile than me and even I know.
RB: Understood. Any plans for the future of the franchise?
AD: Well, we’ll probably leave Oakland for a few years again just to [expletive] with the fans for a while.
RB: Any cities in mind?
AD: Well, Ray, that’s the thing. If we’re looking for a more permanent move I’d say San Francisco is looking pretty viable. I don’t come out of my iron lung too often but I’ve heard from my top advisor that they haven’t had a professional team since 1999. A temporary place would be Los Angeles. I have it on good authority that they already have a professional team and a stadium as decrepit as me so it’s looking good right now.
RB: That’s interesting…even though I’m pretty sure USC is a college team. Have any feelings on a lack of weapons?
AD: Lack of weapons? Have you seen those nut jobs in the Black Hole? They’re dripping in weapons, or at least Styrofoam maces, which are still deadly to me since my bones are practically meringue.
RB: Any new direction for the front office, or is that secret too?
AD: Well, right now the local Wiccan priestesses and I are consulting the spirits to see if I should hire Matt Millen. My senior advisor tells me it might be a bad idea but I think he was really close to breaking through with the Lions. It’s terrible the Fords treated him the way they did, they’re horrific owners.
RB: You know, a lot of people have said that about you.
AD: Who? The dorks on Bleacher Report? They all suck, especially whoever wrote that piece about how the Dolphins growing up is the story of the year. He writes such sappy articles I can feel myself getting sticky when I read them.
RB: I’ll take that as a compliment.
AD: You’re welcome [expletive]-nut.
RB: You’re still pretty involved with the league right?
AD: Absolutely, we’re looking at having a game played on the moon. We have to take this league to the next level.
RB: We?
AD: Well it’s mostly my idea right now, see, I have it drawn out on this cocktail napkin.
RB: Going back to that senior advisor, care to say who it is?
AD: Simon Barsinister.
RB: I’m pretty sure he’s a cartoon character, Al.
AD: Who cares, the guy is a genius. Did you see when he dried up all the water in the world? Genius man…
RB: I think we’re done.Thanks very much Al.
AD: Can I borrow a quarter for the bus? I have to take it so I can get back in time to let Rex Ryan out of the cage for exercise.
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about 1 month ago
haha, I got a good laugh out of this Ray. Al Davis is an easy target and we like it that way.
from about 1 month ago
List of easier targets than Davis: Obama, Leno, Broadside of Barn.
about 1 month ago
Hmm.
Again, Bloom County said it best, when the comment was used:
"Drug use is in bad taste, Roger".
I'd like my dollar for being misled to this article.
from about 1 month ago
If you give me an address and pay postage I will send you a dollar.
I kid ye not.
about 1 month ago
good one Ray... you definitely had me laughing a few times here!
from about 1 month ago
Thanks
about 1 month ago
Thanks for the link.. fun piece.
Have you ever read the Hunter S Thompson articles about Al Davis? They are some of the very best reads around. You can find them in "The great shark hunt" Davis is a maniac and has been his whole life.
Did you ever see the Jon Gruden NFL films piece where he talks about his interview before being hired? Davis asks him a question, and right as he answers he would ask a totally unrelated question, then he would go back to his previous question just machine gun style. Good Stuff.
from about 1 month ago
I've never seen the NFL films piece, I want to now though. I'll check the Thompson stories.
Ray
about 1 month ago
thats so cool
from about 1 month ago
I know. It's easy to get interviews when you kidnap people!
about 1 month ago
Haha that's pretty funny dude.. Al Davis sucks as an NFL owner in todays game. See John Elway comments.
about 1 month ago
Hey, any article that mentikons Simon Barsinister is OK by me! "my bones are practically meringue" is classic...very funny Ray.
from about 1 month ago
Thanks
about 1 month ago
Nice article! Very funny! Good work and keep it up.
from about 1 month ago
Thank you.
about 1 month ago
HAHHAHAHHAHHAHA
Very creative man.
from about 1 month ago
Thanks
about 1 month ago
Good work man, you're always good for a solid read! "Why did you cut D. Hall?" — Consecutive sevens. haha!
from about 1 month ago
Solid reads from solid writers. Speaking of which, you need to keep your eyes open for a packers article coming up soon. I might come looking for a little statistical help.
