(Cue jaunty intro music)
Hello and welcome to the exciting world of soccer!
Through the wonders of this audiotape, prepare to embark on a marvellous journey through the world of sport without leaving the comfort of your living room! Mr. and Mrs. America, first of all—let me congratulate you on branching out to other cultures and their interests!
No doubt something has prompted this interest, like say—perhaps your son is dating a foreign girl with a strange accent, or your daughter has developed an unhealthy obsession for Bobby Moo—(tape garbles) David Beckham!
First, a helpful guide to terminology!
When encountered with a soccer game, you will no doubt find yourself overwhelmed by the alien terminology. After all, you're not watching a soccer game! No! You're watching a football match.
Secondly, those men aren't playing on grass! It's a pitch! And they're not wearing a uniform, why—that's a kit! Isn't this fun?
Now that you're well versed in the language of socc—err, football; you're ready to move on to your introductory lesson! Douchebag behaviors!
(tape's music shifts to a silly tune)
Soccer is a game of incredible skill, technique, and strategy. However, if you possess the gifts of all three, you can also display an enormous amount of confidence, flair and downright douchiness!
- Example One: Diving. (Please refer to the picture labeled "Example One")
What Just Happened? You're running down the field, er, pitch, with the ball, when suddenly you find yourself surrounded by defensemen! Oh no! Normally, you would pass the ball—but none of your idiot teammates seem to be open.
Worst of all, the TV cameras can't get a clear view of your face because that huge pollack is blocking the sideline! One of the defenders lunges at the ball and strips it from you, without so much as coming within a yard of you.
What Do You Do? You leap off of the ground, attempting to get both feet up in the air, above your head and then fall down as the defender has taken the ball and proceeds to run in the opposite direction.
You then writhe in the ground as if you've been run over by an 18-Wheel Truck and contort your face to suggest epilepsy! Acting chops? Cary Grant's got nothing on you.
What Happens Next? Depending on how good you are at this, you're going to get these in order of performance from worst to best:
- A signal to get your ass up from the referee.
- A foul called on your opponent.
- A foul and a card for your opponent. (In football, offenders get cards for their transgressions. Kind of like when you got a note stuck to your suspenders in kindergarten!)
- A visit from the trainer, a ride on the injury cot and a kiss for your boo-boo.
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about 1 month ago
hahah, you're crazy! but great , hilarious article :P this'lave me laughing for the nextweek
brilliant. cheers.
its *Step over, step over, dive, cry, get up , look at player, wink* ;) sums cristiano up perfectly
from about 1 month ago
There are definitely other exponents of this type of play, but Cristiano is just so good at getting the cameras to pay attention to him. "Cristiano Ronaldo dive" renders about 800,000 images on Google alone!
about 1 month ago
Kiss your boo boo?! rofl. Classic.
I only played up to the collegiate level, but I am proud that I never acted like a "git" on the "pitch". Oh man, I'm getting good with this jargon.
Next I'll be saying "Good pass that" and "Sammy has definitely lost the plot".
from about 1 month ago
You gotta give some guys credit for their persistence. Diving 10-15 times a game hurts!
Helpful Hint: Never pick up jargon on the pitch from a Scot. Next thing you know you're being rushed after the match by everyone on the opposing team because you've insulted them the whole game without you even knowing.
about 1 month ago
Great article!, but as a Yank I abhor being likened to that Git Cristiano Ronaldo.
from about 1 month ago
Fine, next time I'll include pictures of Zidane headbutting Materazzi in the chest, Fowler attempting to snort a line painted on the pitch and Messi slapping a ball into the net with his hand. ;)
about 1 month ago
Its been said before, but i'll say it again! Jealousy is a terrible thing... Just amazing that he (Cristiano Ronaldo ) still demands so much of your time and effort to try and degrade and undermine what he has single handedly given to club and country. Its Great that you do this on a daily basis though! Keeps him in the headlines.. Just like they say in Holywood....better to have negative press, than no press at all!! Hehe
from about 1 month ago
Listen, I'm sure everyone in the world save a couple of Argentinians, Brazilians and maybe the odd Spaniard would give their right testicle to be able to play like Ronaldo, so... jealous, yeah who isn't?
I admire Cristiano Ronaldo because he's a fantastic player. His skill is unrivaled and I've rarely seen one player score so many goals so effortlessly and from several parts of the pitch. His game is complete.