Ray
about 1 month ago
haha good stuff...although the d and d references went over my head hahah
from about 1 month ago
I only vaguely know about it. I had to get specs from a more involved collegeue of mine.
Ray
about 1 month ago
Pat: uhhhhh. this was very misleading
Bernie: Yeah what's that all about Ray?
Pat: Kinda mean
Bernie: Kinda? It was like putting icecubes in the fridge for cryin out loud
Pat: Over it-on tot he next Bern?
Bernie: Let's do it
from about 1 month ago
I'm a master of false advertising. How about I promise not to do it again? =)
about 1 month ago
not sure what the raider fan up there's talking about, nor what bernie and *** here are getting at, because that was just hilarious.
Of course, Raider Addict can be an addict like usual and defend his team, but the "Why'd you release D. Hall - consectutive sevens" was really funny.
I also enjoyed the blirb on Simon Barsinister...
Finally, a real humor article, Ray!
The most hilarious [future] pick of the day!!!!
from about 1 month ago
Oh don't hate, nobody here is used to me being funny...or even smiling for that matter.
No POTD's. At this point I don't even want one.
Thanks anyway
Ray
from about 1 month ago
why not POTD, Ray? It deserves one, dude!
about 1 month ago
Don't lie Ray... I gave it a Pick. I thought this piece was hilarious.
from about 1 month ago
Oh yes you voted it for one, I'm just saying that I couldn't care less if I ever get one.
Thank you for finding it funny. I've toyed with doing a series, but I don't get paid for this =P
about 1 month ago
ray, or rya,
fantastic. you should do this more often. love to hear what kiffin has to say around the crib.
and palin...let her cook you up something and i'm sure you'll get her to drop some good gossip. (surely you saw the interview she did recently after the election, in her kitchen...)
ahhh...the quest for the almighty potd.
from about 1 month ago
Why do people keep thinking I'm on a quest for one of those god-forsaken things?
Kiffin doesn't say much. He mostly just plays Super Mario World and smokes a lot of pot.
Sarah is working on a presidential bid, (which I'm hoping she wins ^_^) so cooking is kind of out. Thankfully I recently kidnapped Gordon Ramsey.
from about 1 month ago
ray, i'm just kidding about the potd. that seems to have become a hot topic on b/r lately. a lot of politics around them. just joking...go chill with lane...
from about 1 month ago
I can't. He's out scoring more pot.
from about 1 month ago
of course....at clemson no less...i'd imagine that west coast pot is a little better..but what do i know...
about 1 month ago
Nice dude, very creative.
My favorite part is ....
RB: Why not just rehire John Madden if you’re looking for nostalgia?
AD: Nah, he’s more senile than me, and even I know that’s senile than me and even I know.
ROLMFAO!!
from about 1 month ago
Yeah, the classics are always the best.
Thanks
about 1 month ago
I don't think I've ever heard anything good about this man, never. I read Hunter S Thompson's 'The Great Shark Hunt' and he bags on Davis pretty bad. Good stuff Ray
from about 1 month ago
Thank You. =)
about 1 month ago
very very funny!! now i want to interview jerry jones!! lol thomas
about 1 month ago
Ray, great stuff. My favorite line:
about 1 month ago
Okay, let's try it again. Take one:
Ray, great stuff. My favorite line: "AD: Absolutely, we’re looking at having a game played on the moon. We have to take this league to the next level." Hysterical. I'm a little late to this one, but it was worth the wait for me.
from about 1 month ago
haha. Looks like I'm not the only one who has to fight with the comment modlue...
Thanks for getting back, I know you get swamped with links way more than anyone else I spam to.
Ray
about 1 month ago
Dude, I can't believe AD dissed your 'Fins story like that. So yeah, anyway... I'm just sayin', you may want to lay the hammer down, you know?
from about 1 month ago
I'm going to outlive him by at least 9000 years. That's victory enough.
from about 1 month ago
Are you sure? He looks about that old now. I kid, I kid...
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