He's also a huge douchebag.
The same can be said for Kobe Bryant, Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, Rafael Nadal and countless other athletes.
about 1 month ago
This is Hilarious!!!!
from about 1 month ago
Well I have won an Emmy.
(Not really)
about 1 month ago
Thank you Eddie the Eagle.
This must've been written by a cheating scouser who must believe England's win in 66 was fair. You're nothing better then Maradona...except you can't afford the quality of drugs and resort to making meth.
Another question? That pitch you refer to by the name of Wembley. When are you going to change the name to Von Wembley since your national team has yet to beat a German team there.
As they say in the states "You ain't nothin but a punk a** little b*tch".
Cheers (I believe I'm now showing you a backwards peace sign) and have a happy Thanksgiving.
Steve
Your friend from across the pond
from about 1 month ago
Ctrl + F "wembley" = No results found
Usually I'd make a reference to drugs, but I think you already covered that, yeah—there it is. I suggest you visit dictionary.com and search for "satire".
about 1 month ago
i support Cristiano Ronaldo's diving, he just gets fouled to much, if he didnt dive on occasion he would have definitely had his leg broken by now.
from about 1 month ago
You're saying his pandering for non-existent fouls is a deterrent for actual fouls? I don't know, but I've played football for a long time, and let me tell you, you don't usually want to stay away from a guy who dives, in all fairness, you probably want to kick him more.
about 1 month ago
i think that you will find he does not dive without contact. there are not many players who do. it has become a defense mechanism to dive when you experience a foul that you believe could do you damage. He is the victim of a ridiculous amount of fouls per match because he is to hard to get the ball from. Players just foul him out of frustration.
I have also played football for many years, twenty or so anyway. I think the comparison with players of C.Ronaldo's level ends there though, he has played for many years and so have we but the pace and the physicality of the worlds top flight game is completely incomparable to anything anyone outside of it can have experienced. the guy dives because he is taking care of his legs, good on him, i say.
from about 1 month ago
Calling someone a douchebag for falling is a bit extreme dont you think? Wayne Rooney had a temper that flared up like a chinese firecracker on the 4th of july, and never ever got this much slack! Ronaldo's problem is that he gives 120%. And defenders dont like being made fun of because of his talent and speed.So the best thing they find is to tap him. Note that most of the times that he runs at defenders at high speed, there are always two defenders on him, and one normally touches him...Its not easy doing what he does, and avoiding serious injury. Look at Walcott. Same style of play as ronaldo, and out injured for the same reason. I actually had the pleasure of meeting Cristiano Ronaldo for the Euro 2004. I met him after Portugal's first defeat against Greece for about 10 seconds. And I can tell you that he signed my kids soccer ball, and was nothing but a gentleman! The problem is the English tabloid system..They take things out on context, make up stories and are a general nuiscance to someone that hasn't mastered the language. And all for a quick buck! SAF is no fool, he knows the business better than you or I, and when he asks the refs to protect him on the pitch, he has good reason. He knows that a player like CR can get seriously injured, specially when all the defenders have it out for him!
about 1 month ago
Calling someone a douchebag for falling is a bit extreme dont you think? Wayne Rooney had a temper that flared up like a chinese firecracker on the 4th of july, and never ever got this much slack! Ronaldo's problem is that he gives 120%. And defenders dont like being made fun of because of his talent and speed.So the best thing they find is to tap him. Note that most of the times that he runs at defenders at high speed, there are always two defenders on him, and one normally touches him...Its not easy doing what he does, and avoiding serious injury. Look at Walcott. Same style of play as ronaldo, and out injured for the same reason. I actually had the pleasure of meeting Cristiano Ronaldo for the Euro 2004. I met him after Portugal's first defeat against Greece for about 10 seconds. And I can tell you that he signed my kids soccer ball, and was nothing but a gentleman! The problem is the English tabloid system..They take things out on context, make up stories and are a general nuiscance to someone that hasn't mastered the language. And all for a quick buck! SAF is no fool, he knows the business better than you or I, and when he asks the refs to protect him on the pitch, he has good reason. He knows that a player like CR can get seriously injured, specially when all the defenders have it out for him!
about 1 month ago
HAHA Loved it!
You forgot something on diving though. Worst= card for poor acting. Best= Emmy. XP
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